Sex Goddess Lesson #1: How To Be Sexier & More Confident

Amazing dancers Ruth St. Denis and Ted Shawn
in 1916, proving that the basic elements
of sensuality are timeless!

Let's sizzle in 2012, shall we? :)

I've realized that, when looking through my post labels, only one article has been posted on sex (and that was a joke about sex).  Lots of people who land here seem to be searching for relationship and romance advice, so I figured that it was high time to write about one cornerstone of any healthy relationship:  sex.

After doing some research for my sex article, I realized that there are some amazing resources out there.  However, most of the stuff I've read about love, sex, and romance are all about how to keep the sex going in an existing relationship, how to spice things up, or how to be more attractive to your mate.  But these articles didn't really seem to get it right all the way, as far as I was concerned.

Yes, your mate is right up there on the priority chart, but the most important sexual relationship you can have is with yourself -- if you can't see yourself as a sexual being, then your sexual relationship with others will never be quite as satisfying as it should be.  And if you're reading this, then obviously, you want to start the road to improvement.  Congratulations -- your journey is about to begin!

The first stop on the road to channeling your inner sex goddess is to find ways to feel sexy.  Remember that this has nothing to do with other people; this is all about you.  It's ok to be "selfish" sometimes -- remember that when you take the time to do good things for yourself, you'll later be able to take care of others even better.

Think about yourself in terms of what you find to be the most attractive, wonderful, and unique qualities about yourself.  Do you have intriguing eyes or smooth, creamy skin?  Do you have soft, ample curves; or perhaps you're a lean, willowy Goddess?  All shapes and sizes are beautiful.  The Western world currently tends to favor tall and thin supermodel types, but the beauty of all types can be appreciated in some time or culture -- and even in our modern society, you'll find people who can appreciate exactly what your own physical and mental style brings to the table. But the most important person to appreciate your own unique beauty is you!  Make a list -- write it down if you want to -- of all of your gorgeous body parts, from the hair on your head to the tips of your toes.  And don't forget your awesome mental or emotional traits too -- being clever, witty, determined, and strong are all smokin' hot attributes as well.  This isn't the time to worry about the parts you dislike -- show them some love, too!  But if you're not quite there, let's just focus on the things you love about yourself for now.

Healthy Boundaries: Getting There

Now that we've discussed the basics of boundaries which are unhealthy for being too loose or too rigid -- and the importance of having healthy boundaries for their positive impact on your self-esteem and your relationships with others, let's learn how to establish those boundaries with others.


Step 1. What do you need?  Sit down and really figure out what you need in a relationship. What makes you feel respected? What makes you feel uncomfortable? Determine what your own personal needs, wants, and rights are. Establish boundaries based on what you think is reasonable. Remember that your rights and needs should be separate entities in and of themselves, and that your rights should end where those of others begin.

Step 2.  Discuss these boundaries with others. State your case clearly, and in with a neutral but firm attitude. Don't speak angrily or in a long-winded way. Just keep it clear and concise. You do not need to apologize for, rationalize, or argue while establishing this boundary. Be firm and respectful.

Step 3.  Remember why you're setting this boundary. If you expect people to understand and respect your needs, you must also understand that their reactions to this may be negative, especially if they are used to behaving in ways that are contrary to these boundaries. Don't apologize for protecting yourself. Don't feel selfish or guilty, just stand by your decision and remind yourself why you need your rights and needs to be respected by those who should care about you. This is a normal, natural and healthy part of the process. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but things will get easier with time.

Step 4.  Prepare yourself for the possibility of being tested. Most people will understand your feelings and respect them, but there might be people in your life who will not respect these boundaries. Others might accuse you of being selfish or mean for denying their unreasonable requests. But nevertheless, if their behavior is unacceptable to you, you must be confident and assert yourself. You cannot set a boundary and then apologize or rationalize it to others -- this sends a mixed message which might enable others to take advantage later. You can be respectful of the fact that some may not agree with your boundaries, but stay true to yourself. You have the right to be treated with respect. If people still don't respect your boundaries, you may have to put distance between yourself and them, possibly end the relationship or even pursue legal options if the other person still doesn't respect your rights.

Step 5. Establish a support system. This should be made up of people who do care about you, and who are willing to respect your boundaries. Healthy relationships with friends, family, and other people whose jobs are to care for you will make you stronger and more confident in yourself. Eliminate disrespectful, controlling, or abusive people from your life. Make more room for relationships with people who are caring and respectful.

Step 6.  Grow and evolve.  These changes may be uncomfortable or even scary for you at first.  But just keep in mind that you're doing this to improve the overall quality of your life, so some unpleasant backlash may be necessary for this growth.  Protecting yourself with healthy boundaries can enhance your relationships, boost your self-confidence, and radiate outward to inspire other positive changes in your life as well.

Bathing Ritual to Renew Your Spirit

I just came across this charming post at the simple-living blog "Down To Earth" which encouraged its readers to share a photograph and to explain a bit about it.

The one that I chose was this picture, which I'd recently taken and had been meaning to add to my blog for some time now.  This past year, I had recently discovered how wonderful it was to take a long, luxurious soak in the tub.  One of the awesomest things about taking a big ole' bath is that anyone can do it.  Doesn't matter if you're old, young, rich, or poor -- if you have access to a tub and some water, you can make it an amazingly sensual experience no matter what other accoutrements you choose to add.

There's a joke that goes something like, "You know you're ghetto when you break out your best dish detergent when it's time to take a bubble bath," but really, who cares?  It makes no difference if you bathe with a 3-for-99-cents bar of soap from the dollar tree or a pot of $140 Russian Amber shampoo by Philip B., you can make your tub time truly luxurious with only a few little additions.

I like to add a few candles on the edge of my tub; they need not be expensive (and if you can make your own candles out of leftovers and an old spaghetti jar, so much the better!) but they certainly can lend an air of tranquil pleasure to your bath.  You can even find an artificial candlelight generator app on your Android phone (if you're so blessed), which I've done more than once.  The one I have (which I downloaded for free) even gives you customizable flame colors -- purple flame, anyone?

And bubbles are nice, but not always necessary -- by the way, I recall a few times where my own mother broke out the Ivory or the Palmolive dish liquid when, as a child, I craved bubbles in my bath.  If it's not going to harm your skin, who really cares?  No shame in being creative.  These days, I save my pennies for the luxury of something special from the Lush store when I can get it (and use it carefully).  But even bubbles from your dollar store or local pharmacy will do the trick wonderfully.

You can also add specific herbs and items to your bath to cleanse your soul and enhance positivity.  A bit of rose oil or dropping in rose petals for love, some sea salt to purify your energy levels, lavender to relax, rosemary to energize, or a sachet of fresh or dried basil to attract prosperity and positivity... these can all replenish your spiritual energy and give you a whole new lease on life!

Some folks choose to do their entire beauty regimens in the bath -- shaving legs, deep conditioning hair, even wearing a facial masque while splashing away in the tub.  And some people bring a cocktail (or in my case, a nice cold can of soda) into the tub, sipping their cares away.  Or, you can just relax and allow your tension to melt away, enjoying the sights, sounds, and scents of your spiritual bathing experience.  The bottom line is that your bathtime rituals can be fully customizable and specifically tailored to your needs and wants.

So grab your rubber ducky, and your favorite towel, and enjoy!

Positive Affirmations to Improve Your Life NOW!

I've been doing research on using affirmations to change the way that we think and feel about ourselves. Using them can help to eliminate the negative self-talk that some of us are constantly battling every day. 

When you use affirmations, it's important to say them as if what you want is already a reality of your life, rather than merely say what you hope will happen.  Quite honestly, I feel kind of silly talking about things that don't yet exist for me -- like better health, or more time to do what I need to do -- it's a bit strange saying things like "I enjoy perfect health" on those days when I wake up feeling like crap.  Nevertheless, I figured I'd give it a shot.  It certainly can't hurt, and maybe it actually will help me to feel better!  I also get a lot out of the ones that I truly feel each and every day, such as the first one in the video: "My life is full of things to enjoy and appreciate."  Who can't agree with that one? 

Here are a few affirmations that I've come up with, and wanted to share with you; see if you can find a good one to try regularly. Also, you've gotta love that adorable little can-can girl in the background!  I added a rainbow of colors to spice up the vintage black and white footage.  Can you believe that this was recorded over a hundred years ago?  She's looking mighty fine for her age. ;)

I don't just want you to sit there passively, reading the affirmation on the screen.  Say each one out loud; feel them.  Heck, SHOUT THEM if you feel the spirit moving you.  And if you have any affirmations that you particularly enjoy using, feel free to leave me some comments about them! Thanks!