We Spent a Night Together, But He Didn’t Call Me Back. Why?

Have you ever been deeply in love with someone, spend a whirlwind of a few days with them... only to be iced out or ghosted completely? Why the hell do men do that?

One answer might be surprising: our post-coital emotions and behavior are influenced by body chemistry.

After sex, women tend to experience higher levels of the hormone oxytocin, which is released steadily from physical touch. The fastest way to receive it is skin to skin contact, and engaging in physical intimacy will cause a woman’s body to create even more of it.

At the same time, a man’s testosterone levels plummet post-sex, especially during the act of post-coital cuddling, as their oxytocin raises. It makes sense, considering the testosterone producers running wild during arousal and intercourse. Once his hormone levels crash, his body may begin craving another hit to slake its need for more supply. So he may be, without realizing it, disengaging to go do something manly and productive.

Investing in Crystals: How to Find the Best Stone Talismans for You

 If you’re willing to spend $20, you’ll get a crystal with protection of angels, fairies, and other such mysterious entities. And if you’re willing to spend $80, you’ll get a crystal with protection from energy vampires.

But if you love crystals as much as we do, you might be confused about what you need, and whether or not it’s actually going to be the right one for you. How would you even start? Looking into which birthstone is right for you might be a great way to begin.

According to Shaman Elisabeth Briggs, “one of the best ways to make an investment in crystals is to buy one in which the group or spirit in which it is in is important to you. This is a personal preference and can be easily determined by you if the word ‘Love’ comes to mind as the essence of your thoughts.”

Signs & Signals of a False Twin Flame

We're all looking for our soulmate, also known as a twin flame.  There are so many discussions about it online, in books, movies, and personal conversations.  Because of this, there is often a lot of confusion among people as to whether or not the "twin flame" that they're currently involved with is their true soulmate… as opposed to the false "twin flame."

Because our hopes and dreams hinge frequently on finding this person, we may sometimes come across people who seem too good to be true… false twin flames.  Here are some signs that, perhaps, the person who seems like they might be a true twin flame, is actually a false one.

Just as our twin flame has many similarities to us, so too will the false twin flame.  On a superficial level, this person may seem to be rather similar -- and sometimes, very similar, or complimentary to us.  They may share similar goals, backgrounds, values, or personal tastes.  However, with a false twin flame, the similarities may end there.

You true soulmate, or any person who loves you, will naturally want to be supportive of positive changes within your life.  The hallmark of a false twin flame is of duplicitousness.  If this person's behavior does not correspond to the love and care of your relationship, your feelings or personal well-being, then this person may not be exactly whom they seem to be.

Everyone has faults, flaws, and things about themselves that they'd like to repair.  However, sooner or later, most of us will come to terms with those issues as we mature.  Just as you are willing to sacrifice and improve yourself for the good of your relationship, so too should your soulmate be willing to do the same for you and your relationship.  A false twin flame may show a selfish streak, be unwilling to improve him- or herself, or exhibit a lack of care regarding your feelings or what's best for you as a couple.

A false twin flame will also take advantage of the other person in the relationship, be it financially, spiritually, sexually, or otherwise.  All the giving in the world is not enough for the false twin flame.  The false twin flame is left unfulfilled, as is the giver.  No one wins in a relationship like this.

While there may be a deep attraction between the two people, the giver may still feel a sense of anxiety or stress in the relationship.  The false twin flame may behave in ways that upset or depress the giver, whether these actions are conscious or not.  The false twin flame may deplete or sap the energy of the giver.  This is not a healthy relationship.

Upon a break between these two, the giver may come to realize exactly how much time and effort was expended into this relationship while the false twin flame did not truly experience the same connection.  Remember that many connections which are easily made, are also easily broken.  It is important to take an objective look at this relationship.  There are lessons to be learned from dealing with false twin flames as we evolve ever closer to the person we're supposed to be as we prepare to receive our true soulmate.

Dealing With Unhealthy Attachments

Getting mired down in bad situations can bring your emotional well-being to a screeching halt!

We all need to weather things that we don't like.  From time to time, you might need to take a job that doesn't exactly thrill you.  Perhaps you'll be required to interact with people who are less than nice -- but you've gotta do it.  Life often has messes to clean, people to handle, problems to manage.  It's just the way things are.

That said, there is a dark side to this coin... or, should I say, an even darker side?  There are times and situations into which we will immerse our own selves, yet there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to it.  Perhaps we're stuck in a dead-end job, despite our fine qualifications.  Or maybe we allow ourselves to continue in a very unsatisfying and harmful relationship instead of ending things and moving along into a healthier direction.

We don't always make our own misery in life -- there's plenty which is handed to us.  However, because there are so many things in life which cannot be controlled, there really is no reason to continue dealing with unhealthy and upsetting things when we can control them.

When you choose to move your life into a healthy direction, you're choosing happiness.  You're choosing life and positivity with all who know you.  You are enabling yourself to give and receive love more freely when you let go of unhealthy attachments.  It can be incredibly hard not to fall into traps like this -- but so rewarding when you free yourself.

Identifying a Narcissist

He is very charismatic and easily charms people...  But he can be cruel behind closed doors.  He has few friends or connections from his past...  he wants the relationship to move way too fast... he is a pathological liar... he believes his own lies.  He is very needy and greedy for money, love, and everything else that he can get... He isolates you from other people.  He is dramatic & often plays the role of a victim.  He "mirrors" you, behaving as if you have so much in common... But ultimately, he cannot be trusted.

The True Story of Betty Broderick: Her Marriage and Divorce

In the Lifetime movies about Betty Broderick, she is played by Meredith Baxter Birney.  They are two of my favorite Lifetime movies, and they're based on the true story of a woman scorned!

Betty was born in a town in southern New York, and had a very strict childhood.  She was 18 years old when she met her husband-to-be, Daniel T. Broderick.  They married in 1969 and had five children.  In addition to their daughter and four sons (one of whom died within days of his birth), the couple also suffered several miscarriages.  During the majority of their marriage, Betty was pregnant with many small children to raise.

While Daniel went to medical school Betty raised the kids and was also the primary breadwinner of the family.  Her husband then changed the course of his studies and went on to earn a law degree as Betty continued to work and support their large family.

Daniel Broderick met Linda Kolkena in 1983 when he hired her as a receptionist.  She was a beautiful and gregarious young woman, a former flight attendant who had lost her job due to flirtatious behavior.  Betty accused Daniel of having an affair with Linda on numerous occasions, yet he continuously denied ever having any sort of non-professional relationship with her prior to the Brodericks' divorce.

The Brodericks' marriage became very strained, hostile and emotionally abusive.  Daniel moved out of their residence against Betty's wishes and eventually, he filed for divorce.  The divorce was a brutal event for both of them, and it took a very long time before it was finalized.  During this time, Betty had abandoned her children and Daniel was awarded custody.  Betty sent hateful, angry letters and voicemail messages to the family as she felt that she had been "replaced" by Linda, who resembled a younger version of Betty.

In 1989, after four years of legal work, the divorce became official.  Daniel and Linda married in April of 1989 and Betty moved on as well, co-habitating with a boyfriend that she'd had for some time during the separation.  The angry messages and violations of restraining order continued as Betty's anger did not seem to be assuaged.

In November of 1989 -- six months after Dan and Linda's marriage -- Betty illegally trespassed on their property, sneaking into the couple's bedroom, and shot them each in the head at close range.  Although she has denied even recalling the act of pulling the trigger, Betty was convicted of murder and sentenced to two 15-year terms in prison.  Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Park Dietz has diagnosed with Betty Broderick with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  She's currently incarcerated at a women's prison in California.

Some view Betty Broderick as something of a hero to cast-away wives, and some as their worst nightmare.

What do you think?  Feel free to comment and give your opinion of this story!

How to Cut Toxic People & Negative Friends Out of Your Life

Connections with other people are one of life's greatest joys. Interacting with those that you love and who love you can make the difference between an awful day and an amazing one.

However, we all have people in our lives who are less than perfect. In fact, no one in this world is perfect! There will be times when our best friends, loved ones, and life partners will have bad days. They might grumble, they might be negative, or they may even be snarky and mean to us. Or, we might be the ones who are feeling negative, and will do the same to other people. This is normal and natural -- everyone has good days and bad. If we love each other, we'll put up with it, because the bad is often outweighed by the good.

But there are also people who don't quite fit this mold. You know the types I'm talking about -- the drama queens, the judgmental jerks, the negativity sinks, the time wasters, negative friends, and the users. (I have a book about emotional vampires, which you can peruse here, which goes into greater depth about the types of emotional vampires that we deal with on a day to day basis.) When you care about someone, but they are depleting you, perhaps it's time to have a heart-to-hear with them about what's going on. It is okay to speak up and explain to your negative friends when your needs aren't getting met. Don't assume that you're being selfish just because you're standing up for yourself and your own well-being. (Also… here's a radical thought: What's so wrong with being a bit selfish now and again, anyway?) Dump that toxic friend! You do not need to spend time with someone who's draining away your energy.

If you've already had these conversations with those negative friends, and you're still searching for ways to end a friendship gracefully, chances are that your needs are still not being met. I'm assuming that you've already taken a good, long look at the friendship, including the parts that you had played in your dealings with this emotional vampire.

You may be feeling as though you've tried all of the solutions that you can -- speaking from the heart, setting limits, enforcing boundaries, or saying "no" once in awhile, only to continue to be met with disrespect, negativity, or a lack of reciprocity. It's now time for you to cut this toxic friendship from your life, so that you can invest that time in focusing on bigger and better things.

There are two ways that you can go about this: The easy way (which is often harder!), and the hard way (which is often easier!). Either can be effective; it simply depends on the type of negative person you are cutting out of your life.

The easy one has one basic step: Just cut them out. Quit calling or texting them. Stop taking their calls, unfriend them online, quit inviting them to your functions, and stop going to theirs. If you have mutual friends, you must also resist the temptation to talk about them with those friends. The drawback of this is that there could be some backlash, particularly if you're close. However, if this "friend" has done an egregious thing to you, betrayed a major trust, or committed some significant act of betrayal, it may be the way to go.

The hard way involves keeping the negative friend in your life. However, you'll simply be spending less time with them. (I must admit, I've done this method before! It works!) This method is much better for people that you do like, but are just too difficult to be around all the time. Maybe they're very high-maintenance, very negative, or just really different from you in uncomfortable ways. Perhaps they don't respect your boundaries and don't seem to respond well to discussions or other attempts to correct it. However, if they genuinely mean well and are not going out of their way to hurt you, the "hard way" is worth a try. It will take a lot more time, but will also be much easier on your friendship. Encourage this person to branch out and do new things -- this way, there'll be less time for them to bug you. ;) Pare down your communication: for example, if you speak on the phone every day or two, try cutting down to a couple times a week. If you hang out every week, try canceling from time to time and see if you can get it down to a couple of times a month. Make a plan to reduce the amount of time that you spend with him or her. Write it down on your calendar if you need to, but stick to the plan. On the occasions that you do talk or hang out, keep things positive and cordial. I'd also recommend that, during any conversation that you do have, you try to insert details about things that are keeping you so busy -- talk about your kids, your job, any hobbies or interests or obligations which might take up your time. You don't need to complain about these types of things (unless they truly are driving you nuts!), but making sure to acknowledge them will help take the edge off with your friend.

If you have mutual friends, and you try the above method, you may be required to spend time with this person anyway. That's okay! Sometimes being in a group with the toxic person can make things a lot more palatable. You'll both have other people to talk with, and you can even spend time together in a more controlled setting.

A few words of caution: If you're trying valiantly to keep things civil and the other person is not being accepting of the way things are, things could get dicey. Try the following phrases to diffuse tension:

"I understand."

"I'm sorry."

"Let's talk about this later, when we've both had time to calm down."

Whether you actually agree with the above statements is not the point. Diffusing a tough situation is the name of the game. Anyone who is going to throw tantrums, though, might need you to revert back to "the easy method."

Does this technique sound passive-aggressive? I know that some aspects of it certainly are. However, when you're dealing with an emotional vampire, sometimes it's much easier to do things gently as it helps to minimize the drama which is the emotional vampire's lifeblood. It also helps to preserve your sanity, as well.

Stalked at 17: The Story That's a True Warning

The Lifetime movie, Stalked at 17, is a true eye-opener for people who consider teen romance to be a trivial story.  "He's only overprotective because he loves me," Angela offered this explanation as a reason for why her boyfriend, Chad, flipped out at the night before.

But the guy from the restaurant had Chad's number.  "The way he treats other people... someday he will treat you that way," he said in response.

Angela, who was only sixteen, met Chad while touring a university.  They hooked up at a party later that night, and from there, the two were inseperable.  On the surface, Chad seemed like the perfect guy.  He was gorgeous, smart, and going places with his life.  A student in college just on the verge of graduating, Chad seemed to have everything going for him.  He seemed to come from a good family, with a mother was on the city council with friends in high places.  And Chad had treated her so lovingly at first.  His true colors began to show quickly, though.

But Chad was a very controlling boyfriend.  He manipulated Angela at every opportunity; large betrayals such as getting her pregnant on purpose, and even small controlling things such as deciding what she should drink when she visited his mother's house.  He had an extremely volatile temper.  Chad's first reaction always seemed to be yelling and violent behavior -- from causing an embarrassing scene at a restaurant when Angela's chicken was undercooked, to wigging out when his roommates played their music too loudly -- Chad would show his terrible temper at every turn.

And Chad wasn't being up front with Angela about his past.  Although he'd told her that his biological mother had been murdered, the truth was that she was actually a drug addict who was serving time in prison for armed robbery.  And Angela wasn't the first girl that he had gotten pregnant; there was another one in his past, who had refused his proposals of marriage, gotten an abortion, and ended their relationship.

When Angela's parents decided that it was best for the two of them to stop seeing each other, Chad's true colors emerged.  Chad harrassed Angela's dad on the phone, calling his home and work incessantly.  He was hostile and threatening toward Angela's mother.  He would go to Angela's school and home to visit her without her parents' permission.  Eventually they filed a restraining order, which he and Angela periodically ignored.  When Chad attacked Angela's father in a parking lot with a tire iron, he was sent to jail for assault.  Angela's friend Tenaya calls him, "violent and creepy... a nut case."

While Chad was in jail, Angela continued living her life.  She stayed in school, saw her pregnancy through, and had a baby boy whom she named Josh.  When Chad turned to his biological mother for help, she agreed to his plot to kidnap Angela and the baby.

Chad and his mother didn't get very far, however.  After showing a remarkable amount of weak will throughout the entire movie, finally Angela becomes motivated to fight for herself and her child.  She finds a way to notify someone that she is in need of help, and takes control of the situation in order to escape from under his thumb.

I had never heard of this movie until I started reading other people's search terms, which were leading Stalked at 17 enthusiasts my way.  I found it to be a fairly entertaining movie with some redeeming qualities.  It was a nice way to spend a snowy afternoon.  However, I still love Obsessed way more. :)

Many people seemed to also be seeking the name of the song from Stalked at 17's trailer.  Allow me to help you!  It's called "All Alone" by David O'Dowda.  I've also found a video for it on YouTube.

Enjoy!



Was "Stalked at 17" based on a true story?  According to this tweet from the star of the movie Taylor Spreitler who plays the main character, this movie is not based on a specific story.  However, it was inspired by some true events.

What other Lifetime movies do you enjoy?  Please leave me a comment below! :)

Worse Things Than Being Alone

I've been writing eBooks lately, based on some of the relationship nightmares that I've been hearing about.  When we look around and see what other people are experiencing, it's easy to feel lucky that we've got the problems that we have!

Sometimes, we put up with someone who mistreats us or doesn't respect our rights.  Some people say that even a bad relationship is better than having none at all; the loneliness is too frightening to face for some.  This may prompt those people to remain in a relationship that is unhealthy, negative, or even damaging to them.


Here's a list of things that are worse than being alone.  If your mate does any of the things on this list, it may be time to take control of your own life, to let go of the relationship, and enjoy the freedom of being alone -- without having to worry about being mistreated by someone who doesn't deserve you!


1. Being in a relationship with someone who uses you.
2. Being in a relationship with someone who lies to you.
3. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.
4. Being in a relationship with someone who expects you to do everything for them.
5. Being in a relationship with someone who demeans you.
6. Being in a relationship with someone who belittles you.
7. Being in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets from you.
8. Being in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful.
9. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your problems.
10. Being in a relationship with someone who emotionally abuses you.
11. Being in a relationship with someone who physically abuses you.
12. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel worthless.
13. Being in a relationship with someone who physically violates you.
14. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to control you.
15. Being in a relationship with someone who forces you to do things that you don't want to do.
16. Being in a relationship with someone who kicks you when you're down.
17. Being in a relationship with someone who has a problem with anger.
18. Being in a relationship with someone who takes their troubles out on you.
19. Being in a relationship with someone who has addiction issues and will not get help.
20. Being in a relationship with someone who values everything else above their relationship with you.
21. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
22. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you with violence.
23. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.
24. Being in a relationship with someone who cheats on you.
25. Being in a relationship with someone who manipulates you.
26. Being in a relationship with someone who plays mind games with you.
27. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect your personal space.
28. Being in a relationship with someone who feels no remorse for hurting you.
29. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you.
30. Being in a relationship with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you.
31. Being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction that is out of control.
32. Being in a relationship with someone who has problems for which he is unwilling to get help.
33. Being in a relationship with someone who does not take responsibility for his actions.
34. Being in a relationship with someone who blames you for all of his failures.
35. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel unsafe.
36. Being in a relationship with someone who uses you.
37. Being in a relationship with someone who lies to you.
38. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.
39. Being in a relationship with someone who expects you to do everything for them.
40. Being in a relationship with someone who demeans you.
41. Being in a relationship with someone who belittles you.
42. Being in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets from you.
43. Being in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful.
44. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your problems.
45. Being in a relationship with someone who emotionally abuses you.
46. Being in a relationship with someone who physically abuses you.
47. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel worthless.
48. Being in a relationship with someone who physically violates you.
49. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to control you.
50. Being in a relationship with someone who forces you to do things that you don't want to do.
51. Being in a relationship with someone who kicks you when you're down.
52. Being in a relationship with someone who has a problem with anger.
53. Being in a relationship with someone who takes their troubles out on you.
54. Being in a relationship with someone who has addiction issues and will not get help.
55. Being in a relationship with someone who values everything else above their relationship with you.
56. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
57. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you with violence.
58. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.
59. Being in a relationship with someone who cheats on you.
60. Being in a relationship with someone who manipulates you.
61. Being in a relationship with someone who plays mind games with you.
62. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect your personal space.
63. Being in a relationship with someone who feels no remorse for hurting you.
64. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you.
65. Being in a relationship with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you.
66. Being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction that is out of control.
67. Being in a relationship with someone who has problems for which he is unwilling to get help.
68. Being in a relationship with someone who does not take responsibility for his actions.
69. Being in a relationship with someone who blames you for all of his failures.
70. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel unsafe.
71. Being in a relationship with someone who has sex with you against your will.
72. Being in a relationship with someone who seems fine in public, but lashes out at you privately.
73. Being in a relationship with someone who mistreats your children.
74. Being in a relationship with someone who isolates you from friends or family.
75. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to keep you down.
76. Being in a relationship with someone who steals from you.
77. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect what is important to you.
78. Being in a relationship with someone who makes promises and never keeps them.
79. Being in a relationship with someone who treats you like an object instead of like a person.
80. Being in a relationship with someone who takes more than he gives back.
81. Being in a relationship with someone who does things to upset you on purpose.
82. Being in a relationship with someone who you can never depend on.
83. Being in a relationship with someone who has sex with you against your will.
84. Being in a relationship with someone who seems fine in public, but lashes out at you privately.
85. Being in a relationship with someone who mistreats your children.
86. Being in a relationship with someone who isolates you from friends or family.
87. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to keep you down.
88. Being in a relationship with someone who steals from you.
89. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect what is important to you.
90. Being in a relationship with someone who makes promises and never keeps them.
91. Being in a relationship with someone who treats you like an object instead of like a person.
92. Being in a relationship with someone who takes more than he gives back.
93. Being in a relationship with someone who does things to upset you on purpose.
94. Being in a relationship with someone who does not value you.
95. Being in a relationship with someone whom you cannot trust.
96. Being in a relationship with someone who intimidates you in order to get what he wants.
97. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to minimize your achievements.
98. Being in a relationship with someone who ignores your basic needs.
99. Being in a relationship with someone who does not recognize your rights as a human being.
100. Being in a relationship with someone who has any of the issues above -- yet doesn’t have any interest in doing something about them.




Photo source:  Screaming guy photo by crosathorian.  Woman photo is public domain.

Traits of a Sociopath

1. They are charming, and have a way with words.  There’s a tendency to be engaging and charismatic.  They aren’t shy or self-conscious; because of their disregard for acceptable social behavior, they will speak whenever they feel like it and often say whatever they think will make an impact.

2. They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.  Sociopaths often see themselves as being better than everyone else, or “special” somehow.  They have an unrealistically enhanced view of themselves.  They will brag; they are opinionated, and overly self-assured.

3. They get bored easily.  A sociopath has a higher than average need for stimulation, and they are often prone to boredom.  Sociopaths seek out things that are exciting and novel.  They take chances and often engage in risky behavior, because they are easily bored.  They also lack self-discipline, and get bored with routine; failure to hold a job for an extended period of time can be a telling sign.

4. They lie.  The lies can big big, small, or anything in between.  Sociopaths think nothing of being dishonest.  At a sociopath’s best, he or she can be crafty and shrewd; at worst, they can be manipulative, deceitful, and sneaky in their dishonesty.

5. They manipulate people.  This doesn’t have to mean they’re deceptive, but often deceit can play a part in manipulation.  The difference between manipulation and dishonesty is the level of ruthlessness or lack of empathy present.  A true sociopath has little interest or awareness in the feelings of others; people are seen as sources of gratification, not as humans with emotions.

6. They have no remorse.  A sociopath will not have any concern for the sadness, pain, loss, or suffering of his or her victims.  Someone like this is seen as heartless and inconsiderate.  In fact, there is often a certain level of scorn or indifference concerning the sociopath’s victims.

7. They are shallow and superficial.  Someone like this has a limited spectrum of emotions.  He or she may display signs of caring or friendliness when necessary or beneficial, but check further; there may be nothing underneath to suggest much beneath the surface.

8. They are cold-hearted.  We’ve discussed the lack of empathy toward a sociopath’s victims, but there is also a lack of empathy for people in general.  A sociopath may be described as “a cold fish” -- they are inconsiderate and self-absorbed, with little room for interest in other people’s feelings.

9. They are parasites.  Often, a sociopath will intentionally manipulate others and become financially dependent on other people.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will con people out of direct cash; it may be as simple as failure to pay his or her own way, expecting other people to pick up the tab for his or her lifestyle.  This is often seen as selfishness, a lack of self-discipline, lack of motivation, an inability to behave responsibly or to follow through with responsibilities.

10. They will have problems controlling their emotions.  You will notice that a sociopath may have difficulty controlling his or her temper.  They may jump to conclusions, behave in haste, and lash out verbally or physically at other people when they are annoyed.  A sociopath’s patience is very limited, as are his or her ability to manage his or her feelings in a healthy way.

11. They are promiscuous.  Sociopaths often have shallow and brief sexual encounters and affairs.  Often, they have little discrimination in sexual partners, and are willing to have sex with virtually anyone.  A sociopath might have a history of engaging in multiple relationships at once, or a history of using coercion to get sex from others.  Sociopaths often take pride in boasting of their sexual conquests and activities as well.

12. Their behavior problems begin at a young age.  Before the teenage years, a sociopath likely already been committing unacceptable behaviors.  Young sociopaths often participate in activities including bullying, violence, setting fires, sexual behavior or activity, drugs or alcohol, running away from home, cheating, stealing, and vandalizing.

13. They don’t have life direction or long-term goals.  While a sociopath may talk a good game, there are often little or no attempts to follow through with goals as time passes.  There may be a history of failure or inability to develop long-term plans.  A sociopath may lack direction, both physically and mentally.  They may change jobs, residences, even circles of friends as time passes.

14. They are impulsive.  A sociopath may exhibit behaviors that clearly show action without thinking beforehand.  There are unable to deal with temptations, urges, or frustrations.  Sociopaths often commit reckless behaviors and engage in behaviors that are foolish or without thinking of the consequences.

15. They are irresponsible.  A sociopath may get the reputation for repeatedly failing to honor commitments or follow through on promises.  They may also fail to take care of obligations, such as ignoring bills or defaulting on loans, shirking responsibilities, performing tasks lazily, tardiness or absence to work, or failing to live up to agreements he or she has made.

16. They do not accept responsibility for their actions.  Sociopaths will often try to escape their responsibilities.  They may blame others for their own mistakes, or simply fail to acknowledge responsibilities in any way.  This often goes hand in hand with denial and manipulation of others.

17. They fall in and out of live easily.  Many of their relationships, including love and marriage, are brief and shallow.  When someone is lacking in the emotional skills to participate in a relationship, combined with a lack of ability to follow through with responsibilities, they will connect briefly but shallowly.  Such romantic connections are made easily and broken easily to them.

18. They may be juvenile delinquents.  Aside from simple behavior problems, a young sociopath will have trouble understanding or following basic societal laws or guidelines.  Between the ages of 13 and 18, sociopaths often commit crimes and engage in behavior that involves aggression, exploitation, and manipulation.

19. They fail to meet legal obligations or requirements.  If he or she has been in trouble with the law, it is not unusual for a sociopath to disregard or violate requirements which have been set for them; often due to being careless, deliberately ignoring notices, or failure to be in attendance when summoned.

20. They can disregard laws or rules in a number of ways.  A sociopath may violate a number of rules or laws, whether or not they are caught.  There may be pride or bragging involving getting away with criminal activity or violating rules.  Many sociopaths believe that they are “above” the rules.

Stalked at 17: The Real Story of Chad Bruning's True Colors

Sometimes, abusive personalities form in people who have had less than perfect childhoods.  And of course, they can also be present in people with idyllic and perfect family lives as well.

According to a study which was done in the early 2000s, a child from an abusive home is 30% more likely to repeat the abusive actions that are done either between his or her parents, or to repeat the abuse which is done to him or her.

In "Stalked At 17," the character Chad Bruning came from a very dysfunctional and unstable home life.  His biological mother, a drug addict who had been serving prison time for theft, was so unstable that she was even willing to kidnap Chad's girlfriend and baby in order to placate her son.

But the worst issue of all is Chad himself.  Although he was raised by his mother's boss, welcomed and included into that family, he still felt a sense that something was missing.  As a result, he chose the worst possible reason for bringing a child into the world:  Because he didn't feel loved enough by the people around him.  His craving for love and control prompted him to emotionally and physically abuse and manipulate his girlfriend, Angela, as well as lie to her and conceive a child without her knowledge or consent.

It is important to remember that abuse can happen even in relationships with people as young as Chad and Angela.  Not all abusive relationships are between adults, and not all teen and young-adult relationships are innocent, carefree, and idyllic.   Although this is just a Lifetime movie which can be watched for fun, it is important to remember that even here, there are lessons to be learned about relationships.

In order to do the best for yourself, your mate, and the children that you may decide to have in the future, it is imperative that we all understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  By educating ourselves and each other about the dangers of manipulative, controlling, or even abusive personalities, we are protecting ourselves from present and future damage.  Stay strong and be smart.  You deserve a healthy, happy relationship and a wonderful future!

P.S.  Do you like the picture?  I drew it from a 10-pixel pencil in Photoshop!  I couldn't find any public domain photos to use, so I made a little fan art.  (If anyone out there draws -- let me know, I'd love to find more for future articles!)

Is the Lifetime Movie "Stalked at 17" a True Story?

The internet has been abuzz about the Lifetime movie, Stalked at 17.  Because my readers tend to be fans of media that focuses on relationships, I thought I'd answer this question once and for all.

Taylor Spreitler, who plays Angela, the victim of Chad's insane and possessive love in this movie, commented on the status of this movie through Twitter a few months back.  While she says that the movie is a composite which is "inspired by true events," it does not follow a particular case play-by-play.  Instead, it is a worst-case-scenario cautionary tale about what can happen when you allow the person you love to overstep boundaries and to take complete control of your heart, your body, and your life.

Spreitler does add that this type of dysfunctional behavior in relationships is indeed "an issue," which should be discussed more in the mainstream consciousness.  Teen relationship abuse, also known as "dating abuse" in some circles, is more prevalent than you might think.  10% of all teens have been hit, slapped, or otherwise physically harmed by their boyfriend or girlfriend.  And a whopping 25% of  teenage girls are the victims of sexual or physical abuse.  These saddening statistics might change if more light would be shined on this subject, in order to send the message that physical or sexual violence in a relationship is never okay! 

For more information, visit www.LoveIsRespect.org to learn more about healthy relationships.

Who is Clark Rockefeller?

The kidnapping of Reigh Rockefeller in 2009 sparked a huge interest in her father and kidnapper, Clark Rockefeller.  Was he really the person that he seemed to be?  Or was he someone else -- an emotional vampire of the deadliest kind?

In fact, Rockefeller's true identity is Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter, who was actually born in the small town of Bergen in Germany to parents Simon and Ermengard Gerhartsreiter.  As a teenager, he came to the United States, and soon began using aliases and adopting different identities.  At one period of time, Gerhartsreiter lived in San Marino, California under the name Christopher Chichester.  The high-society set there had been so taken with him that he'd actually run for political office and had his own television talk show, Inside San Marino.  During his time there, it is thought that he murdered his landlords, Jonathan Sohus and his wife, Linda Sohus, who had gone missing during this time.  Jonathan Sohus's skeletal remains were found years later, but the whereabouts and status of Linda Sohus have never been determined.

Eventually, Gerhartsreiter made his way to New York and gained membership into a prestigious church where he mingled with the movers and shakers of society.  He introduced himself as "Clark Rockefeller" and led hundreds of people to believe that he was part of the famous Rockefeller clan.  While still impersonating a member of the prestigious Rockefeller family, Gerhartsreiter met and married Sandra Boss, graduate of Harvard Business school and successful businesswoman, and the two had a daughter together.  Living off of his wife's income, Clark Rockefeller became a "house husband" and dedicated his life to the home, while the family lived off of Sandra Boss's hard-earned money as a business consultant.  They had homes in both Boston and New Hampshire, and lived an opulent lifestyle which forced Sandra to work even harder in order to keep up with Rockefeller's profligate spending habits. 

Finally, Sandra Boss had had enough of her husband's emotional abuse, controlling behavior, and financial recklessness.  She owned up to the fact that her husband had been deceiving her.  She filed for divorce, and gained custody of Reigh in exchange for $800,000 and the engagement ring that Gerhartsreiter had given her when they had agreed to marry -- a price that Clark Rockefeller himself had set in exchange for his daughter.

In July of 2008, Gerhartsreiter orchestrated a plan to kidnap their daughter which involved an elaborate ruse to separate Reigh from her chaperone, abscond the girl, and leave the city with her.  The two were found about a week later in Baltimore, where Gerhartsreiter was arrested and Reigh was returned to her mother.  Many people have been fascinated by the story, and wondering who the real Clark Rockefeller is.  Christian Gerhartsreiter has longed for fame and attention during the course of his entire life of lies, and now it looks like his "wish" has come true since the kidnapping of his daughter.  I'm sure that more information about Clark Rockefeller (or Christian Gerhartsreiter)'s life will come to light as his murder trial begins.

Stalked at 17 and Your True Story

One of the searches that seems to be bringing people to my blog is the movie, Stalked at 17, which is a 2012 Lifetime movie.  The main character, Angela, winds up becoming involved with a seemingly perfect guy named Chad, who has a dark past and a tendency toward unstable, destructive behavior.

The star of Stalked at 17, Taylor Spreitler, has confirmed that Stalked at 17 was not based on a particular story; she says that it is "inspired by true events," though "not a particular one."  Spreitler does add that the movie's message has merit in the real world, despite its theatrical drama; "...it's an issue," she stated.

Stalked at 17, while not based on a specific true story, was, however inspired by some events that did actually happen.  The characters of Angela and Chad are composites which are based on a number of cases of love gone bad.  Although this is just a regular fun Lifetime movie, the typical drama with a bit of a thrilling edge... this movie can still serve as a warning to us.  So many nightmarish situations arise when we behave impulsively and neglect to use our natural logic!

When we are young or feeling vulnerable, we may be more willing to become attached to someone who is less than stable.  This is how emotional manipulators and predators work: they seek out targets who are vulnerable and more likely to believe their lies and put up with their BS.

It is so important to get to know someone before making a commitment to them.  More than that, you need to know and respect yourself as well.  And, of course, if you're going to be intimate with someone, always use a condom!  The last thing that you want is to become pregnant by someone who will later use your situation to control and manipulate you.  A child ties you to that other person for at least 18 years, if not more, so you must be certain that this is what you want before entering into this type of situation with another person.  No one wants a crazy person for their baby's daddy (or mom)!

By being strong, confident, loving and respectful of yourself, you are automatically setting your own personal standards to a more reasonable level.  Remember that a child is forever, and the person with whom you share that link with will be forever linked to you, through biology and through family life.  Don't accept predatory, abusive, or threatening treatment from anyone who is trying to use or manipulate you.  By choosing healthy relationships, you're putting yourself and your potential family into the best possible situation for the future.

Fashionfab Seeks Advice

Today, I saw that my Keen blog had received a question asking for my input.  So, here's my take on the situation...

"Fashionfab" wrote:
Hi!
I need some major advice please!!!!!
Okay long story somewhat short lol. I was with a guy for 2 years I loved him, and I thought he loved me… we spoke about marriage but after a year he back away and said he has a strict family and they will pick his wife and he can’t do anything about it (this is actually true it a culture thing from where he is from) BUT he broke up with me via text out of the blue… we met one day and 2 days later he sent a message… of course I was crushed this was my first relationship. Okay so throughout the breakup I made mistakes and texted him, told him why blah blah… but I stopped later.
After about 2 years later he messaged me on e-mail saying the major reason why he broke if off was he knew it wasn’t going anywhere but refuse to tell me.. and two he wanted a girl to have sex with and I wasn’t giving it to him because I am a virgin (oh I am now 23) and he said I was a girl for a man to marry not to mess with. So he found a new girl and brags that she and him ONLY hang in a parked car and why couldn’t I do that. I just LOL at it. So the past 2 months him and I have been talking just as friends. He would always repond to my texts (which before he would ignore or cuss me out etc, and this is 3 year after the break up). I told him it great hearing from you and I hope our path cross… he replied saying God willing our paths do cross I really hope that. So I just replied saying yeah. we would text throughtout the day mostly the morning, talking about all sort of stuff, TV, our lives, just friends talking. So he keep complimenting me and I just say thanns nothing more to make him feel like I want him back (BUT I DO STILL CARE A LOT FOR HIM). He than proceeds to say he is loving the way I live my life and he is envious and jealous. I moved away from the state I used to live in that he is still in and now in law school… and he always says he is jealous of me, which I don’t like.. always saying I am beautiful, that he misses me, wants to see me, calls me a “G” but I just say don’t be your got it good too… anyways he asked to see me, I said may be when I am back. So I later told him may be if we meet in public NOT A CAR, and just get coffee. He agreed and said he would find time. I said sure. He told me last week that may be this week we would me, well, I text him saying hey did you find a day so I knew bc i would be leaving back soon, he didn’t reply.. so I left it. Hours went by nothing. I told my friend, she took his number and called private without me knowing :/ he picked up!! So I later text saying I don’t know what’s going on, but I will respect that bye friend. The next morning he text saying hey, I replied with hi 2 hours later. He wrote how are you feeling, 2o min later I said pretty good. THAN he proceeded to ignore me again so I wrote if you don;t want to talk to me than don’t text or play games. I don’t want to waste time. I am really sad because I care so much for him, and am his friend and had faith he would be a MAN and just not play this game of hot and cold anymore… we are just friends. I am away and busy so I don’t expect much from him but a polite I can’t meet up but have a safe trip back maybe next time or just if he doesnt want to talk to ne stop talking don’t talk to me than, ignore. The week is over and I am going back to my University I didn’t hear from him….

OH, and he kept saying he would come visit me in the state I am in now bc it is a tourist state, and said we would have fun and just hang… he was saying/asking would it be awkward, i said no but if we meet it would take the awkwardness away….

So will he ever text me? Because I secretly do want to hear from him again??? Why does he do this? is he fooling me? Please help, my heart is broken again. I been hurting for almost 4 year becouse of this guy… this is a long long long story that is very condense. He is kind of a jerk, obivosly a player since he left to find a sex buddy. I feel like he doesn’t care, yet I still do. He says I am a great friend and that he has love for me, but why alway do this?

Do you think he will ever call me or text me? I need you help!!!!! please 


My response was:
Fashionfab, I definitely feel that you'll be hearing from him again.  However -- right now, he is just way too immature to give you the kind of treatment that you want.  I know that you care about him, but his games & rejection are intended to make YOU always feel like you have something to prove to him -- yet he's the one who needs to grow up and STEP up!  He has control of this situation & he knows it.  In order to get it back, stop being the one to initiate texts.  If he wants you, make him work for it. :)  And if he wants friendship, that's fine too, but same rules apply because he needs to learn to treat you with respect. 

Albert J. Bernstein's "Narcissistic Vampire" Checklist

A friend of mine forwarded this to me, and I found it very interesting.  Thought I would post it here to share with my readers.  Hope that you enjoy it -- and more importantly, learn something!  

THE SMARTEST, MOST TALENTED, ALL-AROUND BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TEST:
True or false? Score one point for each true answer. 

 1. THIS PERSON HAS ACHIEVED MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HIS OR HER AGE.

 2. THIS PERSON IS FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT HE OR SHE IS BETTER, SMARTER, OR MORE TALENTED THAN OTHER PEOPLE.

 3. THIS PERSON LOVES COMPETITION, BUT IS A POOR LOSER.

 4. THIS PERSON HAS FANTASIES OF DOING SOMETHING GREAT OR BEING FAMOUS, AND OFTEN EXPECTS TO BE TREATED AS IF THESE FANTASIES HAD ALREADY COME TRUE.

 5. THIS PERSON HAS VERY LITTLE INTEREST IN WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING OR FEELING, UNLESS HE OR SHE WANTS SOMETHING FROM THEM.

 6. THIS PERSON IS A NAME DROPPER.

 7. TO THIS PERSON IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LIVE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AND ASSOCIATE WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
 8. THIS PERSON TAKES ADVANTAGE OF OTHER PEOPLE TO ACHIEVE HIS OR HER OWN GOALS.

 9. THIS PERSON USUALLY MANAGES TO BE IN A CATEGORY BY HIM OR HERSELF.

10. THIS PERSON OFTEN FEELS PUT UPON WHEN ASKED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OR HER RESPONSIBILITIES TO FAMILY, FRIENDS, OR WORK GROUP.

11. THIS PERSON REGULARLY DISREGARDS RULES OR EXPECTS THEM TO BE CHANGED BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS IN SOME WAY SPECIAL.

 12. THIS PERSON BECOMES IRRITATED WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DON’T AUTOMATICALLY DO WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS THEM TO DO, EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR NOT COMPLYING.

13. THIS PERSON REVIEWS SPORTS, ART, AND LITERATURE BY TELLING YOU WHAT HE OR SHE WOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY INSTEAD.

14. THIS PERSON THINKS MOST CRITICISMS OF HIM OR HER ARE MOTIVATED BY JEALOUSY.

15. THIS PERSON REGARDS ANYTHING SHORT OF WORSHIP TO BE REJECTION.

16. THIS PERSON SUFFERS FROM A CONGENITAL INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE HIS OR HER OWN MISTAKES. ON THE RARE OCCASIONS THAT THIS PERSON DOES RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE, EVEN THE SLIGHTEST ERROR CAN PRECIPITATE A MAJOR DEPRESSION.

17. THIS PERSON OFTEN EXPLAINS WHY PEOPLE WHO ARE BETTER KNOWN THAN HE OR SHE IS NOT REALLY ALL THAT GREAT.

18. THIS PERSON OFTEN COMPLAINS OF BEING MISTREATED OR MISUNDERSTOOD.
19. PEOPLE EITHER LOVE OR HATE THIS PERSON.

20. DESPITE THIS PERSON’S OVERLY HIGH OPINION OF HIM OR HERSELF, HE OR SHE IS REALLY QUITE INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED.

Scoring: Five or more true answers qualifies the person as a Narcissistic Emotional Vampire, though not necessarily for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality. If the person scores higher than ten, and is not a member of the royal family, be careful that you aren’t mistaken for one of the servants.
By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.

Dealing With a Narcissist?

This is a term that we tend to throw around casually in ordinary conversation.  Most of us know that a narcissist is a needy, self-absorbed person who often uses others for his or her own ends.  But do you know the criteria for true narcissism?  Check the list below and see which of the following qualities fits the profile of the person on your mind.  If you can answer "yes" to 5 or more of the following, then chances are good that your subject may very well be a narcissist.  In the past, the going rate for narcissism was about 11% of the population.  However, some reports (such as this one and this one) state that the rise of narcissism is something of a new epidemic, with numbers as high as 30% among the younger population.  Interestingly enough, this narcissism isn't a good predictor of life success -- in fact, people with empathy and the ability to focus on others are often much more successful in life than their narcissistic counterparts.

The DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, as indicated by at least five of the following:
1. a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The Real Story Behind Lifetime's Movie, 'Obsessed'

Jenna Elfman plays Ellena Roberts in Obsessed.

Maybe a New Age blogger shouldn't necessarily post reviews or recommendations of movies, but I love what people call "bad" Lifetime movies!  Because so much of the counselling I do involves relationships, I find that something, no matter how small, can be learned from even the silliest plot.

Obsessed is one of my favorite Lifetime movies.  It was released in 2002 and stars Jenna Elfman as the sexy and lovely (but totally bonkers) Ellena Roberts, who stalks her victim-slash-love interest, Dr. David Stillman, a famous surgeon with a happy marriage and family.  Her obsession for this man eventually crosses the line from fantasy into a warped reality when Ellena's harrassment of Dr. Stillman becomes out of control.  Eventually, the harrassment evolves into criminal activity.  Ellena suffers from a form of mental illness called erotomania, wherein the patient truly believes that he or she is romantically involved with someone when in actuality, they are not involved.

Ellena has many tricks to stalk her doctor, including guile and manipulation, impersonation of friends and relatives, even getting jobs which grant her access to private information about Dr. Stillman and his family.  Her insanity is surpassed only by her intelligence and craftiness: during her harassment trial, a court-appointed analyst (played by Vlasta Vrana) pointed psychiatrist declared her to have "seven of the ten traits of an assassin."  This movie has lots of fascinating twists and turns of the plot, making it a riveting story.  It's a guilty pleasure, but it's too good to miss!

Fun fact:  This movie was based on a true story.  Diane Schaefer is the actual person on whom the character of Ellena Roberts was based.  Diane Schaefer stalked Dr. Murray Brennan, an oncologist from Sloan-Kettering Hospital in NYC for years before her conviction in 1990.  She was sentenced to 2 years in prison.  The lawyer who defended Schaefer, Joyce David, has put the movie-inspiring article on her website.

There is also a French movie called "À la Folie... Pas du Tout" (He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not) which features a similar plot.  I'm not sure if this is a remake or just coincidence.

You can also find out when Obsessed is playing on TV by going to its website on Lifetime.

So, who loves this movie?  Lifetime movies based on true stories are the best, and Obsessed is one of my personal faves!  Leave some comments below! :)

Are You Dealing With a Sociopath?

Approximately 1% to 4% of the population is afflicted with sociopathic tendencies.  These traits are often inherited, though can be treatable if detected early enough.  However, once a sociopath reaches adulthood, rehabilitation is difficult if not impossible.

Many people interchange terms like sociopath and psychopath.  There is a difference.  While sociopaths have predatory natures, and are often manipulative without guilt or remorse, this doesn't necessarily mean that they are all violent people.  Some may have violent tendencies, but only a very small percentage of violent sociopaths are serial killers.  It is more likely that the sociopath you'll deal with will be a con artist, liar, or master manipulator.  Sociopaths come in all walks of life, social classes, genders, and ages.  They blend into society with little or no effort, and are difficult to spot immediately.


Here are the traits of a sociopath as defined by Dr. Robert Hare, a well-known expert in criminal psychology.


Dr. Hare's Checklist (Sociopathic Traits)

1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and un empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

Toxic Friends: Identifying & Handling Them

In order to have the happiest, healthiest life, it's so important for us to do things that are good for ourselves.  Friendship is one of those important ingredients for a rich and happy life -- a good friendship can nurture our spirit, bring positivity and hope into our lives, and provide the support that we need to reach our goals and fulfill our dreams.  Friends can be comfort when we're sad, support when we're hesiant, advice when we're confused.  We confide in them, and seek out their wisdom when we need it.  And we also have the same responsibilities toward our friends; those of us who take friendship seriously will understand the importance of reciprocity.

Wouldn't it be great if people came with labels?
Fortunately, toxic people are easy to spot
once you learn those tell-tale signs of toxicity.

However, as we evolve throughout our lives, so do our relationships with other people.  Life changes will also transform us, the way we view life, and the way we handle various issues that surround us.  Sometimes, our experiences, our successes and failures -- or those of the other party -- can change a friendship dynamic.  It's important to reevaluate ties with people who may not always be good for us.  You may have someone in mind that you're in the process of reevaluating right now.  Try using my checklist to help you.  Does your friend match any of these descriptions?

The Comedian.  The first thing on the list is to think about your interaction with the friend in question.  Is he or she using sarcasm to insult or undermine your self-esteem, to belittle you or your goals?  This can be especially stinging if such remarks are followed up with "I'm just joking," allowing the "friend" to hurt your feelings, yet effectively taking away your right to defend yourself.  While some people will snap or become cranky if they're having a bad day, or they're on the defensive because of some workable issue, pay close attention to these types of remarks.  If your friend is habitually using sarcasm to put you down, this is a calling card of friendship toxicity.  How to handle it:  Remember that this person is putting you down because of their own issues.  Or, perhaps there are some unhappy goings-on in the friend's life at the present time.  Wait it out and see what happens, but in the meantime, keep your shields up.  If things don't improve after a reasonable amount of time, it may be time to cut your losses.

The Rubber Neck.  In everyone's life, something bad will happen from time to time -- unemployment, serious illness, personal crisis.  Some friends will roll up their sleeves and do what they can to help you, even if it's just being there to lend an ear.  However, be aware of certain "tells" that the friend is behaving in a less-than-friendly manner.  One is that your friend may ask benign, yet rather nosey personal questions.  Perhaps you're trying to move on with your life and get things back to a place where you'd like it to be, yet your friend seems to only view you in relation to your crisis.  A friend who sits back and observes you as if they're watching a bad Lifetime movie or a really bad car accident -- someone who sees you only as some type of drama-fest to enjoy -- yet doesn't offer much in the way of help, is definitely toxic.  How to handle it:  This friend is not intentionally malicious, but nevertheless, it can be a frustrating situation.  It's best to keep the dirty details of your crises to yourself (or share with a truly supportive friend); keep contact with this person short and sweet.  If you need to take a break until you've moved on with your life a bit more, that's also understandable.  Maybe you won't be so interesting to the other person once you've put yourself in a better place.  Oh well.

The Pouting Princess.  I've written a few articles on emotional vampires, and the Pouting Princess is definitely an EV's close cousin!  To paraphrase, these are the sorts of people who are ridiculously needy and high-maintenance.  They may try to control or possess as much of your time as they can.  They may be jealous of the time you spend with others.  Or, perhaps they're just way too needy and clingy.  He or she may suck all the fun out of the room on the moment of entry, and you feel drained just thinking about him or her.  How to handle it:  Either "dump" them officially, or better yet, gradually try to fade away -- however you decide to handle it, by all means let them go.  Friendship is a give and take which should benefit both parties.  However, I did say give and take -- on both ends.  You doing all the giving, and them doing all the taking is not what I'd call healthy!

The Leech.  This is an easy one to spot: This is the type of friend who rarely or never has anything nice to say about you.  However, when you're needed for something, this person may manipulate you or take advantage of your good nature.  He or she may only be available when it's convenient for him or her, or when you are needed to bail him or her out.  There may also be some added drama and attempts to suck you into it. Clearly this is someone who's just out to use other people and cause chaos.  You rarely get "thank you" for helping out -- instead, you get "What else can you do for me?"  How to handle it:  Understand that this person is using you.  It's probably better if you just cut this person out of your life; but if you absolutely must deal with them, make sure to draw those boundaries firmly, and don't allow breaches.  And, like the vampire above, if you're noticing that the friendship isn't quite balancing out, head for the door and don't come back until this person is gone.

Remember that when you're faced with people who behave as I have described, you will eventually be faced with a three-fold choice.  

1.  Continue the friendship as it is, misery and all!

2.  Try working things out -- be honest about what's bothering you.

3.  End the friendship, either immediately or gradually.

Whatever happens, remember to trust your instincts.  You and the other person may have a shared past with one another, but that past just might not translate into a present or future.  Sometimes, people grow in different directions.  If you are not able to salvage the rifts in the friendship, it may be time to move on and set yourself (and the other party) free to pursue relationships which are more fulfilling.