The Ten Traits of an Assassin

Jenna Elfman plays Ellena Roberts in
the 2002 Lifetime movie, Obsessed.

In one of my favorite Lifetime movies, Obsessed, from 2002, Jenna Elfman plays a character by the name of Ellena Roberts who is infatuated with a well-known surgeon.  When her infatuation crosses the line from fantasy into reality -- in the form of Ellena harrassing Dr. David Stillman and his family -- her behavior becomes criminal.  One of the reasons that I love this movie so much is because so much of the plot is ambiguous, leaving the viewer to wonder just what the initial nature of their relationship was, and exactly what the hell was going on in Ellena's head?  The way that Ellena views the world is also very different than reality: colors are a bit more vivid while the "focus" is more fluid and romantic, as opposed to the hard matter-of-fact point of view as voiced by her victim, Dr. Stillman.  While a lot of the dialogue may be overdramatic and lacking credibility (such as Vlasta Vrana's psychiatrist character declaring that Ellena Roberts has "seven of the ten traits of an assassin"), the story's interesting twists and various plot devices makes this movie a guilty pleasure that you can really sink your teeth into. 

Like many people, I couldn't help but search the internet to find out the real traits of an assassin.  Unfortunately, it would seem that the writers of this classic have invented such criteria.  What might they look like?  Here's my list:

1.  Lack of conscience.  This has got to be the number-one requirement in traits of an assassin.  If the subject feels the least amount of remorse, it will be difficult to carry out destructive tasks.  Regret should rarely occur, and when it does, can be easily replaced with delusions and rationalizations.

2.  Cunning.  An assassin must be able to "think outside the box" and determine as many methods as possible toward achieving the final outcome.  Unconventional or unusual ways of looking at the world -- or clever ways of acquiring and applying knowledge -- is an advantage to the assassin.

3.  Versatility.  The ability to use many tools in order to get the job done is vital, so the subject should be able to learn quickly and adapt to new surroundings.  Assassins will also treat other people as useful tools in order to complete their work.

4.  Charm and glibness.  Because assassins often need to infiltrate their prey's surroundings in order to get the job done, the assassin must have extra-special powers of persuasion.  Knowing how to manipulate other people will go a long way toward completing their malicious goals.

5.  Pathological tendencies.  It's a lot easier to be a mercenary of any sort if you're more able to justify your nefarious actions.  Assassins never feel remorse, and in fact, may have an "avenging angel" complex.

6.  Risk taking.  Someone with assassin tendencies will naturally be duplicitous and have no problems with treacherous or tricky scenarios.  He or she can easily adapt to treacherous conditions, and may even enjoy the thrill of dangerous situations.

7.  Restlessness.  An assassin doesn't like to sit still for long.  Someone who is truly cold-blooded or devious very likely craves drama and excitement.  Any adrenaline junkie will tell you that once you've experienced a rush like this, it's hard to stop looking for thrills.

8.  Untrustworthy.  An assassin will do or say anything to gain access to their prey's demise.  Lies come easily.  Cheating, stealing, and lying -- all destructive acts -- come easy to the assassin, especially if there is something to be gained from them.

9.  Chaotic life.  Problems may abound for an assassin, who has difficulty understanding and respecting the boundaries of others.  This type of poor judgement often manifests in chaos and drama of his or her own making.

10.  Nothing to lose.  While this trait may appear to contradict the previous one, you must get inside the mind of an assassin to truly understand. A person like this may have fragile (if any) real connections to anyone or anything, and can easily abandon those connections if it's advantageous of him or her to do so.

Because Ellena didn't actually perform any violent acts in the movie, it would seem that her crimes (at least the ones that she committed) were more of the emotional variety.  I would classify her as more of an emotional vampire than an assassin.  However, many of the traits above do seem to describe her character.

This movie was based on a true story, about a woman named Diane Schaefer who stalked an oncologist in New York for many years.  She was eventually sentenced to 2 years in prison during the 1990s.

Photo Credit:  Thanks to Greg Hernandez who made this photo available under a Creative Commons license.  (It has been altered, the original can be found here.)  I appreciate it, and I'm sure so do those who have come here searching for the 10 traits of an assassin! :)

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships Video

For those of you who are following my series on healthy boundaries, I have created this video as a companion piece to the first article.  In this video, the concept of boundaries is explored and further defined.  You will also learn the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy ones, as well as to determine if your boundaries are too rigid or too loose.

Also, remember that the most important thing about boundaries is that they help keep you safe.  No one can set or enforce those boundaries but YOU.  Protect yourself -- LOVE yourself -- you deserve it!

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships

Having strong but reasonable personal boundaries can be the cornerstone of having healthy, positive relationships with other people. Conversely, having unhealthy or weak boundaries can contribute to negative relationships. Through the creation of healthy and clear personal boundaries, we are establishing important parts of our identity and showing others what we're actually about. In order for this to happen, it's vital to understand what everyone needs, as well as what the rights and feelings are of everyone involved -- including yourself.

Everyone has a story. We all come from somewhere. While our backgrounds can be very different, it can be said that those of us who come from a dysfunctional environment often have less exposure to boundaries that are healthy and reasonable. Learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a vital part of being a healthy, well-cetnered individual. Creating these boundaries begins with addressing other issues, such as cultivating a higher self-image and to combat apathy. We must learn how to recognize and address our own personal rights and needs. Another important step is to take care of ourselves, within the scope of our rights and what's best for us, especially in the context of interpersonal relationships. These things may take time to get just right, but over time, when we develop a healthier outlook for ourselves, our newly established boundaries will help to keep us safe and well-protected, possibly quite unlike our childhood experiences.

Are boundaries emotional? Or can they be tangible, like a fence in your backyard? The answer is both. Physical boundaries are defined by how close we allow someone to get to us, and by whom we allow to touch us physically, as well as where and under what circumstances we allow it. Boundaries of the emotional type have more to do with how we allow our feelings to be affected by others. Emotional boundaries center around our abilities to take responsibility for our own emotional needs, as well as allowing others to be responsible for their own. Our own boundaries will sometime challenge us, but they also define who we are and what we expect out of relationships. Can we refuse an unreasonable request that we're asked? Do we feel uncomfortable just by being around someone else who is feeling upset? Do our opinions change depending on the people whose company we keep? Do we take responsibility for others' feelings, going too far to please them, while neglecting our own needs? All of these issues will depend on whether or not our emotional boundaries are healthy.

Both sets of boundaries, our emotional and physical ones, determine how we behave toward and with other people, as well as how we allow them to behave toward us. If we did not have personal boundaries, other people would be able to do whatever they wanted with us: touch or treat our possessions or even our bodies in any way they wanted. Additionally, we would be obligated to take responsibility for other people's negative or inappropriate actions, to treat other people's problems as though they were our responsibility to prevent, address, or even solve. Basically, we would have no rights, and every aspect of our lives would be impossible for us to control.

While loose boundaries are often problematic, so are boundaries which are too tough or unyielding. People who live by strict and rigid personal boundaries are likely to push other people out of their lives. They will generally not ask for help when they need it, and they don't allow others inside. These people are often perceived as cold and emotionless, because they rarely display emotions or talk about how they might feel. On the flip side, people with overly loose boundaries will touch people inappropriately, even people that they may not know very well. Those with loose boundaries might have trouble telling the difference between sex and love, and they may get too close to other people much too quickly.

There are also people who have healthy boundaries. They tend to be the most well-balanced, and do much better with social interactions than those who have issues with their boundaries. While they are able to enjoy closeness with those who are special to them, and to accept help when they are truly in need of it, they also respect other people's rights, feelings, and positions. They also take responsibility for their own actions, and allow others to do the same. People with healthy boundaries are more able to compromise, to understand other people's feelings, and they generally have better self-esteem than those with unhealthy boundaries. Often, they are more comfortable with themselves, and also more able to make others feel good around them. Because they respect themselves and also the boundaries of other people, they can enjoy much richer and more fulfilling relationships with other people who respect their boundaries.

What about people who have boundaries that are less than healthy? Well, if yours need a bit of work, you can always improve them. While it may seem scary or uncomfortable at first when you start, remember that this is a vital part in taking care of yourself, and protecting yourself in a way that only you can do. Many people who grew up in dysfunctional, or even abusive, situations have developed survival skills which have hindered the development of healthy boundaries. For example, you may have trouble expressing anger, fear, or other unpleasant emotions, because it may not have been acceptable in the environment in which you were raised, even if the abusive actions of others were what caused the pain or anger. Therefore, in adulthood, it may be uncomfortable and difficult to construct healthy boundaries because of the past, however it is possible for you to work through those emotions and establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself. It won't happen overnight, and may take some time to get right, but it's never too late to start. And even small improvements can help you to live a happier, healhier, and richer life.

Cheaters Beware, We're Onto You

As a professional psychic, one of the most common questions I'm asked each day is "Is s/he cheating on me?"  In fact, I am usually asked such a question at least twice every day.  Each situation is different; sometimes the person in question sparks a definitive yes or no inside me, but most answers are more complicated than that.  A lot of times, I'm able to pick up on the feelings of the seeker's partner of intent to cheat, especially because many people will think about it, talk about it with others, or go looking for it long before they actually commit the deed.

It is with this spirit that I present you with a new video designed to help you see the signs of whether or not your significant other is cheating.  Many of these signs have been cited by relationship experts, and shared with me by friends and clients.  As someone who has been in a relationship with an unfaithful partner, I can personally vouch for every one of these -- but remember, your mileage may vary.  Every situation will have its own unique quantifiers, so remember to get proof before deciding to take the next steps.

The Fourteen Traits of a Serial Killer

My article on emotional vampires is one of the most commonly visited sections on this website.  Because I do specialize in relationships of all types -- romantic ones, family dynamics, friendships, and even workplace dynamics -- I am often consulted when someone is seeking answers about another person's mental stability.  Often people ask me if a friend or loved one might be dangerous or violent when angered or stressed.  (Regardless of my impressions of such people, I would always advise anyone to err on the side of caution if they even need to ask this question!)

Recently, I came across a documentary about such acts which caused me to wonder about how dangerous or violent people interact, undetected by most, with the public at large.  What makes someone commit such crimes against humanity?  How is such a person made (or born)?  While most emotional vampires are not murderers, and most abusers are not serial killers, a lot of the traits below are pretty major red flags.  I thought that this information would be interesting to my readers.

Traits of a Serial Killer:

1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male. 

2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.

3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.

4. They tend to come from markedly unstable families.

5. As children, they are abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers.

6. Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories.

7. They hate their fathers and mothers.

8. They are commonly abused as children — psychologically, physically and sexually. Often the abuse is by a family member.

9. Many serial killers spend time in institutions as children and have records of early psychiatric problems.

10. They have high rates of suicide attempts.

11. From an early age, many are intensely interested in voyeurism, fetishism, and sado-masochistic pornography.

12. More than 60 percent of serial killers wet their beds beyond the age of 12.

13. Many serial killers are fascinated with fire starting.

14. They are involved with sadistic activity or tormenting small creatures.


Source: Internal Association of Forensic Science, an article written by FBI Special Agent Robert K. Ressler

Healing Words For a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

Recently I was asked to give someone an update on a friend who hadn't been seen in a year, though who certainly hadn't been forgotten.  My impressions on this subject were that the person in question wasn't so good for this querent to begin with, and that there was quite a lot of secret dealings going on without her knowledge or understanding.

In life, we meet all sorts of different people.  As the saying goes, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."  Sometimes, a relationship is born with an expiration date... these relationships can change you for the better or for the worse.  If it's for the better, accept it and enjoy all of the good things that knowing this person has yielded.  Pass along the positivity to others.

Sometimes, however, people can come into our lives, and before we know it, things have turned to chaos.  Not everyone that we meet is going to enrich our lives in the same way.  But even the people that cross our paths who change us for the worse can be viewed as a blessing.  In the short term, an unpleasant person may have stripped away something important from us, or something that we think is important, but in the end, we are left with the freedom to rebuild.  This realization alone can help so much with putting a bad relationship into perspective, being grateful for the thing that we do have, an reprioritizing as we learn what truly is meaningful in our lives.  Such endings give us room to improve and rebuild in ways that we never would have done without such interference.  It may be difficult to believe that such hardships are actually blessings, but hardship can often make people stronger and better in the long run, as well as help people to appreciate all of the good things in life that they still have close to them.

Photo credits:
Thanks to SashaW for her lovely haunting photo, and to CarbonNYC for the gorgeous broken heart pic!

Emotional Vampires: How to Protect Yourself

We've already discussed how to spot an emotional vampire elsewhere in the blog.  This entry will be about ways to protect yourself.

EV's are similar to the vampires of myth in that they feed on people, victimize others, draining them in order to gain strength.  And like the glamorous Hollywood and literary vampires that are deeply ingrained in our popular culture, often they seduce with beauty, impress with real or imagined abilities, gain our trust or sympathy before victimizing us.  But that's where the similarities end.  Unlike the glamorous vampires of legend, these people are really very ordinary.  They don't seek our blood, but our lives, our life forces, our happiness.  Unfortunately, no amount of happiness will satisfy them --You can render them powerless -- not with garlic or crosses.

First, you need to realize what an emotional vampire is.  This is a person who may be intentionally using you, or just "leeching" off of your positivity, or just using you for the benefits of your friendship.  Often, they do not care much about you, instead focusing on their own needs and impulses; respect for you comes later (much later!), if at all.  But not all EV's realize that they're doing this or that they are acting inappropriately.  Some of them are just unstable people who really have no idea how destructive their interactions with people are.  You need to realize that much emotional vampirism is done unintentionally.  This fact alone will help you protect yourself.

Here are a few other tips...

1.  Spot the vampire.  The best defense is a good offense.  Check my entry for how to determine if someone is an emotional vampire.  Knowing the signs will be a huge help to avoiding these sorts of people in the first place!

2.  "You're not invited into this house!"  Like the vampires of legend, EV's are powerless without an invitation to dine on your good intentions.  Don't be afraid to say NO when someone is taking up too much of your time, or asking for favors that make you feel uncomfortable.  Most people know when they are asking for too much.  An EV does not.  Draw your boundaries and stick to your guns.  Save your good nature for people who care for you and will have your back when things get problematic for you.

3.  Minimize contact, control information.  If you must deal with these people, remember that your life is your business.  Handle all personal information on a "need to know" basis.  You don't need to be paranoid; just choose to share with those you trust.  You don't need to behave rudely about it, either, just avoid sharing (or oversharing) any sensitive information.  Try to spend as little time and energy on an EV as possible.  Save the best parts of yourself for the healthy relationships in your life!

4.  The power of positivity.  This WILL help you!  During times when you must deal with an EV, prepare yourself with a "bubble" of positivity.  Meditate and imagine an impenetrable bubble around yourself like an invisible force field.  Imagine that the bubble is flexible and moves with you, but is filled up with a "padding" of positive vibrations.  Imagine that the EV cannot get through your special bubble. Nothing that he or she does can touch you inside the bubble -- this visualization is a very powerful one, and can work in many situations where you need extra protection!

5.  Lastly, realize that an EV is beyond help.  You may be made to feel as though you are the only one who can make them "happy," but the truth is that nothing will ever be enough for them.  And, long after you are a distant memory left to clean up the destruction they have left in their wake, the EV will have moved onto another victim who then becomes their "perfect" savior.  The best you can do is to realize that s/he is someone else's problem now.  Don't allow them back into your life!

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/denise-ann-wells/4056289129/sizes/m/ (Thank you Denise!)

Emotional Vampires: How to Spot Them

Fortunately, most people are generally good souls.  But every once in awhile, you may run across someone who makes you feel like things "just aren't right."  You may be dealing with an emotional vampire.

Here are ways to determine whether or not you're dealing with an emotional vampire...

1.  Your gut tells you that something is different about this person.  Trust your intuition; it's been given to you for a reason.  If someone gives you chills, or a negative feeling, you can't ignore those things.  If you feel a certain sense of dread when you're in the presence of the potential emotional vampire, or are reluctant to be around this person, you must heed those warning signs.  Even if this is someone close to you, keep yourself open to this possibility.

2.  Determine how this person's interactions make you feel.  Does this person bring you up, as a supportive friend would, or drag you down?  Is the person negative, always dwelling on things that are upsetting to you or to them?  Do you feel as though a dark cloud has come over you when speaking to them or interacting with them?  No matter how positive your outlook before speaking to the person... do you feel negative or bad when they're around?  Do they always bring ANY conversation back to something negative?  If the answer to these questions is yes, you're likely dealing with an emotional vampire.

3.  Determine the frequency, timing, and nature of contact.  Does this person always seem to bother you over small things when you have your own issues to deal with?  (I'm not talking about a normal, healthy friendship where everything is a give-and-take; I am talking about a relationship where you give, and give, and are expected to give some more.)  Does the person accept help or other things from you gladly, even extolling your virtues, but then seems to "disappear" or fill him/herself with excuses when your time of need arises?  Or, worse yet, does this person seem to "kick you when you're down"? Even if they are not an emotional vampire... this type of behavior is unacceptable.

4.  Discern your own feelings before and after contact.  Do you feel drained of energy or positivity when your interaction with this person is over?  Do you feel as though you've nothing left?  It is especially important to figure out how you're feeling before the contact, and then assess your status post-contact.  We all have our good days and bad days... but if there's a pattern to this draining/feeding process (especially if you can determine it over time)... you need to pay attention to this pattern of victimization.

Fortunately, there are ways to protect yourself against emotional vampires.  Check my blog for more information for help in how to deal with them!