Healthy Boundaries: Getting There

Now that we've discussed the basics of boundaries which are unhealthy for being too loose or too rigid -- and the importance of having healthy boundaries for their positive impact on your self-esteem and your relationships with others, let's learn how to establish those boundaries with others.


Step 1. What do you need?  Sit down and really figure out what you need in a relationship. What makes you feel respected? What makes you feel uncomfortable? Determine what your own personal needs, wants, and rights are. Establish boundaries based on what you think is reasonable. Remember that your rights and needs should be separate entities in and of themselves, and that your rights should end where those of others begin.

Step 2.  Discuss these boundaries with others. State your case clearly, and in with a neutral but firm attitude. Don't speak angrily or in a long-winded way. Just keep it clear and concise. You do not need to apologize for, rationalize, or argue while establishing this boundary. Be firm and respectful.

Step 3.  Remember why you're setting this boundary. If you expect people to understand and respect your needs, you must also understand that their reactions to this may be negative, especially if they are used to behaving in ways that are contrary to these boundaries. Don't apologize for protecting yourself. Don't feel selfish or guilty, just stand by your decision and remind yourself why you need your rights and needs to be respected by those who should care about you. This is a normal, natural and healthy part of the process. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but things will get easier with time.

Step 4.  Prepare yourself for the possibility of being tested. Most people will understand your feelings and respect them, but there might be people in your life who will not respect these boundaries. Others might accuse you of being selfish or mean for denying their unreasonable requests. But nevertheless, if their behavior is unacceptable to you, you must be confident and assert yourself. You cannot set a boundary and then apologize or rationalize it to others -- this sends a mixed message which might enable others to take advantage later. You can be respectful of the fact that some may not agree with your boundaries, but stay true to yourself. You have the right to be treated with respect. If people still don't respect your boundaries, you may have to put distance between yourself and them, possibly end the relationship or even pursue legal options if the other person still doesn't respect your rights.

Step 5. Establish a support system. This should be made up of people who do care about you, and who are willing to respect your boundaries. Healthy relationships with friends, family, and other people whose jobs are to care for you will make you stronger and more confident in yourself. Eliminate disrespectful, controlling, or abusive people from your life. Make more room for relationships with people who are caring and respectful.

Step 6.  Grow and evolve.  These changes may be uncomfortable or even scary for you at first.  But just keep in mind that you're doing this to improve the overall quality of your life, so some unpleasant backlash may be necessary for this growth.  Protecting yourself with healthy boundaries can enhance your relationships, boost your self-confidence, and radiate outward to inspire other positive changes in your life as well.

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships Video

For those of you who are following my series on healthy boundaries, I have created this video as a companion piece to the first article.  In this video, the concept of boundaries is explored and further defined.  You will also learn the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy ones, as well as to determine if your boundaries are too rigid or too loose.

Also, remember that the most important thing about boundaries is that they help keep you safe.  No one can set or enforce those boundaries but YOU.  Protect yourself -- LOVE yourself -- you deserve it!

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships

Having strong but reasonable personal boundaries can be the cornerstone of having healthy, positive relationships with other people. Conversely, having unhealthy or weak boundaries can contribute to negative relationships. Through the creation of healthy and clear personal boundaries, we are establishing important parts of our identity and showing others what we're actually about. In order for this to happen, it's vital to understand what everyone needs, as well as what the rights and feelings are of everyone involved -- including yourself.

Everyone has a story. We all come from somewhere. While our backgrounds can be very different, it can be said that those of us who come from a dysfunctional environment often have less exposure to boundaries that are healthy and reasonable. Learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a vital part of being a healthy, well-cetnered individual. Creating these boundaries begins with addressing other issues, such as cultivating a higher self-image and to combat apathy. We must learn how to recognize and address our own personal rights and needs. Another important step is to take care of ourselves, within the scope of our rights and what's best for us, especially in the context of interpersonal relationships. These things may take time to get just right, but over time, when we develop a healthier outlook for ourselves, our newly established boundaries will help to keep us safe and well-protected, possibly quite unlike our childhood experiences.

Are boundaries emotional? Or can they be tangible, like a fence in your backyard? The answer is both. Physical boundaries are defined by how close we allow someone to get to us, and by whom we allow to touch us physically, as well as where and under what circumstances we allow it. Boundaries of the emotional type have more to do with how we allow our feelings to be affected by others. Emotional boundaries center around our abilities to take responsibility for our own emotional needs, as well as allowing others to be responsible for their own. Our own boundaries will sometime challenge us, but they also define who we are and what we expect out of relationships. Can we refuse an unreasonable request that we're asked? Do we feel uncomfortable just by being around someone else who is feeling upset? Do our opinions change depending on the people whose company we keep? Do we take responsibility for others' feelings, going too far to please them, while neglecting our own needs? All of these issues will depend on whether or not our emotional boundaries are healthy.

Both sets of boundaries, our emotional and physical ones, determine how we behave toward and with other people, as well as how we allow them to behave toward us. If we did not have personal boundaries, other people would be able to do whatever they wanted with us: touch or treat our possessions or even our bodies in any way they wanted. Additionally, we would be obligated to take responsibility for other people's negative or inappropriate actions, to treat other people's problems as though they were our responsibility to prevent, address, or even solve. Basically, we would have no rights, and every aspect of our lives would be impossible for us to control.

While loose boundaries are often problematic, so are boundaries which are too tough or unyielding. People who live by strict and rigid personal boundaries are likely to push other people out of their lives. They will generally not ask for help when they need it, and they don't allow others inside. These people are often perceived as cold and emotionless, because they rarely display emotions or talk about how they might feel. On the flip side, people with overly loose boundaries will touch people inappropriately, even people that they may not know very well. Those with loose boundaries might have trouble telling the difference between sex and love, and they may get too close to other people much too quickly.

There are also people who have healthy boundaries. They tend to be the most well-balanced, and do much better with social interactions than those who have issues with their boundaries. While they are able to enjoy closeness with those who are special to them, and to accept help when they are truly in need of it, they also respect other people's rights, feelings, and positions. They also take responsibility for their own actions, and allow others to do the same. People with healthy boundaries are more able to compromise, to understand other people's feelings, and they generally have better self-esteem than those with unhealthy boundaries. Often, they are more comfortable with themselves, and also more able to make others feel good around them. Because they respect themselves and also the boundaries of other people, they can enjoy much richer and more fulfilling relationships with other people who respect their boundaries.

What about people who have boundaries that are less than healthy? Well, if yours need a bit of work, you can always improve them. While it may seem scary or uncomfortable at first when you start, remember that this is a vital part in taking care of yourself, and protecting yourself in a way that only you can do. Many people who grew up in dysfunctional, or even abusive, situations have developed survival skills which have hindered the development of healthy boundaries. For example, you may have trouble expressing anger, fear, or other unpleasant emotions, because it may not have been acceptable in the environment in which you were raised, even if the abusive actions of others were what caused the pain or anger. Therefore, in adulthood, it may be uncomfortable and difficult to construct healthy boundaries because of the past, however it is possible for you to work through those emotions and establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself. It won't happen overnight, and may take some time to get right, but it's never too late to start. And even small improvements can help you to live a happier, healhier, and richer life.

Does He Like Me? How to Tell if a Guy Loves You

I know... it sounds like the title of some article you'd read in a teen magazine, right? :)

As a psychic, this is HANDS-DOWN one of the questions that I am asked most often.  It usually goes a little something like this... "How does he REALLY feel about me?"  Whether it's a man that my client is dating, the hot guy next door who acts a bit flirty, or the shy but sweet guy at work, one thing is for sure: If a guy is really interested in you, you will know!  But sometimes it's hard to figure out the signs.  You can call me and ask if you like -- or any psychic -- a good one can help you determine if a man is interested in you.  However, for those of us who are more practical, you can also try using my simple checklist.  And if you know a woman who's not quite sure of the signs, feel free to forward this article to her, or give her the link to my YouTube video on this subject. ;)

Here's how to tell if a guy likes you, or how to know if he's falling in love with you:

#1. He's Most Interested In You.   If he's supposed to be paying attention to something else, but instead he's watching you and smiling... it's a good sign!

#2. He Takes Care of You.   He cares for your practical needs; like feeding you if you're hungry, warming you if you're cold. It may be to impress you; but also shows he really cares for your well-being.

#3. He Talks With You... (A Lot!)   Guys don't usually like having long personal discussions. If he's investing hours of time just talking with you, it means that he enjoys spending time in your presence.

#4. He Notices the Little Things.   Someone who's only attracted physically won't notice small details about you; a guy in love will! He might also ask specific questions about your life, or remember small things that you've mentioned in the past.

#5. He Cares About Your Opinion.  If there's something significant happening in his life, he'll ask for your take on the matter. This may mean that he respects you and also wants to take your feelings into consideration.

The Fourteen Traits of a Serial Killer

My article on emotional vampires is one of the most commonly visited sections on this website.  Because I do specialize in relationships of all types -- romantic ones, family dynamics, friendships, and even workplace dynamics -- I am often consulted when someone is seeking answers about another person's mental stability.  Often people ask me if a friend or loved one might be dangerous or violent when angered or stressed.  (Regardless of my impressions of such people, I would always advise anyone to err on the side of caution if they even need to ask this question!)

Recently, I came across a documentary about such acts which caused me to wonder about how dangerous or violent people interact, undetected by most, with the public at large.  What makes someone commit such crimes against humanity?  How is such a person made (or born)?  While most emotional vampires are not murderers, and most abusers are not serial killers, a lot of the traits below are pretty major red flags.  I thought that this information would be interesting to my readers.

Traits of a Serial Killer:

1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male. 

2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range.

3. They do poorly in school, have trouble holding down jobs, and often work as unskilled laborers.

4. They tend to come from markedly unstable families.

5. As children, they are abandoned by their fathers and raised by domineering mothers.

6. Their families often have criminal, psychiatric and alcoholic histories.

7. They hate their fathers and mothers.

8. They are commonly abused as children — psychologically, physically and sexually. Often the abuse is by a family member.

9. Many serial killers spend time in institutions as children and have records of early psychiatric problems.

10. They have high rates of suicide attempts.

11. From an early age, many are intensely interested in voyeurism, fetishism, and sado-masochistic pornography.

12. More than 60 percent of serial killers wet their beds beyond the age of 12.

13. Many serial killers are fascinated with fire starting.

14. They are involved with sadistic activity or tormenting small creatures.


Source: Internal Association of Forensic Science, an article written by FBI Special Agent Robert K. Ressler