Thursday, June 21, 2012

When Will He Call Me? Why Isn't He Calling?

As a professional psychic and spiritual life coach, I am contacted almost daily by women who ask me heartbreaking questions: "Why won't he call me? When will he contact me again?" It's often about someone who may have shared only a brief connection with her, such as a man that she has recently met. However, this question is asked about an ex with whom she shared her life, someone of whom she has trouble letting go. I can always sense the pain and wistful sorrow of someone who needs the answer to this question. And, while sometimes I can see the man in question picking up the phone or running into the querent again sometime in the future, very often I don't sense any pending form of contact. It kills me to tell her that the phone won't be ringing anytime soon, but I do have to be honest in situations like that, no matter how hard it is for her to hear the truth.

Why, then, would someone be hung up on this lack of communication? Some women will hold out the hope of a love who will return for weeks, months, or even years. I've heard from quite a few who are unable to move on with their lives, always in limbo, always waiting for him. If you're waiting for contact from someone where none seems to be forthcoming, please know that there are millions of people out there who feel your pain, and have gone through it before. There are many reasons why the contact won't come. Often, it is best to acknowledge these reasons so that you can move on with your own life. Here are a few of the most common realities that we may need to understand:  the reality of these reasons can be harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts!

1. He has already moved on with his life -- or wants to. In each relationship, there is always one person who is able to carry onward faster and easier than the other. Both people may be able to do it with relative ease, but someone always has to be "first" with that. Perhaps, in your case, he simply requires less grieving time. Or in the reverse, maybe he'd rather not re-open old wounds which he is struggling to heal. At any rate, calling you would seem counter productive in this case; he may still care for you, however contact with you is simply not on the list of things to do if he'd like to heal and get on with the business of living.

2. He is afraid. If the relationship ended on bad terms regardless of who is at fault, perhaps he realizes that there is still a lot of anger, bitterness, or resentment. Since the relationship is over, he doesn't see a need to call and rehash old issues that have already been set in stone. This is especially true if he was the cause of this break in your relationship. Think of it this way: If you hurt or betrayed someone, would you really want to contact them again just to see how they're doing? Females are more often inclined to answer this question with a "yes," because we tend to need closure and approval in ways that men do not. Many males would simply prefer to avoid any further messiness once they've been spattered with a bit of someone else's emotions. And if you're already broken up, he just doesn't see the point in putting himself through the emotional wringer again.

3. He is angry or hurt. If you were the one who initiated the argument or breakup, you can bet that his ego will be smarting for some time to come. There may be some residual annoyance, resentment, or embarrassment left over from the break. This type of wounded pride will produce a great deal of reluctance to speak with you again. Even the strongest people are capable of succumbing to such vulnerabilities. If he was the person who initiated the breakup, he may still be harboring pain or resentment, in which case, he is simply not interested in rekindling any sort of communication with you.

4. He has other irons in the fire. Regardless of whether he's moved on from you with ease, or is still secretly pining away, it is entirely possible that he has found someone new. Perhaps he's deeply in love with this new person, perhaps he's just found someone fun with whom he can enjoy whiling away some time. Either way, if a man is getting his needs met by another woman, then it's very likely that he just doesn't feel a need to speak with you anymore. Or, even if he is a more sensitive type who does still care for you -- or even still holds a torch for you -- if he's with a new woman, communicating with you would be inappropriate. After all, would you be OK with your new lover calling his ex on a regular basis?

5. He is waiting to hear from you. We've already discussed cases where the anger, resentment, or rejection are serious enough to keep him away. But in some of those cases, your ex might be hoping that you're the one to initiate contact. If he's afraid of your anger, picking up the phone to say "No hard feelings," would be a step in the right direction. If he's still hurting or carrying his own resentment about the breakup, he may still be silently hoping for some type of closure. In a case like that, perhaps a well-written letter or email would assist him in making this transition.

No matter why the relationship ended, or how the other party is feeling, you must remember that not all people are meant to be permanent fixtures in our lives. Sometimes when fate brings people into one another's lives, they are destined to spend only a finite amount of time together. The most important thing is to enjoy those who love you for as long as they are near, and to accept a parting of the ways with grace and dignity. A new love may be just around the corner; if you focus too much on your past, you may very well miss the wonderful opportunities that will present themselves to you in the future.

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