A Sexy Online Encounter

This is an "oldie but goodie" that I remember seeing a long time ago, yet it was recently forwarded to me again.  It's as hysterical now as it was years ago!  Enjoy!

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Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
 
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. 
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

Feel Better NOW: Boost Your Self-Esteem Instantly

Feeling down on yourself?  Instead of succumbing to those "blah" days (or years), reclaim your life by strengthening your self-esteem.  Here are a few tricks to get you started; trust me, these will work wonders on giving yourself the internal makeover that you need to feel lovely.

You've probably already heard that old tip about taking stock of things you're grateful for, or things that are good about you.  This is a fabulous tip, and it's always good to remember that you have some good qualities.  But instead of just taking stock of the good, how about also composing a list of things you'd like to change or improve?  Be kind, and constructive, but real.  Acknowledging the weaker points in your life and addressing them can help you make improvements.

When you've made your list, be real with yourself about starting to improve these things.  Even if you just stick to your guns for a day or two, revel in the fact that you have the power to change!  You are taking control of your life and working to get to a goal.  Enjoy that.  The journey is just as important as the destination, so savor each part of your process.

Use other people, but "in a good way."  You have a lot to offer other people.  Give freely of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help once in awhile as well.  We've all been put in one anothers' paths to give generously and to receive graciously.  You may not always get what you want, but it never hurts to ask.  

Treat others with respect, and make everyone around you feel important.  This will ensure that you're treated largely the same way.  If those around you do not respect you in return, it may be time to reevaluate yourself as well as your relationships with others.

Be driven in your efforts to improve, but forgive yourself any setbacks.  Just stick to it!

Having an Awesome Life: Lesson #1, Positivity

I have decided to dedicate 2013 to helping my readers improve themselves in a more general way.  Are you ready to have an awesome life?  Ready to enjoy each moment and live life to the fullest?  Then this is the series for you!  If you've tried all kinds of ways to improve the life you have, read on... you may find the answers you seek in my "Having an Awesome Life" series. :)

Let's start this year off on the best possible foot!  January's step toward a more awesome, more fulfilled you is the easiest (and conversely, the hardest) step of all:  Reclaim your personal power by seeing your life through a positive lens.  Now, that isn't to say that you need to ignore or dismiss all of your troubles.  However, it is important to enhance and enjoy the stuff that's already going right.  Does your day at work suck?  I'm sure you have a bad day from time to time (and possibly more bad days than good!) but think about all of the good stuff about your day-to-day routines that you love.  Are you surrounded with anyone who brightens your day or makes things bearable?  Despite whatever is going on around you, have you somehow managed to make your rent or mortgage payment?  Even small things, like getting a chance to wear your favorite jeans, or the taste of your favorite home-cooked meal for dinner, or "something good" on TV tonight can be a bright spot in your day.  Try to deal with the crappy stuff, but don't forget to focus on the good stuff.  And even though the saying "every cloud has a silver lining" is ridiculously trite, it's a saying for a reason -- so don't overlook those blessings in disguise.  And when you find things that make you happy -- even if it's just a favorite game online or the soft feeling of your pillow and blanket at bedtime -- acknowledge it to yourself.  Realize that these tiny things are also a part of life.

Try using your positive lens every day.  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how those little bright spots can add up.  Take comfort and happiness wherever you can get it, and learn how to apply that positivity to other less-than-stellar areas of your life as well.

Of Spellwork: Ingredients, Incantations, & Gestures

Spellcasting, like any type of task, can take on different styles and forms, which largely depend on the spellcaster.  While there are many ingredients and directions to be followed, there is always room for variation. 

Spells largely consist of instructions which specify the actions, gestures, spoken or written words, and important items to use during casting.  Any spell that involves the written or spoken word requires that you write or speak clearly and legibly.  Some will require shouting, whispering, or just speaking -- in any event, do these things as firmly and with as much conviction as possible.  And don't forget to enunciate; remember what happened to Harry Potter the first time he tried going to Diagon Alley through the chimney!

Gestures may be equally important.  Strive to be as accurate as possible with these gestures.

Ingredients are another vital part of spellwork.  Try to get the best ingredients you can manage.  If there's something rare or time-sensitive that is difficult to acquire, a substitution may be allowed.  You can check online or in your spellbooks for the appropriate correspondences.  Many, if not most, ingredients should only be used once and not "recycled" for other spells.  However, in my opinion, some are fine to use over and over again.  For example, if you have a cleansing spell that requires a white candle, there is no reason you can't reuse the candle in your future magickal workings.  Just cleanse the item appropriately when you're finished, and re-consecrate it in the future.  The same goes for things like crystals, cloth items, and essential oils; you can always cleanse and re-program them.

December 2012 Client Update :)

Happy holidays to all of my customers who are celebrating this season!

Merry Christmas * Happy Chanukah *

Blessed Yule * Joyous Kwanzaa * Happy Festivus! ;)

... And of course, have a Happy New Year!!!

Many of you know that I've cut way back on my Keen time this year, due to some health issues and relocating, which has put a big ole split in my available time.  However, this month I've been working hard to make myself available.  And I will continue to do so throughout 2013 as well, so we can talk more. :)

This year, I look forward to helping all of you in continuing on your life paths.  Together, we can produce more happiness, more satisfaction out of life, better relationships with those who mean the most to us, and more positivity to share with the world! :)  2013 is going to be awesome indeed!  Come along with me along my journey, won't you?

I'm enclosing some free minutes for all of my Keen friends.  Feel free to pop onto the phone if you see me available, or click to chat whenever you see me.

I will also be unveiling some NEW and powerful services this year, so stay tuned!

Here's wishing everyone a happy, healthy, safe & satisfying holiday...

... and an even better 2013 ahead!

I thank ALL of YOU for sharing with me... YOU are the reason I'm on Keen...

I care about each and every one of you, and am so thankful you chose to seek my advice!

Lots of love to each and every one of you!

  @}-,-`-.   ~ Sage ~   .-`-,-{@  

My New-Age Blog: www.ConsultTheSage.Com

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P.S.  I don't send updates too often because I hate bugging people.  So if you'd rather not receive free minutes or updates, please write me back and request to be transferred to my "NO PROMOTIONS" list, instead of just blocking.  I will be sure to keep your inbox peaceful & quiet!  :)  Thanks! :)