Toxic Friends: Identifying & Handling Them

In order to have the happiest, healthiest life, it's so important for us to do things that are good for ourselves.  Friendship is one of those important ingredients for a rich and happy life -- a good friendship can nurture our spirit, bring positivity and hope into our lives, and provide the support that we need to reach our goals and fulfill our dreams.  Friends can be comfort when we're sad, support when we're hesiant, advice when we're confused.  We confide in them, and seek out their wisdom when we need it.  And we also have the same responsibilities toward our friends; those of us who take friendship seriously will understand the importance of reciprocity.

Wouldn't it be great if people came with labels?
Fortunately, toxic people are easy to spot
once you learn those tell-tale signs of toxicity.

However, as we evolve throughout our lives, so do our relationships with other people.  Life changes will also transform us, the way we view life, and the way we handle various issues that surround us.  Sometimes, our experiences, our successes and failures -- or those of the other party -- can change a friendship dynamic.  It's important to reevaluate ties with people who may not always be good for us.  You may have someone in mind that you're in the process of reevaluating right now.  Try using my checklist to help you.  Does your friend match any of these descriptions?

The Comedian.  The first thing on the list is to think about your interaction with the friend in question.  Is he or she using sarcasm to insult or undermine your self-esteem, to belittle you or your goals?  This can be especially stinging if such remarks are followed up with "I'm just joking," allowing the "friend" to hurt your feelings, yet effectively taking away your right to defend yourself.  While some people will snap or become cranky if they're having a bad day, or they're on the defensive because of some workable issue, pay close attention to these types of remarks.  If your friend is habitually using sarcasm to put you down, this is a calling card of friendship toxicity.  How to handle it:  Remember that this person is putting you down because of their own issues.  Or, perhaps there are some unhappy goings-on in the friend's life at the present time.  Wait it out and see what happens, but in the meantime, keep your shields up.  If things don't improve after a reasonable amount of time, it may be time to cut your losses.

The Rubber Neck.  In everyone's life, something bad will happen from time to time -- unemployment, serious illness, personal crisis.  Some friends will roll up their sleeves and do what they can to help you, even if it's just being there to lend an ear.  However, be aware of certain "tells" that the friend is behaving in a less-than-friendly manner.  One is that your friend may ask benign, yet rather nosey personal questions.  Perhaps you're trying to move on with your life and get things back to a place where you'd like it to be, yet your friend seems to only view you in relation to your crisis.  A friend who sits back and observes you as if they're watching a bad Lifetime movie or a really bad car accident -- someone who sees you only as some type of drama-fest to enjoy -- yet doesn't offer much in the way of help, is definitely toxic.  How to handle it:  This friend is not intentionally malicious, but nevertheless, it can be a frustrating situation.  It's best to keep the dirty details of your crises to yourself (or share with a truly supportive friend); keep contact with this person short and sweet.  If you need to take a break until you've moved on with your life a bit more, that's also understandable.  Maybe you won't be so interesting to the other person once you've put yourself in a better place.  Oh well.

The Pouting Princess.  I've written a few articles on emotional vampires, and the Pouting Princess is definitely an EV's close cousin!  To paraphrase, these are the sorts of people who are ridiculously needy and high-maintenance.  They may try to control or possess as much of your time as they can.  They may be jealous of the time you spend with others.  Or, perhaps they're just way too needy and clingy.  He or she may suck all the fun out of the room on the moment of entry, and you feel drained just thinking about him or her.  How to handle it:  Either "dump" them officially, or better yet, gradually try to fade away -- however you decide to handle it, by all means let them go.  Friendship is a give and take which should benefit both parties.  However, I did say give and take -- on both ends.  You doing all the giving, and them doing all the taking is not what I'd call healthy!

The Leech.  This is an easy one to spot: This is the type of friend who rarely or never has anything nice to say about you.  However, when you're needed for something, this person may manipulate you or take advantage of your good nature.  He or she may only be available when it's convenient for him or her, or when you are needed to bail him or her out.  There may also be some added drama and attempts to suck you into it. Clearly this is someone who's just out to use other people and cause chaos.  You rarely get "thank you" for helping out -- instead, you get "What else can you do for me?"  How to handle it:  Understand that this person is using you.  It's probably better if you just cut this person out of your life; but if you absolutely must deal with them, make sure to draw those boundaries firmly, and don't allow breaches.  And, like the vampire above, if you're noticing that the friendship isn't quite balancing out, head for the door and don't come back until this person is gone.

Remember that when you're faced with people who behave as I have described, you will eventually be faced with a three-fold choice.  

1.  Continue the friendship as it is, misery and all!

2.  Try working things out -- be honest about what's bothering you.

3.  End the friendship, either immediately or gradually.

Whatever happens, remember to trust your instincts.  You and the other person may have a shared past with one another, but that past just might not translate into a present or future.  Sometimes, people grow in different directions.  If you are not able to salvage the rifts in the friendship, it may be time to move on and set yourself (and the other party) free to pursue relationships which are more fulfilling.

Your Personal "Colour Ray"

This is another personality quiz-type writing which has circulated online for decades.  Enjoy!

What colour are you?  This is an interesting subject of which many people are unaware.   It is suggested that we are all made up of different vibrations, which align directly with the colours of the rainbow.  These are known as The Rays.  Although we are a jumble of all these colours, there is one predominant Ray that is said to relate to each individual.  Scroll down and see which one most clearly describes you.

NOTE: THE RAYS should never be thought of as being destructive in themselves, for they come from the Light of Pure Goodness.  However, in the density of the Physical Plane, this may become distorted sufficiently to effect destructive behaviour in less evolved souls.  Extremes of any Ray can have negative results.

The Red Ray of Will and Power.  People born under the Red Ray show excellent qualities of leadership.  They have extraordinary energy, and great strength, power, courage, and enthusiasm, with a persistent driving force as their keynote.  National rulers, high ranking officers, and those seeking authority and power for the advancement of humanity, are often born under this Ray.  They are also found amongst the greatest athletes and and defenders of the land.  There is often a strong "elemental attunement" to nature, and an innate understanding of the secret hidden forces of the animal and plant kingdoms, as well as the human mind.  People of the Red Ray of those who take initiative in business or other areas of oranisation and control.  There is nearly always an exceptional interest, if not participation in politics, although the motive generally would be in no way manipulative, but extremely direct, idealistic and forthright in approach.  However, with the pressures of the present day political arena, it can have its destructive influence, leading to a tendency towards aggression, and sometimes even war in the urgency to retain authority.

The Orange Ray of Knowledge and Science.  Those of the Orange Ray are born with a questioning logical mind. They are critical and clear thinking, ever seeking to find the reasoning behind the many illusive facets of life.  They are great moralists, with a strong sense of duty to their fellow man; looking deeply into the ethics of every situation, and are extremely individualistic in thought and action, for they live by high principles.  There is a strong belief in themselves, and their ability through education, to control their destiny.  Being so independent, they will likely insist on doing things "their way", unless it is proven to be unrealistic.  The Orange Ray is the ray of the scientific mind, and people of its vibration are both creative and objective in attitude, analysing events of importance with great accuracy and attention to detail.  It is not surprising that many of those in research are born under this Ray, for they believe that knowledge and experience is the key to wisdom.

The Yellow Ray of Art and Harmony through conflict.  The Yellow Ray is the ray that seeks to overcome confusion, and restore harmony from out of diversity.  It is the colour of the artist, who takes the profusion of the many accents of colour, and creates beauty in its greatest expression and form.  As Gandhi, through silent contemplation, sought to bring order out of confusion, so the people of this Ray search to uncover true peace from out of conflict.  They are often the catalysts of society, sparking into life a potentially dangerous situation yet, in doing so, forcing others to look into themselves and, through the pressure of diversity without, find unity within.  People of the Yellow Ray are refined, ascetic, far seeking and creative. They are those who dominate and mould the different cultures of the lands, and have been recognised as profound teachers through example.  They have a great impact and influence on humanity for they have the secret of the art of true living, and call attention to the need to strive for achievement.  What they give, they expect to receive and, once set on their goal, they seek to progress and grow, no matter what opposition may beset them, for they are contented and hopeful in the knowledge that an outer confrontation is only a struggle by which we inwardly evolve.

The Green Ray of Active Intelligence.  Those born into the impulse of the Green Ray are both mentally alert and clear in intellect. They have exceptional ability for planning and the formation of structure, hence they are often found in industry where construction and economy are necessary. Economics and Finance are likely their forte.  These people are dependable, reliable, with a tendency to live by certain rules of procedure, but there is a certain unity of purpose found within themselves and their loved ones.They are family people, working with both physical and mental agility to preserve the traditional foundations of the home.  Those of the Green Ray are capable of both clear active thought and constructive intelligence, and they are often the material that lawyers are made of, for they are well able to pursue an abstract principle to its final conclusion.  They believe strongly in the power of love, when directed under the control of constructive aims.  Many times these people have a persistent sense of destiny, believing that they have been chosen for a specific task to complete in life, and will often tolerate extremes of hardship in order to attain that end.  However, it is rare to find these people in conditions of financial difficulty, for their innate intelligence is attuned to avoiding such problems by careful planning, and active application.

The Blue Ray of Devotion and Idealism.  The Blue Ray is the ray associated with the Crusader.  People of high idealism, who fight ardently for a cause, and show great intensity of purpose towards their beliefs.  These people are often devoted to the aid of the "under-dog", for they are driven by the spirit of service to mankind, and an urgency for a Utopian Society.  In many cases, they are predominately religious but, even if otherwise, they often carry their "truth" high in the air, like a placard, for all to see; spreading the "word" with enthusiasm and happiness.  Many religious leaders and idealists. seeking Justice for the People, find prominence under this Ray, for their ardent devotion to a cause will likely sustain long after others weaken.  However, it is only the unevolved souls who can become bigoted in their direction for, mostly, these "messengers" urgently need to share their beliefs with those of others.  Yet in some ways, there is a certain fanaticism within the nature, leading these people to a single-minded and dedicated attitude, which upholds them and others in times of crisis.

The Indigo Ray of Love and Wisdom.  This is the Indigo Ray of endurance and love, and, those who are part of this stream of force are the seekers of lasting peace and truth.  Their motivation is magnetic and persisitent, portraying a unity of purpose throughout their nature, which often brings others to find solace in their company.  Those of the Indigo Ray are the sustainers and observers of life – receptive, adaptable, gentle "confessors" of humanity – and are known, by their example, as the healers and philosophers, who walk the path of wisdom.  Within all things, they search for understanding and the unity of common ground, and are well able to sacrifice their own needs for the welfare of others.  The keynote to the destiny of these people is love and charity in relationships and therein lies their true power, for they can become a fortress of strength for those of less endurance than themselves.  Their need to express their love is balanced in harmony with another’s need to receive.

The Violet Ray of Ceremonial Order and Ritual.  The Violet Ray is associated with the consolidation and control of energy which links the Higher with the Lower, or Spirit and Matter.  Those born under its vibration seek order and perfection in their lives, and are greatly disturbed by harsh aggressive behaviour, or anything that disrupts the smooth and well ordered running of their every day circumstances.  Their habits are constructive and well organised in ritual, even when involved in the most mundane of tasks.  These people are the architects of life; intuitive and perceptive of others, yet innately aware of their own inner direction.  Although sometimes rather traditional in their love of ceremony and order, there is a certain inner restlessness to the character, which seeks to concentrate their aspiring energy towards a definite object or goal.  There is normally a strong belief in the dominance of unseen forces, and many practising magicians of quality are born under this Ray, who attune themselves admirably to the fluctuations of Nature and her seasons.

Choosing Your Personal Power Gemstone

Since time immemorial, humankind has enjoyed the power of gemstones.  They have been used as amulets, talismans, and magical objects to enrich their lives in all manner of ways: for love, health, luck, and power of all types.  The modern person can still believe and benefit from the power of gems.  They can be worn to compliment your wardrobe or to enhance your personal style, but they can also be enjoyed for the same spiritual reasons that our ancestors once utilized them.

Every gemstone, like every person, is special and unique.  There may be two stones which are cut exactly the same way, and even from the same location, but nevertheless there will be subtle differences between each and every piece.  You don't need to choose the same stone as the one that your best friend or lover's stone; however, if you do, just know that even though they may be similar-looking, the energy of each is different.  If you have specific issues and problems that you wish to counteract, try seeking a stone that will help to filter out negative energies or direct them to another source.  Doing a bit of research is easy and will help you to choose just what you need.

Some people use birthstones as their lucky stone, which can be a wonderful idea!

JANUARY:   Garnet, pink (rose) quartz
FEBRUARY:  Onyx, amethyst
MARCH:  Aquamarine, bloodstone
APRIL:  Diamond
MAY:  Emerald
JUNE:  Alexandrite, pearl
JULY:  Ruby
AUGUST:  Peridot
SEPTEMBER:  Sapphire, lapis lazuli
OCTOBER:  Opal, tourmaline
NOVEMBER:  Topaz
DECEMBER:  Turquoise

Finding ways to carry gemstones on your person can be challenging, but so worthwhile!  Try incorporating them into jewelry, such as earrings or pendants.  These are great for women, but not always so easy for men to "carry" off.  Rings work well for people who don't like fussy jewelry, even a simple one will work well.

You can also decorate your home, workspace, or even your car with crystal -- A friend of mine used to have a tiny corked glass bottle hanging from her car mirror.  In the bottle was a bunch of different gemstone chips.  It was a pretty conversation piece, but it also made her feel inspired and able to harness the vibrations of her favorite gems.

Another quick word of advice: While using gem stones can't hurt you, and could possibly help, do remember that the real power is inside YOU!  Having faith and working toward your goals, while using whatever methods you prefer to enhance your positivity, will help to result in a wonderful new you. :)

Aura Polishing Techniques

A friend of mine who's very much into aura healing and cleansing shared this ritual with me. He does this every few days or so, in order to keep things balanced. It's unusual, to say the least, but definitely worth a shot if you're inclined toward working with your auras. This is what I've learned about aura cleansing, so I hope you enjoy it!  Every aura is different, and different things may work for various aura colors and aura patterns.

Strengthening and healing one's auras should be done each day, in order to keep things running smoothly. This is especially true if you know that you're going to be in a stressful situation, or if you're going to be around emotional vampires or other negative folks who drain away your energy.

In order to protect your aura, the first thing to do is to put up a spiritual "stop sign" to protect yourself from outside energy interfering. One way to do this is to cross your arms and legs in a protective stance (or sitting position).

Then, you can try my friend's unusual breathing technique which is said to clear the aura and balance the chakras. With this cleansing, your auric area is cleansed and your mind-body connection is balanced. It is done by breathing in with one nostril, then out with the other.

First, hold your nose as if you're going underwater; just pinch it between your fingers, but don't apply any pressure. Close off one nostril and breathe out. Keep your tongue steady and low in the mouth, just behind the front teeth. Apply pressure to the other nostril while releasing the original one, and then breathe in for a few seconds. Hold the breath for 10-15 seconds if you can; otherwise, just do it for as long as you can. Then exhale, and do the same thing with the other nostril. Repeat the entire process half a dozen times or so. It shouldn't take longer than a couple of minutes.

I'm still learning about auric work, so I'm not sure how standard the above exercise is. However, one thing I can say about it is that with all of the concentrating on breath, it certainly can help to refocus your mind onto something new if you're worried or stressed. Breathing exercises are often quite calming and strengthening. I often do a similar breathing exercise without all of the nose pinching. Do what feels most comfortable for you.

As you're breathing, you can also try a "cleansing vortex" visualization. To do this, as you're breathing, visualize a swirling vortex of light, beginning in your midsection, and whirling outward and away from you, cleansing and healing your entire body, removing and dispeling all negativity that is embedded within. Imagine the negativity changing to positive energy, then visualize the whirlwind scattering this positive energy outward and away, releasing it into the general environment and doing good things for others.

Sex Goddess Lesson #1: How To Be Sexier & More Confident

Amazing dancers Ruth St. Denis and Ted Shawn
in 1916, proving that the basic elements
of sensuality are timeless!

Let's sizzle in 2012, shall we? :)

I've realized that, when looking through my post labels, only one article has been posted on sex (and that was a joke about sex).  Lots of people who land here seem to be searching for relationship and romance advice, so I figured that it was high time to write about one cornerstone of any healthy relationship:  sex.

After doing some research for my sex article, I realized that there are some amazing resources out there.  However, most of the stuff I've read about love, sex, and romance are all about how to keep the sex going in an existing relationship, how to spice things up, or how to be more attractive to your mate.  But these articles didn't really seem to get it right all the way, as far as I was concerned.

Yes, your mate is right up there on the priority chart, but the most important sexual relationship you can have is with yourself -- if you can't see yourself as a sexual being, then your sexual relationship with others will never be quite as satisfying as it should be.  And if you're reading this, then obviously, you want to start the road to improvement.  Congratulations -- your journey is about to begin!

The first stop on the road to channeling your inner sex goddess is to find ways to feel sexy.  Remember that this has nothing to do with other people; this is all about you.  It's ok to be "selfish" sometimes -- remember that when you take the time to do good things for yourself, you'll later be able to take care of others even better.

Think about yourself in terms of what you find to be the most attractive, wonderful, and unique qualities about yourself.  Do you have intriguing eyes or smooth, creamy skin?  Do you have soft, ample curves; or perhaps you're a lean, willowy Goddess?  All shapes and sizes are beautiful.  The Western world currently tends to favor tall and thin supermodel types, but the beauty of all types can be appreciated in some time or culture -- and even in our modern society, you'll find people who can appreciate exactly what your own physical and mental style brings to the table. But the most important person to appreciate your own unique beauty is you!  Make a list -- write it down if you want to -- of all of your gorgeous body parts, from the hair on your head to the tips of your toes.  And don't forget your awesome mental or emotional traits too -- being clever, witty, determined, and strong are all smokin' hot attributes as well.  This isn't the time to worry about the parts you dislike -- show them some love, too!  But if you're not quite there, let's just focus on the things you love about yourself for now.