Command Respect & Jump-Start Your Self-Esteem!

Here are a few more ways to feel successful and great with people, while making a good impression.  Take these pieces of advice, and watch others' behavior toward you change for the better. :)

The first thing to remember is that no situation is going to be all about you.  There are always other people that are feeling the impact of just about everything.  Choose your battles wisely.  Sometimes, it's perfectly fine to put on your diva shoes and demand some extra attention.  Other times, you'll need to remember to hang back and let others have their own moments.  Pay attention, and try to show empathy toward others.  Let people know that you do care about them, their feelings, and their experiences.  People will appreciate it and remember your kindness.

As tough as it can be, actively seek out the good in others.  This can be especially effective when dealing with people you dislike -- when you have to put up with someone who annoys you, try to think of the qualities that they have which you can appreciate.  You don't have to be best friends with them, but giving them a chance, or at least acknowledging that they aren't 100% awful can go a long way toward a better relationship.

Listen to people when they speak -- really listen!  Ask them questions about what they say.  Say their names, but not too often; people like it when other people call them by name.  Use open body language; much of what we're saying is conveyed nonverbally, so remember that your physical cues are being read, whether consciously or not, by anyone with whom you are interacting.  And don't forget to give people your attention; interrupting verbally is rude, but interrupting them mentally is just as bad.  (And yes, people know when you're not mentally present.)

Feel Better NOW: Boost Your Self-Esteem Instantly

Feeling down on yourself?  Instead of succumbing to those "blah" days (or years), reclaim your life by strengthening your self-esteem.  Here are a few tricks to get you started; trust me, these will work wonders on giving yourself the internal makeover that you need to feel lovely.

You've probably already heard that old tip about taking stock of things you're grateful for, or things that are good about you.  This is a fabulous tip, and it's always good to remember that you have some good qualities.  But instead of just taking stock of the good, how about also composing a list of things you'd like to change or improve?  Be kind, and constructive, but real.  Acknowledging the weaker points in your life and addressing them can help you make improvements.

When you've made your list, be real with yourself about starting to improve these things.  Even if you just stick to your guns for a day or two, revel in the fact that you have the power to change!  You are taking control of your life and working to get to a goal.  Enjoy that.  The journey is just as important as the destination, so savor each part of your process.

Use other people, but "in a good way."  You have a lot to offer other people.  Give freely of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help once in awhile as well.  We've all been put in one anothers' paths to give generously and to receive graciously.  You may not always get what you want, but it never hurts to ask.  

Treat others with respect, and make everyone around you feel important.  This will ensure that you're treated largely the same way.  If those around you do not respect you in return, it may be time to reevaluate yourself as well as your relationships with others.

Be driven in your efforts to improve, but forgive yourself any setbacks.  Just stick to it!

Having an Awesome Life: Lesson #1, Positivity

I have decided to dedicate 2013 to helping my readers improve themselves in a more general way.  Are you ready to have an awesome life?  Ready to enjoy each moment and live life to the fullest?  Then this is the series for you!  If you've tried all kinds of ways to improve the life you have, read on... you may find the answers you seek in my "Having an Awesome Life" series. :)

Let's start this year off on the best possible foot!  January's step toward a more awesome, more fulfilled you is the easiest (and conversely, the hardest) step of all:  Reclaim your personal power by seeing your life through a positive lens.  Now, that isn't to say that you need to ignore or dismiss all of your troubles.  However, it is important to enhance and enjoy the stuff that's already going right.  Does your day at work suck?  I'm sure you have a bad day from time to time (and possibly more bad days than good!) but think about all of the good stuff about your day-to-day routines that you love.  Are you surrounded with anyone who brightens your day or makes things bearable?  Despite whatever is going on around you, have you somehow managed to make your rent or mortgage payment?  Even small things, like getting a chance to wear your favorite jeans, or the taste of your favorite home-cooked meal for dinner, or "something good" on TV tonight can be a bright spot in your day.  Try to deal with the crappy stuff, but don't forget to focus on the good stuff.  And even though the saying "every cloud has a silver lining" is ridiculously trite, it's a saying for a reason -- so don't overlook those blessings in disguise.  And when you find things that make you happy -- even if it's just a favorite game online or the soft feeling of your pillow and blanket at bedtime -- acknowledge it to yourself.  Realize that these tiny things are also a part of life.

Try using your positive lens every day.  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how those little bright spots can add up.  Take comfort and happiness wherever you can get it, and learn how to apply that positivity to other less-than-stellar areas of your life as well.

20 Awesome Tips for Surviving a Bad Breakup

1.  Remove the temptation of easy access.  Delete his or her number from your phone, block 'em on Facebook, get rid of old emails.  Unless you work together or share children, there is really no need to initiate further contact.  (If there was no major betrayal before the breakup, you may wish to maintain the friendship; in this case, just lay low for awhile and get some emotional distance.)
 
2.  Do not keep tabs on your ex.  This means no Facebook stalking (covertly or otherwise), no asking around, no driving past his or her house.  If it's over, it's over.  Let them wonder what you're doing or whom you're with now, but resist the temptation to keep that wound fresh.

3.  Let it out.  Write all your feelings in a notebook, a personal blog or journal, anywhere that you can vent and detox those negative feelings.

4.  Decide that, since you have now detoxed, to turn over a new leaf.  Think of this as a positive opportunity to make a fresh start, and adopt a positive attitude.

5.  Take care of yourself.  Eat healthy, exercise, and generally treat yourself well.  This is especially true if you were with someone who was not terribly concerned with your physical or emotional well-being.  When you take responsibility of your own well-being, you're taking control of your life.

6.  When you're feeling down on yourself, try thinking of all your positive qualities.  Make a list if you have to, in order to refer to it for future falterings.

7.  While you're in the habit of making lists, try making another one of all the reasons you're better off NOT in the relationship that you used to be.  If your former partner was annoying, unsupportive, selfish, or boring... write it down.  Absorb it, realize that the end of the relationship is a positive thing, and move on.

8.  Socialize with friends.  Call people that you haven't spoken to in a long while.  Re-establish touch with long lost friends, and enjoy reconnecting with those who love you.

9.  Pursue new interests, or revive much-beloved older ones.

10.  Take the focus off of yourself.  Realize that other people have issues too; do something wonderful for another person, and enjoy the glow that comes along with it.

11.  Pleasure yourself physically. 'Nuff said.

12.  Make changes to your apprearance.  Yes, it can be a bit of a cliche, but the truth is that seeing a cool new you in the mirror can help to alter your own perception of yourself.  Change your hair, try a new fashion style, get your most trusted cohorts together and devise an interesting new look for yourself.

13.  Change your surroundings.  You may not be in the position to move, but sometimes when you feel down in the dumps, and everything reminds you of your ex, you want to switch things around.  Move the furniture, paint the walls.  Burn some sage and detoxify your space.  If you're not interested in switching around your space, even a good thorough cleaning can make you feel fantastic.

14.  Throw yourself into your work for awhile.  Don't become a workaholic, though!

15.  When you're ready to see new people, try dating.  Keep in mind that "rebounds" usually don't work out, so don't go hunting for a new relationship right away.  Just enjoy socializing, flirting, and meeting new and interesting (or not-so-interesting!) people.

16.  Make new friends.

17.  Find enjoyment in solitary activities like reading, video games, or just walking through your city and seeing the sights.

18.  If your ex dumped you for someone else or was a particularly big jerk, think about the next person they end up with.  Instead of feeling jealous or tearing them down, realize how being with the ex totally sucks.  Feel simultaneously sorry for the "latest victim," and relieved that your ex is no longer your problem.

19.  Truly evolved people never stop growing, changing, and learning.  Try filling your mind with new information and perceptions.  Expanding your mind will expand every part of your life.

20.  Love yourself and love others.

The Act of Contrition

The Act of Contrition is a Catholic prayer that is used during confession.  It is basically a pledge between the confessor and God, where the person confessing expresses sorrow for his or her sins, and promises to behave better in the future.  There are some versions which are more popular than others, but there is no specific right or wrong version.  In fact, when I went to confession as a child, I was encouraged just to speak from my heart if I was unable to remember one of the versions I was taught.

Here is a popular version in the original Latin:

Deus meus, ex toto corde paenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum
eaque detestor, quia peccando,
non solum poenas a te iuste statutas promeritus sum,
sed praesertim quia offendi te,
summum bonum, ac dignum qui super omnia diligaris.
Ideo firmiter propono,
adiuvante gratia tua,
de cetero me non peccatorum peccandique occasiones proximas fugiturum.
Amen.

In English, this is basically translated as:

O my God, I repent of all my sins with all of my heart 
I detest them, because by sinning, 
Not only did I have gained just punishment from you, 
but most of all because they offend Thee, 
the highest good, who is deserving of all my love. 
I firmly resolve with Your help, 
to avoid the occasions of sin.
Amen. 

The Act of Contrition for children, which is the one I learned as I prepared for my First Holy Communion, is short and sweet: "O my God, I am sorry for all my sins because they displease you, who are all good and deserving of all my love. With your help I will sin no more. Amen."

My mother was taught this one when she was a child: "O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who are all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen."

You do not need to be Catholic, or indeed even Christian, to declare an act of contrition.  If you are Catholic, you can use the prayers above, or if not, just speak from your heart to the deity of your choice or to the universe itself.   This can be a wonderfully cleansing and uplifting practice to help switch you onto the right track, to avoid things that are unhealthy or negative for you, and to move on in a more positive direction.

Vibrational Crystal Healing to Channel Your Inner Doctor

Crystals are prevalent in all places in ordinary, everyday life.  Computers, radios, televisions, cell phones all have crystals in them.  Technology can certainly benefit from their power, but crystals can also benefit people in other ways.  One new age technique that explores this concept is that of crystal vibrational healing.

Vibrational healing is done through harnessing the frequency of energy that radiates through the crystal and to a person's physical body.  This energy can cleanse the body of negativity -- sadness, fear, bad energy, and possibly even ill health -- and replace this unwanted energy with more positive vibrations.

I've heard some people claim that the physical body is never really ill, but rather it is our perception that illness exists.  I don't agree with this statement at all.  If this were true, then there wouldn't be any sick people in the world; instead, illness could be abolished by simply wishing it away.  Choosing not to believe you're sick is very risky and could be dangerous.  Instead, I believe that it's best to take sensible measures in addressing your health concerns.  See your doctor, eat well, exercise and do the best you can to maintain your body.  At the same time that you're using medical science to aid in your journey to wellness, you can also try vibrational healing to keep your mind positive and your spirit determined to fight.  This way, you will get the best of both worlds.

While you may not be able to control everything that happens in your body, you can work on your mental and spiritual outlook.  Studies have shown that meditation has had a wonderful effect on the well-being of illness sufferers.  Trying new age methods until you find one you're comfortable with, can't hurt you, and can possibly help.

The first step with crystal healing is to focus on what you want to change.  To transform your feelings or physical state, try feeling those negative states with the opposite aspect.  For example, feed fear with courage.  Feed anger with tranquility.  Feed pain with relief.  Feed illness with health.  You can use crystals as tools to aid you in these transformations.

Find your favorite crystal, or one that feels right for the job, and place it against your heart, your third eye, or any chakra where you feel the need for relief.  Center on that negative feeling or state.  Feel it strongly.  If it helps, remember a time when you felt it the most -- it can be your fear, your illness, your pain.  Now, after you've zeroed in on that feeling, imagine it being attracted into the crystal like a magnet.  Meditate on that negativity being drained completely from your body, and being trapped inside the crystal.  Envision your body being cleansed completely of that feeling as it empties into the crystal.  Now, envision a glow around the crystal as it transforms and heals the energy.  Imagine the cleansed, positive, wonderful energy filling you completely and fortifying you with positivity and well-being.

You can use this technique whenever you feel the need for some extra cleansing or peace in your life.  It is a wonderfully quick and easy form of meditation for both the seasoned meditator, and the novice, alike.

Healing Tips For a Broken Heart

Each and every person in the world is unique.  We all come from different places and have endured different experiences throughout our lives.  However, there is one thing that will always unite people with one another, and that is that we all have feelings and emotions.  At one time or another, we have all experienced loss.  Just about everyone knows what it feels like to suffer from a broken heart.

Love is the most powerful force on Earth.  Sure, you can argue that other feelings are more important, and indeed they all play their own roles in our time here.  However, love is truly the tie than binds us to one another.  When we experience the loss of that love through a breakup, a death, or some other unforseen circumstance, the pain can be so intense that we feel as if we may never recover from that loss.  While it's true that you may never again be the same after this experience, there are ways to heal and to move on with your life.

The first step is to understand that love will often change our perception of the way that things are.  I'm not saying that your relationship has distorted your view on reality, but perhaps the bond that you shared with someone else may not have been as strong as you previously thought.  It may have been other feelings mingled in with that love -- dependency, comfort, sexual passion, a shared commitment towards your family, or any number of other life changes.  Most relationships will end sooner or later; love does not always last.  If you experienced a breakup, then naturally there were problems on your end, on the other end, or both.  Focusing on the reasons that the relationship ended will give you a new sense of perspective and acceptance.  From this, the healing can begin.



Your heart may feel as though the emotional wounds might never heal.  However, you must understand that with time, the hurt and the sorrow that you are experiencing will subside.  As I said before, you will not be the same person.  But you will definitely grow stronger from the experience, and as time goes by, you will begin to heal and feel more like your regular self again.  Give yourself the time to grieve.  If you're sad, acknowledge those feelings -- don't just stuff them inside.  Express them.  Feel them.  Yes, it will be painful.  However, being able to acknowledge the hurt and the despair in the wake of this loss is a vital part of the grieving process. 

The most important part of this process is to always keep in mind that with each passing day, you are healing more and more.  Just like a physical wound, it will hurt just a little less every day.  And, like a bodily ailment, you need to nourish yourself with the things that are needed to help the healing process -- and to avoid things which are bad for you.



The funny thing about a broken heart is that you won't always feel like it's broken. There will be times when you feel sad, no doubt, but there will also be times that you feel guilty, angry or even relieved. But, until you are completely over your former partner, you can be sure that there is some heart break playing a role in your emotions. So, how do you go about mending a broken heart?

To be blunt, you need to confront the problem. While you may be able to take temporary comfort in denial, it will only delay things from getting better. You have to be completely honest with yourself and how you feel.

Being honest is the only way you will be able to work things out. It won't be easy, but you need to figure out why you feel so heartbroken. Do you feel betrayed by your ex? Do you feel you betrayed them? Was there a death? Were they unfaithful? Do you feel guilty? Do you think you could have done more? Do you think you did all you could, and just can't understand why you broke up anyway? Whatever it is, identifying the real problem is the key to solving it.

Once you have figured out what the root of your broken heart is, you can fix it. For example, if you're feeling guilty, then you need to forgive yourself. But if it was something your partner did, then you need to forgive them. You have to be willing to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

You also need to be realistic about mending a broken heart. Because it isn't always easy, you may not be able to do it on your own. If you find you're just not getting any better, then it may be time to seek help from a counselor...again, whatever it takes. Give it time and face it head on, and you will be feeling better before you know it.

Regina Brett's 45 Life Lessons

Regina Brett wrote this column several years ago. Many sources attribute this to a 90-year-old woman, but Regina was actually about 50 when she dispensed these pearls of wisdom. Enjoy!






~~~

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Sex Goddess Lesson #1: How To Be Sexier & More Confident

Amazing dancers Ruth St. Denis and Ted Shawn
in 1916, proving that the basic elements
of sensuality are timeless!

Let's sizzle in 2012, shall we? :)

I've realized that, when looking through my post labels, only one article has been posted on sex (and that was a joke about sex).  Lots of people who land here seem to be searching for relationship and romance advice, so I figured that it was high time to write about one cornerstone of any healthy relationship:  sex.

After doing some research for my sex article, I realized that there are some amazing resources out there.  However, most of the stuff I've read about love, sex, and romance are all about how to keep the sex going in an existing relationship, how to spice things up, or how to be more attractive to your mate.  But these articles didn't really seem to get it right all the way, as far as I was concerned.

Yes, your mate is right up there on the priority chart, but the most important sexual relationship you can have is with yourself -- if you can't see yourself as a sexual being, then your sexual relationship with others will never be quite as satisfying as it should be.  And if you're reading this, then obviously, you want to start the road to improvement.  Congratulations -- your journey is about to begin!

The first stop on the road to channeling your inner sex goddess is to find ways to feel sexy.  Remember that this has nothing to do with other people; this is all about you.  It's ok to be "selfish" sometimes -- remember that when you take the time to do good things for yourself, you'll later be able to take care of others even better.

Think about yourself in terms of what you find to be the most attractive, wonderful, and unique qualities about yourself.  Do you have intriguing eyes or smooth, creamy skin?  Do you have soft, ample curves; or perhaps you're a lean, willowy Goddess?  All shapes and sizes are beautiful.  The Western world currently tends to favor tall and thin supermodel types, but the beauty of all types can be appreciated in some time or culture -- and even in our modern society, you'll find people who can appreciate exactly what your own physical and mental style brings to the table. But the most important person to appreciate your own unique beauty is you!  Make a list -- write it down if you want to -- of all of your gorgeous body parts, from the hair on your head to the tips of your toes.  And don't forget your awesome mental or emotional traits too -- being clever, witty, determined, and strong are all smokin' hot attributes as well.  This isn't the time to worry about the parts you dislike -- show them some love, too!  But if you're not quite there, let's just focus on the things you love about yourself for now.

Taking Back Control of Your Life

Last year, because of the questions I commonly get asked by clients, I decided to make an instructional video on how to live a happier life. Even so, a lot of the traffic that I get seems to point to the notion that some folks are so discouraged with their situations that they have no idea where to even start!

It can be a difficult thing when your life is so overwhelming. You look at each part, seeing one mess after the next; figuring out which place to roll in your sleeves and get working. If you tweak one part, the rest may just fall to pieces. Fear and negativity keep us stuck in the comfortable, yet unhealthy, present, and both emotions make us reluctant to move forward into the unknown. If you feel that you're experiencing a spiritual crisis, you need to stop worrying and figure out how to regain control of your life. It can be difficult -- let's face it, it'll very likely be hard as hell in the beginning -- but stick with your goals. The end result will be worth all of the pain of growing.

Try following these 9 pieces of advice for just a week. They certainly cannot hurt you, and will very likely help. 

1. Take care of yourself physically. This doesn't mean that you need to spend every second at the gym and only eat carrots and celery for the rest of your days. But it does mean that you have to start treating yourself the way you try caring for everyone else in your life -- your spouse, kids, parents, or even your family pet! Would you deprive them of adequate sleep? How about healthy food and lots of water to keep them hydrated and nourished? These little things can be hard to remember to do when it's you, but you simply cannot take control of your life without catering to your basic needs. Appropriate rest, food, and exercise will put you in a far better frame of mind. This is especially true if you have health problems; working on improving your overall health may not cure the worst of what ails you, but it will maintain (and probably improve) your functioning parts.

2. Practice daily gratitude. This is the most vital thing that you can do for yourself on an emotional level. If you're constantly criticizing and finding fault with your surroundings, then you will get just what you ask for. However, if you open yourself up to gratitude and appreciation of what you do have, then more will flow your way. Each day, make it a point to think of what the universe has blessed you with, and enjoy it. There are people who have a lot less than you do.

3. Don't make assumptions about people. It's common for our fears to color the way we see ourselves, and other people. You may be afraid of not being liked or accepted by others, worry about being gossiped about, or feel concerned that something you've done has upset or offended someone. If these things are bothering you, it's better to get proof. Better yet, you can open your mouth and ask people if something is wrong. Your worrying is most likely for nothing. Wouldn't it be nice to relieve yourself of that kind of burden?

4. Stop black-and-white thinking. Most of the people and things in your life aren't all just "good" or "bad." Making generalizations about your environment and the people within it is a sure-fire way to keep your world very limited, and your mind small. But when you open your mind and realize that a million shades of gray exist between the good and the bad, you're opening yourself up to a new world. Rather than allow preconceived notions to control you, you are taking control of your own thoughts and putting yourself in the driver's seat.

5. Eliminate negative self-talk. We all have that nasty little voice inside our heads that can't seem to shut up when we're at our most vulnerable. This voice is nothing more than a fear-based illusion, trying to hold us back. While some fear or apprehension is a healthy thing, negative statements that we make to ourself can hurt our feelings just as bad as, if not worse than, if someone else were to say the same things to us. (And in fact, some negative self-talk is based on things that we have been criticized for in the past!) But if you're patient with yourself, and keep pushing forward despite that snarky inner dialogue, eventually that voice will fade. Until the time when your positive voice is the stronger of the twi, try not to pay attention to the negative stuff. It will get quieter and quieter with each small success you achieve, and the positive self-talk will grow. 

6. It's not always about you. Like negative self-talk, negative reactions can hinder your ability to see things clearly. This is less about a voice in your head, and more of a knee-jerk reaction in a stressful situation. For example, if your boss or teacher wants to speak with you privately, you may assume that you're in trouble about something. Or perhaps people around you are laughing, so you worry that you're the subject of some joke. Occasionally your mind may go there, even if there isn't any evidence to support a negative theory. Try to put the situation into perspective and realize that there are many possibilities that you haven't even considered. Take the focus off of yourself, and realize that everyone has their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Yours may not even enter into the equation.

7. Enjoy physical contact as often as possible. Now, get your mind out of the gutter; I didn't say you have to jump on top of everyone you meet! But don't underestimate the healing power of big ole hug! Participating in physical contact with other people -- friends, family, and pets -- will soothe and heal you in a way that words never can. If hugging is awkward for you, start slowly by shaking hands, patting people on the back, and giving high-fives. There are many, many studies which have been done on the benefits of physical contact, so make it a point to enjoy those benefits as much as you can.

8. Be a social butterfly. Solitude can be a wonderful thing. But too much alone time can put you at risk for loneliness or awkwardness when it does come time to interact with others. The more people you can surround yourself with, the happier you will be. That doesn't mean you need to go out clubbing every night of the week. But, expanding your social circle by a couple of people -- and going out of your way to keep those contacts participating in your life -- is a reward in and of itself. Being around healthy, positive people will make your own life feel much more positive too.

9. Help others, volunteer, and give of yourself. This has so many benefits that I'm only going to list a few. First and foremost is the obvious benefit to the one who's receiving the help. Additionally, you'll feel good for doing something wonderful and helping someone else. The psychological and spiritual benefits are great as well, because you're practicing #6 at the same time, and taking the focus off your own problems to address something else entirely. Helping others can open up your world in ways that you've never thought possible, and expose you to people and experiences that will enrich your life.

These are only a few tips that can help you feel stronger and more empowered in your life. Remember that happiness is not always going to just fall into your lap. Relationships are always going to require work, especially the relationship that you have with yourself. Make the effort to make lasting positive changes, and you will enjoy a newer, richer life experience.

Photo Credit: Thanks to snapchris.com (aka tibchris on Flickr) for making this picture available under a Creative Commons License. The model is the lovely and and inspiring Nikita Patel. Thanks to both of you for sharing!

Healthy Boundaries: Getting There

Now that we've discussed the basics of boundaries which are unhealthy for being too loose or too rigid -- and the importance of having healthy boundaries for their positive impact on your self-esteem and your relationships with others, let's learn how to establish those boundaries with others.


Step 1. What do you need?  Sit down and really figure out what you need in a relationship. What makes you feel respected? What makes you feel uncomfortable? Determine what your own personal needs, wants, and rights are. Establish boundaries based on what you think is reasonable. Remember that your rights and needs should be separate entities in and of themselves, and that your rights should end where those of others begin.

Step 2.  Discuss these boundaries with others. State your case clearly, and in with a neutral but firm attitude. Don't speak angrily or in a long-winded way. Just keep it clear and concise. You do not need to apologize for, rationalize, or argue while establishing this boundary. Be firm and respectful.

Step 3.  Remember why you're setting this boundary. If you expect people to understand and respect your needs, you must also understand that their reactions to this may be negative, especially if they are used to behaving in ways that are contrary to these boundaries. Don't apologize for protecting yourself. Don't feel selfish or guilty, just stand by your decision and remind yourself why you need your rights and needs to be respected by those who should care about you. This is a normal, natural and healthy part of the process. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but things will get easier with time.

Step 4.  Prepare yourself for the possibility of being tested. Most people will understand your feelings and respect them, but there might be people in your life who will not respect these boundaries. Others might accuse you of being selfish or mean for denying their unreasonable requests. But nevertheless, if their behavior is unacceptable to you, you must be confident and assert yourself. You cannot set a boundary and then apologize or rationalize it to others -- this sends a mixed message which might enable others to take advantage later. You can be respectful of the fact that some may not agree with your boundaries, but stay true to yourself. You have the right to be treated with respect. If people still don't respect your boundaries, you may have to put distance between yourself and them, possibly end the relationship or even pursue legal options if the other person still doesn't respect your rights.

Step 5. Establish a support system. This should be made up of people who do care about you, and who are willing to respect your boundaries. Healthy relationships with friends, family, and other people whose jobs are to care for you will make you stronger and more confident in yourself. Eliminate disrespectful, controlling, or abusive people from your life. Make more room for relationships with people who are caring and respectful.

Step 6.  Grow and evolve.  These changes may be uncomfortable or even scary for you at first.  But just keep in mind that you're doing this to improve the overall quality of your life, so some unpleasant backlash may be necessary for this growth.  Protecting yourself with healthy boundaries can enhance your relationships, boost your self-confidence, and radiate outward to inspire other positive changes in your life as well.

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships Video

For those of you who are following my series on healthy boundaries, I have created this video as a companion piece to the first article.  In this video, the concept of boundaries is explored and further defined.  You will also learn the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy ones, as well as to determine if your boundaries are too rigid or too loose.

Also, remember that the most important thing about boundaries is that they help keep you safe.  No one can set or enforce those boundaries but YOU.  Protect yourself -- LOVE yourself -- you deserve it!

Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships

Having strong but reasonable personal boundaries can be the cornerstone of having healthy, positive relationships with other people. Conversely, having unhealthy or weak boundaries can contribute to negative relationships. Through the creation of healthy and clear personal boundaries, we are establishing important parts of our identity and showing others what we're actually about. In order for this to happen, it's vital to understand what everyone needs, as well as what the rights and feelings are of everyone involved -- including yourself.

Everyone has a story. We all come from somewhere. While our backgrounds can be very different, it can be said that those of us who come from a dysfunctional environment often have less exposure to boundaries that are healthy and reasonable. Learning how to create and maintain healthy boundaries is a vital part of being a healthy, well-cetnered individual. Creating these boundaries begins with addressing other issues, such as cultivating a higher self-image and to combat apathy. We must learn how to recognize and address our own personal rights and needs. Another important step is to take care of ourselves, within the scope of our rights and what's best for us, especially in the context of interpersonal relationships. These things may take time to get just right, but over time, when we develop a healthier outlook for ourselves, our newly established boundaries will help to keep us safe and well-protected, possibly quite unlike our childhood experiences.

Are boundaries emotional? Or can they be tangible, like a fence in your backyard? The answer is both. Physical boundaries are defined by how close we allow someone to get to us, and by whom we allow to touch us physically, as well as where and under what circumstances we allow it. Boundaries of the emotional type have more to do with how we allow our feelings to be affected by others. Emotional boundaries center around our abilities to take responsibility for our own emotional needs, as well as allowing others to be responsible for their own. Our own boundaries will sometime challenge us, but they also define who we are and what we expect out of relationships. Can we refuse an unreasonable request that we're asked? Do we feel uncomfortable just by being around someone else who is feeling upset? Do our opinions change depending on the people whose company we keep? Do we take responsibility for others' feelings, going too far to please them, while neglecting our own needs? All of these issues will depend on whether or not our emotional boundaries are healthy.

Both sets of boundaries, our emotional and physical ones, determine how we behave toward and with other people, as well as how we allow them to behave toward us. If we did not have personal boundaries, other people would be able to do whatever they wanted with us: touch or treat our possessions or even our bodies in any way they wanted. Additionally, we would be obligated to take responsibility for other people's negative or inappropriate actions, to treat other people's problems as though they were our responsibility to prevent, address, or even solve. Basically, we would have no rights, and every aspect of our lives would be impossible for us to control.

While loose boundaries are often problematic, so are boundaries which are too tough or unyielding. People who live by strict and rigid personal boundaries are likely to push other people out of their lives. They will generally not ask for help when they need it, and they don't allow others inside. These people are often perceived as cold and emotionless, because they rarely display emotions or talk about how they might feel. On the flip side, people with overly loose boundaries will touch people inappropriately, even people that they may not know very well. Those with loose boundaries might have trouble telling the difference between sex and love, and they may get too close to other people much too quickly.

There are also people who have healthy boundaries. They tend to be the most well-balanced, and do much better with social interactions than those who have issues with their boundaries. While they are able to enjoy closeness with those who are special to them, and to accept help when they are truly in need of it, they also respect other people's rights, feelings, and positions. They also take responsibility for their own actions, and allow others to do the same. People with healthy boundaries are more able to compromise, to understand other people's feelings, and they generally have better self-esteem than those with unhealthy boundaries. Often, they are more comfortable with themselves, and also more able to make others feel good around them. Because they respect themselves and also the boundaries of other people, they can enjoy much richer and more fulfilling relationships with other people who respect their boundaries.

What about people who have boundaries that are less than healthy? Well, if yours need a bit of work, you can always improve them. While it may seem scary or uncomfortable at first when you start, remember that this is a vital part in taking care of yourself, and protecting yourself in a way that only you can do. Many people who grew up in dysfunctional, or even abusive, situations have developed survival skills which have hindered the development of healthy boundaries. For example, you may have trouble expressing anger, fear, or other unpleasant emotions, because it may not have been acceptable in the environment in which you were raised, even if the abusive actions of others were what caused the pain or anger. Therefore, in adulthood, it may be uncomfortable and difficult to construct healthy boundaries because of the past, however it is possible for you to work through those emotions and establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself. It won't happen overnight, and may take some time to get right, but it's never too late to start. And even small improvements can help you to live a happier, healhier, and richer life.

Calcite Crystals & Magickal Properties for Healing

Gemstone therapy is the use of crystals and gems for the betterment of one's life.  Throughout the ages, civilizations across the world have utilized precious stones to enhance their physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being.  The energy of each stone is different, and each energy can have an effect on the mind, spirit, or body.  Methods can vary between cultures, but the basic premise is that when one comes into contact with a crystal, these transformations can happen subtly over time.  Therefore, in order to gain the benefits from these crystals, it is vital to choose your gemstones carefully.

Calcite's physical properties make it a very interesting choice as a therapeutic crystal.  Calcite crystals are of a softer variety which are found in all types of colors -- red, yellow, green, blue, brown, black, grey, or white -- and many variations on these shades as well!  Calcium carbonate, also known as calcite, is a major component in limestone and chalk, as well as marble, which is just calcite which has been re-crystallized.  Under pressure, calcite stones release electrical energy.


The magickal properties of calcite crystals are varied and can be used for many purposes.  Calcite's reputation is that of a very spiritual type of stone, and is associated with the higher form of consciousness; thus, it is also reputed to aid in astral projection and out-of-body experiences. 

Each form of calcite has its own specific magickal properties.  Because calcium is a primary component, this stone is often felt to be of therapeutic use for joints and bones, and is therefore used by athletes and people who have physically demanding jobs.  Calcite can also contribute to the development and growth of the physical body, especially the bones and joints.  There is also an old belief that calcite, when ground and combined with creams, oils, or petroleum jelly, it can be used as a balm to treat inflammation or infections.

Calcite can also have varying attributes based on its color.  For example...

Red and pink calcites can be of great benefit in bringing love, understanding, compassion, and patience into one's being.  Associated with the heart chakra, stones in pinks and reds can also ease mental unrest or anxiety, or people who are experiencing spiritual crises.

Orange calcite is associated with the sacral chakra (i.e. the spleen) and can help uplift one's general mood.  Orange promotes happiness, joy, and good humor.  It is an uplifting stone which is good for grieving, depression, or stress.

Calcites in yellows and golds are good for help in meditation, being that these colors are often associatd with the sun.  These hues can also help to aid the bones and the skin, and also in detoxification of the spleen, pancreas, and the kidneys.

Green calcite crystals of all shades are wonderful for affecting change in one's life.  Not only are green calcites allgedly helpful in removing impurities from the body, they can also help someone transform a negative situation into a more positive one.  It can also alleviate anxiety or fear.  This is a wonderful crystal for helping to really change bad situations into your life, and to "make lemonade" from all of those negative things that life throws at you! :)

Calcites in blues are associated with the throat chakra.  It can protect you and help tough situations from getting worse.  Physically it can be used to treat conditions which are degenerative, such as degenerative disc disease, arthritis, and other degenerative illnesses.

White and clear calcite crystals can help someone improve communication and envisioning new aspects of their lives.  It can be instrumental in cleansing the body and removing toxins from the outer parts of the body.  It can also assist in providing mental clarity, particularly when the stone is implemented during meditation.  When a predicament is especially difficult, white and clear crystals of all types can help to open you to new possibilities and clarity.

Astrological Compatibility Chart

This weekend, I constructed a basic chart for compatibilities based on astrological sun signs.  This is some very simple, basic compatibility data.  For best results, I'd recommend checking the natal charts of yourself and the person you're analyzing.  Even so, this is a nice quick-and-dirty bit of information that may help you learn a bit about yourself and someone else.  (Note: I may even make a YouTube companion video for the chart -- we shall see!)  To see the chart in a larger format, just click on it below.

1.  Hearts.  Generally a great dynamic with lots of attraction.  Called "conjunct" by astrologists everywhere, it is a dynamic that is very beneficial because you can understand one another quite well: your likes, dislikes, and values will very likely be quite similar.  Sometimes this can cause friction, since occasionally people who are extremely alike may annoy one another and know how to push one another's buttons; however, in any case, these people will often have an innate knowledge and understanding of one another.  Love 'em or hate 'em, this often proves to be a very emotionally intense relationship.  Includes:  Aries and Aries, Taurus and Taurus, Gemini and Gemini, Cancer and Cancer, Leo and Leo, Virgo and Virgo, Libra and Libra, Scorpio and Scorpio, Sagittarius and Sagittarius, Capricorn and Capricorn, Aquarius and Aquarius, Pisces and Pisces.

2.  Thumbs-Up.  You've got similarities and complimentary styles.  These dynamics are "trine" and often quite positive for friendships, romances, and family relations.  While there are enough differences in, say, execution and expression of personal style, many values will remain similar between the two of you.  This is often a very respectful and close partnership where both people can feel an instant connection.  Includes:  Aries and Leo, Aries and Sagittarius, Taurus and Virgo, Taurus and Capricorn, Gemini and Libra, Gemini and Aquarius, Cancer and Scorpio, Cancer and Pisces, Leo and Aries, Leo and Sagittarius, Virgo and Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn, Scorpio and Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces, Sagittarius and Aries, Sagittarius and Cancer, Capricorn and Taurus, Capricorn and Virgo, Aquarius and Gemini, Aquarius and Libra, Pisces and Cancer, Pisces and Scorpio.

3.  Peace Sign.  Called a "sextile," these are signs which have complimentary elements that "feed" off of one another's differences.  You and the other person may not be similar in a lot of ways, but you genuinely like and respect one another.  This makes for a very interesting partnership and it can help you learn a lot about yourself, as well as appreciate the differences that other people have to offer.  Great for collaborations, and also makes for very interesting friendships and romances. Signs which are sextile include:  Aries and Gemini, Aries and Aquarius, Taurus and Cancer, Taurus and Pisces, Gemini and Aries, Gemini and Leo, Cancer and Virgo, Cancer and Taurus, Leo and Gemini, Leo and Libra, Virgo and Cancer, Virgo and Scorpio, Libra and Leo, Libra and Sagittarius, Scorpio and Virgo, Scorpio and Capricorn, Sagittarius and Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius, Capricorn and Scorpio, Capricorn and Pisces, Aquarius and Sagittarius, Aquarius and Aries.


4.  Swirly Arrow-Circle Thing.  These are known as "opposition signs" because they are at a perfect 180 degrees apart in the zodiac -- and yes, opposites do attract!  While there can often be an extreme and intense attraction between these two signs, it can also be a very trying dynamic.  Dealing with someone who is so different than you can be wonderful and intriguing, yet also dramatic and frustrating at the same time.  It takes two very special opposition parties to overcome the differences and see them through to get to the other side -- if and when this happens, your relationship can be a match made in heaven!  This compatibility includes:  Aries and Libra, Taurus and Scorpio, Gemini and Sagittarius, Cancer and Capricorn, Leo and Aquarius, Virgo and Pisces, Libra and Aries, Scorpio and Taurus, Sagittarius and Gemini, Capricorn and Cancer, Aquarius and Leo, Pisces and Virgo.

5. Purple Smiley.  This is known as a "semi-square," which can create some tension since these placements will fall either before or after your sign.  While this can prove to be tough going for some relationships where emotions run high (such as a romantic or family dynamic), it can often be the basis for great friendships regardless of the differences which are present in those signs.  Often this makes a good alliance for people who have similar goals, and there can also be a lot of complimentary input and ideas coming from both sides.  While there are differences, the parties involved can often seen one another's point of view with a bit of extra effort in communication, and the relationship which results from this hard work can be very fruitful indeed.  Signs with this aspect include:  Aries and Pisces, Aries and Taurus, Taurus and Aries, Taurus and Gemini, Gemini and Taurus, Gemini and Cancer, Cancer and Gemini, Cancer and Leo, Leo and Cancer, Leo and Virgo, Virgo and Leo, Virgo and Libra, Libra and Virgo, Libra and Scorpio, Scorpio and Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius, Sagittarius and Scorpio, Sagittarius and Capricorn, Capricorn and Sagittarius, Capricorn and Aquarius, Aquarius and Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces, Pisces and Aquarius, Pisces and Aries.

6.   Grey "Ehh..." Smiley.  It is formally known as a "quincunx" or, sometimes informally, called an "inconjunct."  This indicates a separation of about 150 degrees, both before and after a sign's opposite.  Often there is little attraction between these signs, and sometimes even what one may consider "bad chemistry."  There are often few similarities in personality or values, and frequently one sees differences and areas where criticism can pop into the picture.  In the best of cases, this dynamic may ultimately elicit boredom, and in the worst of cases, a lot of stress and headaches for all parties involved.  Placements include:  Aries and Virgo, Aries and Scorpio, Taurus and Libra, Taurus and Sagittarius, Gemini and Scorpio, Gemini and Capricorn, Cancer and Sagittarius, Cancer and Aquarius, Leo and Capricorn, Leo and Pisces, Scorpio and Aries, Scorpio and Aquarius, Libra and Taurus, Libra and Pisces, Virgo and Aries, Virgo and Aquarius, Leo and Pisces, Leo and Capricorn, Virgo and Aries, Virgo and Gemini, Libra and Taurus, Libra and Pisces, Scorpio and Aries, Scorpio and Aquarius, Sagittarius and Taurus, Sagittarius and Cancer, Capricorn and Gemini, Capricorn and Leo, Aquarius and Cancer, Aquarius and Virgo, Pisces and Leo, Pisces and Libra.

7.  Thumbs-Down.  Astrologists call this aspect a "square" as these are the signs which are 90 degrees apart from one another.  These signs often suffer a very disjointed relationship with one another.  Communication can be difficult, values and outlooks on the world may be very contrasting and also too difficult to understand.  Often we find ourselves attracted to those who "square" us, yet the clashes and upheavals which come from a lack of understanding can make this dynamic challenging at best, and just unbelievably crappy at worst.  Proceed with extreme caution!  This aspect includes the following signs:  Aries and Cancer, Aries and Capricorn, Taurus and Leo, Taurus and Aquarius, Gemini and Virgo, Gemini and Pisces, Cancer and Aries, Cancer and Libra, Leo and Taurus, Leo and Scorpio, Virgo and Gemini, Virgo and Sagittarius, Libra and Cancer, Libra and Capricorn, Scorpio and Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius, Sagittarius and Virgo, Sagittarius and Pisces, Capricorn and Aries, Capricorn and Libra, Aquarius and Taurus, Aquarius and Scorpio, Pisces and Sagittarius, Pisces and Gemini.

How to Become More Psychic

Have you ever experienced occasions where something happened that seemed coincidental, yet you had a funny feeling that there might have been more to it than that? Perhaps your intuition was speaking to you... it’s possible that those feelings were the kernels of your own psychic potential, ready to be planted.

A person’s extrasensory powers are quite like the pieces of a puzzle. If you focus your attention on the puzzle as a whole, you can see the big picture every easily and clearly. However, if you zoom in, and focus only on a few pieces at a time, you will notice smaller details which may have escaped your attention before. This is very much the same way that your psychic ability can be cultivated; when you zoom in and take a look at the details on each small piece of any given puzzle, you will be picking up more information and insight from inside yourself as well.

There are also ways to cultivate use of your sixth sense in natural, healthy ways. The first way is to take the time to absorb the aspects of your other senses. Be sure to experience each and every part of the world around you -- what you see, hear, feel, smell, taste, and touch. If a feeling or image comes to your mind as you do this, be accepting of it,. Allow yourself to become immersed in these impressions. Try to focus on each image or feeling that comes to you; explore how these make you feel or what else they make you think about.

Another great way to enhance your psychic abilities is to take everyday activities, and learn how to do them in new and different ways. Try to concentrate less on completing those everyday goals, and more on flexing your mental muscles by doing those activities through unfamiliar or challenging new methods. Try something unusual and different -- this will stimulate your mind and allow you to use parts of it which may not be used to functioning in this way. It’s great mental exercise which can help your overall well-being as well as aid in the expansion of your extrasensory horizons.

And finally, another way to get those psychic juices flowing is to keep learning and be creative. Introduce yourself not just to new ways of doing your usual activities, but also experiencing new things in general. Theta waves, the brain waves that measure creativity and spirituality, can flow more prolifically when new and different scenarios are experienced. In order to harness the power of your theta waves, make it your business to absorb as much new information as you can. You’ll experience more creativity and clarity as well -- these things in and of themselves can skyrocket your psychic potential.

Remember that your brain is a muscle, and like all part of your body, needs exercise to function at its best. Here are a few more ideas to help you flex those mental muscles.

1. Meet new people. Talk to all sorts of new people, even if you believe that you may have nothing in common with them. Chances are that you’ll learn something interesting.

2. Travel. Feast your eyes on some new and unusual sights that you’ve never experienced.

3. Stimulate your palate with food that you’ve never tried before. A novel and exotic experience can be had on a plate right in front of you.

4. Listen to your instincts. Try to rise to the small challenges in life by way of your intuition or hunches. Trust yourself. You may just be right!

5. Chart a new course. Instead of going to work, school, or your favorite shopping area the same old way, try finding a new direction. Mixing up your routine will be freeing and creatively fruitful.

The development of your psychic abilities can be as natural as learning any new habits for your health. Just as the health of your physical body is important, so is the health of your mind. Each of these give you the skills to reach your highest capabilities, to forge ahead and to reach the fullest potential of your life. Cultivate your extrasensory abilities slowly and carefully, by just allowing yourself to experience each moment naturally through all of your senses. In this way, you will also gradually harness the power of that sixth sense as well.