How to Cut Toxic People & Negative Friends Out of Your Life

Connections with other people are one of life's greatest joys. Interacting with those that you love and who love you can make the difference between an awful day and an amazing one.

However, we all have people in our lives who are less than perfect. In fact, no one in this world is perfect! There will be times when our best friends, loved ones, and life partners will have bad days. They might grumble, they might be negative, or they may even be snarky and mean to us. Or, we might be the ones who are feeling negative, and will do the same to other people. This is normal and natural -- everyone has good days and bad. If we love each other, we'll put up with it, because the bad is often outweighed by the good.

But there are also people who don't quite fit this mold. You know the types I'm talking about -- the drama queens, the judgmental jerks, the negativity sinks, the time wasters, negative friends, and the users. (I have a book about emotional vampires, which you can peruse here, which goes into greater depth about the types of emotional vampires that we deal with on a day to day basis.) When you care about someone, but they are depleting you, perhaps it's time to have a heart-to-hear with them about what's going on. It is okay to speak up and explain to your negative friends when your needs aren't getting met. Don't assume that you're being selfish just because you're standing up for yourself and your own well-being. (Also… here's a radical thought: What's so wrong with being a bit selfish now and again, anyway?) Dump that toxic friend! You do not need to spend time with someone who's draining away your energy.

If you've already had these conversations with those negative friends, and you're still searching for ways to end a friendship gracefully, chances are that your needs are still not being met. I'm assuming that you've already taken a good, long look at the friendship, including the parts that you had played in your dealings with this emotional vampire.

You may be feeling as though you've tried all of the solutions that you can -- speaking from the heart, setting limits, enforcing boundaries, or saying "no" once in awhile, only to continue to be met with disrespect, negativity, or a lack of reciprocity. It's now time for you to cut this toxic friendship from your life, so that you can invest that time in focusing on bigger and better things.

There are two ways that you can go about this: The easy way (which is often harder!), and the hard way (which is often easier!). Either can be effective; it simply depends on the type of negative person you are cutting out of your life.

The easy one has one basic step: Just cut them out. Quit calling or texting them. Stop taking their calls, unfriend them online, quit inviting them to your functions, and stop going to theirs. If you have mutual friends, you must also resist the temptation to talk about them with those friends. The drawback of this is that there could be some backlash, particularly if you're close. However, if this "friend" has done an egregious thing to you, betrayed a major trust, or committed some significant act of betrayal, it may be the way to go.

The hard way involves keeping the negative friend in your life. However, you'll simply be spending less time with them. (I must admit, I've done this method before! It works!) This method is much better for people that you do like, but are just too difficult to be around all the time. Maybe they're very high-maintenance, very negative, or just really different from you in uncomfortable ways. Perhaps they don't respect your boundaries and don't seem to respond well to discussions or other attempts to correct it. However, if they genuinely mean well and are not going out of their way to hurt you, the "hard way" is worth a try. It will take a lot more time, but will also be much easier on your friendship. Encourage this person to branch out and do new things -- this way, there'll be less time for them to bug you. ;) Pare down your communication: for example, if you speak on the phone every day or two, try cutting down to a couple times a week. If you hang out every week, try canceling from time to time and see if you can get it down to a couple of times a month. Make a plan to reduce the amount of time that you spend with him or her. Write it down on your calendar if you need to, but stick to the plan. On the occasions that you do talk or hang out, keep things positive and cordial. I'd also recommend that, during any conversation that you do have, you try to insert details about things that are keeping you so busy -- talk about your kids, your job, any hobbies or interests or obligations which might take up your time. You don't need to complain about these types of things (unless they truly are driving you nuts!), but making sure to acknowledge them will help take the edge off with your friend.

If you have mutual friends, and you try the above method, you may be required to spend time with this person anyway. That's okay! Sometimes being in a group with the toxic person can make things a lot more palatable. You'll both have other people to talk with, and you can even spend time together in a more controlled setting.

A few words of caution: If you're trying valiantly to keep things civil and the other person is not being accepting of the way things are, things could get dicey. Try the following phrases to diffuse tension:

"I understand."

"I'm sorry."

"Let's talk about this later, when we've both had time to calm down."

Whether you actually agree with the above statements is not the point. Diffusing a tough situation is the name of the game. Anyone who is going to throw tantrums, though, might need you to revert back to "the easy method."

Does this technique sound passive-aggressive? I know that some aspects of it certainly are. However, when you're dealing with an emotional vampire, sometimes it's much easier to do things gently as it helps to minimize the drama which is the emotional vampire's lifeblood. It also helps to preserve your sanity, as well.

Having an Awesome Life, Lesson #11: Do What You Love

This lesson sounds way too simple to be true -- but it is!  If you're anything like the rest of the world, you have little things that you secretly love.  Those guilty little pleasures that you'd rather die than admit to, but secretly, you're loving every nasty little second of it.

I'm talking about things like the secret way that you sing in the shower, or dance in the bathroom when no one's around.  Or the illicit thrill you get when flipping through the TV channels, and you come across a tacky talk-show or a really bizarre movie that you're way to "cool" to admit to loving.

Why not embrace those little quirks that you try so hard to deny?  There is nothing wrong with doing what you love, and being proud of it.  Even if you consider those loves to be too trivial, too silly, or too out of character -- so what?  You need to make time in your life for a bit of levity and fun.  Not every second of your life has to be dedicated solely to accomplishing goals and achieving successes.  You need to make time to appreciate the simple, fun, and enjoyable things as well. 

Pursue happiness wherever it pleases you.  Remember how things where when you were a child, chasing fun and frivolity when the mood strikes.  Balancing work and play can make your life much happier, much more productive, and much more awesome!

Having an Awesome Life, Lesson #10: The Ecstasy of Stillness and Silence

In your quest for awesomeness, you might want to spring up out of your chair and shout, "Let's go!"  You are motivated to change, to do, to accomplish.

These are wonderful notions for enjoying the potential awesomeness of your life!  When you're unhappy with the way things are going in your life, moving against the current can often help to turn the tide.

But what about going with the flow?  There's a lot to be said for simply sitting down, getting quiet, listening, thinking, and meditating.  Take some time each day to enjoy the still, quiet, and gentle times when you're at rest.  Use this time to dream, to contemplate where you're going as well as where you have been.  Those goals deserve some time and thought, so give them a bit of attention as you relax and indulge in a dream or two.

Learning and practicing meditation, prayer, or even quiet time for thinking can also improve your world by leaps and bounds.  In this busy and fast-paced life that we're all living, it is imperative that we find ways to rest, regenerate, and recharge our batteries.  So don't be afraid to get still.  Revel in the motions of the world and your place within it.

Having an Awesome Life, Lesson #9: The Miracles of Kindness

Are you feeling depressed?  Bogged down by your problems?  Annoyed at just about everyone else in the world?  Maybe it seems like others have an easier, funner, better life.  Perhaps you're feeling bored, stuck in a rut, or just plain inadequate.  Maybe you have no idea what direction your life should be taking.  What can you do then, you might ask.

The secret to this is actually very simple.  If you're having trouble getting your own life to the place where you want it -- whether you've lost your way, or feel at a loose end -- you can find a way to feel better in a snap.  Try showing some kindness to others!

Helping other people can give you a whole new lease on life.  It can make you feel like a hero, because that's just what you'll be.  It can help to eliminate boredom, because it will give you plenty to do and lots of satisfaction with doing it.  You will always have something on the agenda if you try volunteering for something, doing charity work, and connecting with people who share your values.  Helping other people can also make your problems seem really small and much easier to handle than they do now; by focusing on others and seeing issues that are truly devastating, it makes your complaints about the annoying co-worker who chews with his mouth open a lot more trivial and manageable.

Remember that you don't need to go running off to your nearest non-profit organization in order to help someone.  Flip through your mental inventory of loved ones, friends, family, and neighbors.  How about shoveling the snow off of your neighbor's car while you're doing your own?  Next time you're making dinner, throw twice as much in the pot to cook and take some over to a friend who's too busy or tired to make some for herself.  Offer to do some errands for that sick relative.  Even spending a few minutes to help make someone else's day a little better can do wonders for them as well as for you.

Best of all, you will get so much personal satisfaction out of helping other people.  It's better than the self-esteem boost, the extra activity, and the inner makeover of your own issues.  The great feeling that you'll get from being one of the good guys, and from seeing others benefit from your efforts, is one of the most awesome things you can experience.  And that will carry over to some serious awesome life points!

Does God Exist?

Regardless of your faith -- take a moment to imagine that God does not exist.  (If you are an atheist, this should be easy!)  Envision our lives as simply... being here.  We are born, be live, and we pass into oblivion.  The rest of civilization continues long after us; they carry the memory of us for a time.  Our genetics are passed down, but other than that, we ourselves are gone forever.

And now, ask yourself... is that really so bad?  Would our lives cease to be meaningful?  Would we love one another any less?  Would our lives be less of a struggle than before?  Would we care more or less about our lives?

Perhaps some of our ideas may shift.  Without thought of a Hell as punishment or a Heaven as reward, some of our behaviors would likely change a bit.  We may find that we live more in the moment with our behavior, our words, and our thoughts.  We may realize that instead of looking to the heavens for consequences, we can find those rewards and punishments here on earth, with our lives being created in the image of our own personal heaven or hell.  Instead of looking to God for help or being annoyed with God when live isn't up to our own expectations, we would look inside ourselves.  And the power to change our situations would exist solely within us.

Instead of blaming God for the things that go wrong in your life, try taking responsibility for your actions and situations in life.  Look around; are there things about this world that bother you?   Awful things happen every day, to so many people.  You have the power to change a part of the world, however small that part is.  Instead of blaming God, or expecting God to pick up the slack, try jumping in and helping.

Don't wait for heaven.  Create a heaven in your own lifetime.  Be good to others.  Use the powers you have been blessed with, to create change when you see a wrong that is in need of correction. Enjoy every second of your time on earth.  Love those around you.

Whether or not you believe in the existence of God is not the issue.  What is the issue, is how you choose to live your life.  Regardless of how we came to be on this planet, here we are.  This is our home, and it is our responsibility to take care of it as well as to show positive regard for those who share our home.

You can begin anytime.  You must understand that, regardless of your beliefs, that concept of God does exist.  God lives within you and me, and everyone else.  God is that perfect, loving part inside your heart that wants to do the most good possible, and to believe in the goodness of our fellow humans.  Honor that part within yourself and others by creating positive changes in the world around you.  Change happens slowly and starts small.  But it can begin with you.

How To Deal With the Loss of a Pet

Here's a picture of my beloved Clovis, who will have been gone for 10 years today.  She was my first bunny, and I can't tell you how much I lover her still.  What an amazing girl she was!  She was only 4 pounds, but this Holland Lop taught me about bunnies, and a lot about myself too.  Even now, I know she's watching over me from the beyond.

Not everyone can understand how it feels to lose a cherished pet.  Whether you're experiencing with the loss of your cat, trying to handle the death of your dog, or dealing with losing another pet who has passed away, the shock of grief can be surprising to you.  Perhaps you did not expect this loss to affect you the way it is doing.  However, many people across the world have experienced this pain.  You're not alone.  We all need a hand in dealing with our pain sometimes.  Here are a few tips to help you get through this difficult time.  

Give yourself ample time to grieve.  This cannot be overstated!  Folks who are not animal lovers will never understand.  Even though our pets are not humans, they are are still a part of our family.  You won't feel better overnight, so allow yourself a few days to get over the initial shock and grief.  If you can take a day or two off of work, go for it.  Take a "mental health day" or two if you feel that you need it.  Give yourself a bit of time to feel your emotions and to adjust.

Talk with others who will understand.  Not everyone is going to acknowledge that your pet is worth mourning.  I still remember when my favorite rat, who had lived almost 3 years, passed suddenly when I was across the country.  I got the phone call from my brother, and later when my great-grandmother called me to see how I was doing, she said "You shouldn't feel that way about an animal."  (I loved my Gram dearly, but she just wasn't an animal person!)  When Clovis was ill in the hospital, one of my in-laws told me not to worry, I can just buy a "Clovis #2" if she didn't make it.  Neither of these statements were meant to make me feel bad; they both came from people who love me!  But some folks will get it, and some won't.  It's a lot better to talk about your pet (and your feelings) with those who do get it.  Anything less will just make you feel worse, belittle your feelings (unintentionally, I'm sure!), and just piss you off unnecessarily.  

Share the memories with folks who knew your pet.  This is a common healing technique that people often use with their kids, when a beloved dog or cat dies.  But why limit it to young people, when it can be beneficial to just about anyone?  Talk about the good times.  Remember the funny things that your cat used to do.  Talk about how cute your dog was when you first brought him home.  Look at pictures, tell stories, and enjoy the stroll down memory lane.  Remembering is a wonderful way to begin healing after the loss of your pet.

Keep their things close by.  You'd think that this might make it hurt more, but in those first days after your pet dies, having their toys, their special blankie, or their other important items near can actually be comforting to you.  Over time, you may want to start boxing up their things.  Toss some of them if and when you feel ready.  You can also donate things that are still good, or maybe just save their things.  I still have Clovis's "bunny bed" (it was actually a small dog bed that she'd snooze on in the living room sometimes), and her soft stuffed carrot that squeaks -- a full decade later!  I also have my Seamus's "cone of shame" from the bunny vet.  I don't think I'll ever give them away.  Right now, they're in my storage space, but it feels nice just knowing I can visit them whenever I feel the need.

When you're feeling ready, adopt a new pet!  I know you'd feel like you're "cheating" on them... but after a suitable time, you may want to open your heart and home to a new dog or cat.  The loss of a pet can be traumatic and upsetting, but after your pet has died, you may find that you want to get a new one at some point.  I waited about six weeks after Clovis died; I knew that she would have wanted me to adopt a bunny who was homeless, and who needed me.  We wound up adopting two, and they were with us for seven great years!  (And after they were gone, we adopted two more bunnies!)  Knowing Clovis gave 4 other bunnies the chance to be adopted and loved!  When your pet dies, try to think of what would do the best good.  Taking that into consideration can help you to make the right decision.

Worse Things Than Being Alone

I've been writing eBooks lately, based on some of the relationship nightmares that I've been hearing about.  When we look around and see what other people are experiencing, it's easy to feel lucky that we've got the problems that we have!

Sometimes, we put up with someone who mistreats us or doesn't respect our rights.  Some people say that even a bad relationship is better than having none at all; the loneliness is too frightening to face for some.  This may prompt those people to remain in a relationship that is unhealthy, negative, or even damaging to them.


Here's a list of things that are worse than being alone.  If your mate does any of the things on this list, it may be time to take control of your own life, to let go of the relationship, and enjoy the freedom of being alone -- without having to worry about being mistreated by someone who doesn't deserve you!


1. Being in a relationship with someone who uses you.
2. Being in a relationship with someone who lies to you.
3. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.
4. Being in a relationship with someone who expects you to do everything for them.
5. Being in a relationship with someone who demeans you.
6. Being in a relationship with someone who belittles you.
7. Being in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets from you.
8. Being in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful.
9. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your problems.
10. Being in a relationship with someone who emotionally abuses you.
11. Being in a relationship with someone who physically abuses you.
12. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel worthless.
13. Being in a relationship with someone who physically violates you.
14. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to control you.
15. Being in a relationship with someone who forces you to do things that you don't want to do.
16. Being in a relationship with someone who kicks you when you're down.
17. Being in a relationship with someone who has a problem with anger.
18. Being in a relationship with someone who takes their troubles out on you.
19. Being in a relationship with someone who has addiction issues and will not get help.
20. Being in a relationship with someone who values everything else above their relationship with you.
21. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
22. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you with violence.
23. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.
24. Being in a relationship with someone who cheats on you.
25. Being in a relationship with someone who manipulates you.
26. Being in a relationship with someone who plays mind games with you.
27. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect your personal space.
28. Being in a relationship with someone who feels no remorse for hurting you.
29. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you.
30. Being in a relationship with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you.
31. Being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction that is out of control.
32. Being in a relationship with someone who has problems for which he is unwilling to get help.
33. Being in a relationship with someone who does not take responsibility for his actions.
34. Being in a relationship with someone who blames you for all of his failures.
35. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel unsafe.
36. Being in a relationship with someone who uses you.
37. Being in a relationship with someone who lies to you.
38. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.
39. Being in a relationship with someone who expects you to do everything for them.
40. Being in a relationship with someone who demeans you.
41. Being in a relationship with someone who belittles you.
42. Being in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets from you.
43. Being in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful.
44. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your problems.
45. Being in a relationship with someone who emotionally abuses you.
46. Being in a relationship with someone who physically abuses you.
47. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel worthless.
48. Being in a relationship with someone who physically violates you.
49. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to control you.
50. Being in a relationship with someone who forces you to do things that you don't want to do.
51. Being in a relationship with someone who kicks you when you're down.
52. Being in a relationship with someone who has a problem with anger.
53. Being in a relationship with someone who takes their troubles out on you.
54. Being in a relationship with someone who has addiction issues and will not get help.
55. Being in a relationship with someone who values everything else above their relationship with you.
56. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
57. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you with violence.
58. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you.
59. Being in a relationship with someone who cheats on you.
60. Being in a relationship with someone who manipulates you.
61. Being in a relationship with someone who plays mind games with you.
62. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect your personal space.
63. Being in a relationship with someone who feels no remorse for hurting you.
64. Being in a relationship with someone who threatens you.
65. Being in a relationship with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you.
66. Being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction that is out of control.
67. Being in a relationship with someone who has problems for which he is unwilling to get help.
68. Being in a relationship with someone who does not take responsibility for his actions.
69. Being in a relationship with someone who blames you for all of his failures.
70. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel unsafe.
71. Being in a relationship with someone who has sex with you against your will.
72. Being in a relationship with someone who seems fine in public, but lashes out at you privately.
73. Being in a relationship with someone who mistreats your children.
74. Being in a relationship with someone who isolates you from friends or family.
75. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to keep you down.
76. Being in a relationship with someone who steals from you.
77. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect what is important to you.
78. Being in a relationship with someone who makes promises and never keeps them.
79. Being in a relationship with someone who treats you like an object instead of like a person.
80. Being in a relationship with someone who takes more than he gives back.
81. Being in a relationship with someone who does things to upset you on purpose.
82. Being in a relationship with someone who you can never depend on.
83. Being in a relationship with someone who has sex with you against your will.
84. Being in a relationship with someone who seems fine in public, but lashes out at you privately.
85. Being in a relationship with someone who mistreats your children.
86. Being in a relationship with someone who isolates you from friends or family.
87. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to keep you down.
88. Being in a relationship with someone who steals from you.
89. Being in a relationship with someone who does not respect what is important to you.
90. Being in a relationship with someone who makes promises and never keeps them.
91. Being in a relationship with someone who treats you like an object instead of like a person.
92. Being in a relationship with someone who takes more than he gives back.
93. Being in a relationship with someone who does things to upset you on purpose.
94. Being in a relationship with someone who does not value you.
95. Being in a relationship with someone whom you cannot trust.
96. Being in a relationship with someone who intimidates you in order to get what he wants.
97. Being in a relationship with someone who tries to minimize your achievements.
98. Being in a relationship with someone who ignores your basic needs.
99. Being in a relationship with someone who does not recognize your rights as a human being.
100. Being in a relationship with someone who has any of the issues above -- yet doesn’t have any interest in doing something about them.




Photo source:  Screaming guy photo by crosathorian.  Woman photo is public domain.

Erotomania: Is It Real?

I drew this picture of Jenna Elfman as
Ellena Roberts, wearing an orange prison
jumpsuit.  I love drawing with PhotoShop!

If you're at all familiar with the Lifetime movie "Obsessed," you must be wondering about the details of erotomania.  The therapist in the movie described it as "a condition where one believes that one is loved by someone, when in fact, one is not."  That is just the tip of the iceberg.

It is a type of mental health disorder where the person believes that someone else -- often a stranger, and usually a celebrity or person of high status -- is in love with him or her.  Patients will often manifest an entire relationship that exists solely in their own minds.  The disorder occurs in people who have bipolar disorder during mania, schizophrenia, a psychosis of some type, or a disorder involving delusions.

When a person experiences an episode of erotomania, he or she often interprets the actions of their "love interest" as directed solely at him or her.  The "love interest" may, in the erotomaniac's opinion, be sending them secret messages via actions, gestures, or facial expressions, as well as messages via regular media.  The erotomaniac may also return this imaginary affection through contacting the love interest, through calling, emailing, sending gifts, or even visiting the love interest.  

Although these gestures are not expected or wanted, the love interest's denial of this "relationship" is often viewed by the erotomaniac as some type of scheme to conceal their relationship from the public.

In "Obsessed," the main character, Ellena Roberts, was erotomaniacally obsessed with Dr. David Stillman, a renowned surgeon that she pursued relentlessly.  Toward the beginning of the movie, the viewer is lead to believe that their relationship is real but clandestine, as Dr. Stillman is married and a very public, well-known physician.  As the movie progresses, we begin to understand the depth of Ellena's madness.  Her delusions and compulsions extend far beyond simply Dr. Stillman, and in fact are seen as not just a nuisance, but a potential threat to the safety of others if left unchecked.

The movie, "Obsessed" is, in fact,  based on the true story of Diane Schaefer who stalked Dr. Murray Brennan, chief surgeon at Sloan-Kettering in New York City, for about eight years.  She sent him letters, called his home and his office, brought gifts, and even managed to sneak into his home to greet him in a see-through negligee.  Although the fictional Ellena Roberts (who is played by Jenna Elfman) never threatened to harm her doctor in any way, the real Diane Schaefer is quoted as saying to Dr. Murray: "I can't live while you're alive on this earth.  I am going to kill you!  Kill you, or kill myself -- I am degraded by your being alive."

Vedic Astrology for Potential Love Matches

Astrology involves studying the aspects of stars, planets, and other bodies in space with the belief that these celestial bodies can guide occurrences and human traits here on earth. Astrological forecasts can be utilized in order to predict various things within our lives; our livelihoods, our fortunes, even our loves and friends can be determined through astrology. Astrological predictions can help to steer you in the pathway of success. The effect on celestial movements in our day-to-day living can't necessarily be dismissed. There are millions of people using astrology to help them every day.

Some people even use astrology to determine whom they should marry. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people, and although divorce rates are high, most of us take our marriages seriously as an important part of life. However, it can be very difficult to find the right woman or man who can unite with your body, heart, and soul. Astrology can help you to find the right person, though. Folks can use astrology to determine how compatible two people might be. In India, people use Hindu Astrology (or Vedic Astrology) to determine which people are best suited to one another. It's a very common procedure; the astrology specialists can also help to settle on just the right time for the marriage to occur, as well as which dates should not be chosen for the wedding. A bride or groom's natal chart and horoscope can provide much inside information on the future, but also the present and past as well. An astrologer can also forecast where the couple's rough patches may begin or end, such as when Saturn or Venus are in bad placements for the bride and groom. Astrology can be a valuable tool in determining when breakups or divorces are most likely to happen, in order to soften the blow or avoid the breakups entirely.

In order to do a bride and groom's natal charts and compatibility assessment, the astrologer needs the birthdates, birth times, and birth locations of both people. The natal chart is cast with this information. Each planet and celestial body was in a specific position at the time of birth, so those specific locations have an effect on the bride and groom's individual personalities. The astrological information does not need to be perfectly compatible, but generalities are very important. People can also learn about one another with this information: how to communicate with them most effectively, what they are seeking in a potential partner, and which aspects of yourself that you need to work on as your marriage grows.

Stalked at 17: The Real Story of Chad Bruning's True Colors

Sometimes, abusive personalities form in people who have had less than perfect childhoods.  And of course, they can also be present in people with idyllic and perfect family lives as well.

According to a study which was done in the early 2000s, a child from an abusive home is 30% more likely to repeat the abusive actions that are done either between his or her parents, or to repeat the abuse which is done to him or her.

In "Stalked At 17," the character Chad Bruning came from a very dysfunctional and unstable home life.  His biological mother, a drug addict who had been serving prison time for theft, was so unstable that she was even willing to kidnap Chad's girlfriend and baby in order to placate her son.

But the worst issue of all is Chad himself.  Although he was raised by his mother's boss, welcomed and included into that family, he still felt a sense that something was missing.  As a result, he chose the worst possible reason for bringing a child into the world:  Because he didn't feel loved enough by the people around him.  His craving for love and control prompted him to emotionally and physically abuse and manipulate his girlfriend, Angela, as well as lie to her and conceive a child without her knowledge or consent.

It is important to remember that abuse can happen even in relationships with people as young as Chad and Angela.  Not all abusive relationships are between adults, and not all teen and young-adult relationships are innocent, carefree, and idyllic.   Although this is just a Lifetime movie which can be watched for fun, it is important to remember that even here, there are lessons to be learned about relationships.

In order to do the best for yourself, your mate, and the children that you may decide to have in the future, it is imperative that we all understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.  By educating ourselves and each other about the dangers of manipulative, controlling, or even abusive personalities, we are protecting ourselves from present and future damage.  Stay strong and be smart.  You deserve a healthy, happy relationship and a wonderful future!

P.S.  Do you like the picture?  I drew it from a 10-pixel pencil in Photoshop!  I couldn't find any public domain photos to use, so I made a little fan art.  (If anyone out there draws -- let me know, I'd love to find more for future articles!)

The Cranky Old Man

I found this on Facebook, and thought I'd share:

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old m an's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

Is the Lifetime Movie "Stalked at 17" a True Story?

The internet has been abuzz about the Lifetime movie, Stalked at 17.  Because my readers tend to be fans of media that focuses on relationships, I thought I'd answer this question once and for all.

Taylor Spreitler, who plays Angela, the victim of Chad's insane and possessive love in this movie, commented on the status of this movie through Twitter a few months back.  While she says that the movie is a composite which is "inspired by true events," it does not follow a particular case play-by-play.  Instead, it is a worst-case-scenario cautionary tale about what can happen when you allow the person you love to overstep boundaries and to take complete control of your heart, your body, and your life.

Spreitler does add that this type of dysfunctional behavior in relationships is indeed "an issue," which should be discussed more in the mainstream consciousness.  Teen relationship abuse, also known as "dating abuse" in some circles, is more prevalent than you might think.  10% of all teens have been hit, slapped, or otherwise physically harmed by their boyfriend or girlfriend.  And a whopping 25% of  teenage girls are the victims of sexual or physical abuse.  These saddening statistics might change if more light would be shined on this subject, in order to send the message that physical or sexual violence in a relationship is never okay! 

For more information, visit www.LoveIsRespect.org to learn more about healthy relationships.

Valentine's Day Spa Indulgence Ideas for Your Love!

While Valentine's Day can be fun and sensual for you and your romantic interest, you can enjoy these recipes with anyone -- have a good time with friends during your own personal at-home "spa party," or just relax and enjoy these recipes by yourself.  Here are a few ideas to pamper that "special someone" at home with a few easy spa-inspired preparations! :)

1. Make a rosewater toner using fresh rose petals! Pour a cup of boiling water over a cup of rose petals. Cover and steep the mixture until it's cool enough to handle. Strain the petals from the liquid, giving them a good squeeze to release all the yummy rose essence. Keep this in a sterilized spray bottle in the fridge for a cool pick-me-up anytime.

2. Bath salts are so easy to make! Get your favorite coffee mug, fill it halfway with any salt you happen to have around (epsom salt is great, but so is sea salt or even your standard iodized table salt!), a few pinches of baking soda, and a couple drops of your favorite essential oil. Pour this into your bath water for a purifying and enjoyable soak in the tub.

3. Take your favorite lotion and immerse the container in a sink filled with hot water for a soothing, warm massage.

4. Sugar scrub is another little treat that's sure to delight the skin when it's in need of a little exfoliation. Mix two parts sugar (white or brown) to one part olive oil. Add a few pinches of cinnamon and/or ginger from your spice rack, and voila, a luscious treatment for sexy, glowing skin!

Stalked at 17 and Your True Story

One of the searches that seems to be bringing people to my blog is the movie, Stalked at 17, which is a 2012 Lifetime movie.  The main character, Angela, winds up becoming involved with a seemingly perfect guy named Chad, who has a dark past and a tendency toward unstable, destructive behavior.

The star of Stalked at 17, Taylor Spreitler, has confirmed that Stalked at 17 was not based on a particular story; she says that it is "inspired by true events," though "not a particular one."  Spreitler does add that the movie's message has merit in the real world, despite its theatrical drama; "...it's an issue," she stated.

Stalked at 17, while not based on a specific true story, was, however inspired by some events that did actually happen.  The characters of Angela and Chad are composites which are based on a number of cases of love gone bad.  Although this is just a regular fun Lifetime movie, the typical drama with a bit of a thrilling edge... this movie can still serve as a warning to us.  So many nightmarish situations arise when we behave impulsively and neglect to use our natural logic!

When we are young or feeling vulnerable, we may be more willing to become attached to someone who is less than stable.  This is how emotional manipulators and predators work: they seek out targets who are vulnerable and more likely to believe their lies and put up with their BS.

It is so important to get to know someone before making a commitment to them.  More than that, you need to know and respect yourself as well.  And, of course, if you're going to be intimate with someone, always use a condom!  The last thing that you want is to become pregnant by someone who will later use your situation to control and manipulate you.  A child ties you to that other person for at least 18 years, if not more, so you must be certain that this is what you want before entering into this type of situation with another person.  No one wants a crazy person for their baby's daddy (or mom)!

By being strong, confident, loving and respectful of yourself, you are automatically setting your own personal standards to a more reasonable level.  Remember that a child is forever, and the person with whom you share that link with will be forever linked to you, through biology and through family life.  Don't accept predatory, abusive, or threatening treatment from anyone who is trying to use or manipulate you.  By choosing healthy relationships, you're putting yourself and your potential family into the best possible situation for the future.

Fashionfab Seeks Advice

Today, I saw that my Keen blog had received a question asking for my input.  So, here's my take on the situation...

"Fashionfab" wrote:
Hi!
I need some major advice please!!!!!
Okay long story somewhat short lol. I was with a guy for 2 years I loved him, and I thought he loved me… we spoke about marriage but after a year he back away and said he has a strict family and they will pick his wife and he can’t do anything about it (this is actually true it a culture thing from where he is from) BUT he broke up with me via text out of the blue… we met one day and 2 days later he sent a message… of course I was crushed this was my first relationship. Okay so throughout the breakup I made mistakes and texted him, told him why blah blah… but I stopped later.
After about 2 years later he messaged me on e-mail saying the major reason why he broke if off was he knew it wasn’t going anywhere but refuse to tell me.. and two he wanted a girl to have sex with and I wasn’t giving it to him because I am a virgin (oh I am now 23) and he said I was a girl for a man to marry not to mess with. So he found a new girl and brags that she and him ONLY hang in a parked car and why couldn’t I do that. I just LOL at it. So the past 2 months him and I have been talking just as friends. He would always repond to my texts (which before he would ignore or cuss me out etc, and this is 3 year after the break up). I told him it great hearing from you and I hope our path cross… he replied saying God willing our paths do cross I really hope that. So I just replied saying yeah. we would text throughtout the day mostly the morning, talking about all sort of stuff, TV, our lives, just friends talking. So he keep complimenting me and I just say thanns nothing more to make him feel like I want him back (BUT I DO STILL CARE A LOT FOR HIM). He than proceeds to say he is loving the way I live my life and he is envious and jealous. I moved away from the state I used to live in that he is still in and now in law school… and he always says he is jealous of me, which I don’t like.. always saying I am beautiful, that he misses me, wants to see me, calls me a “G” but I just say don’t be your got it good too… anyways he asked to see me, I said may be when I am back. So I later told him may be if we meet in public NOT A CAR, and just get coffee. He agreed and said he would find time. I said sure. He told me last week that may be this week we would me, well, I text him saying hey did you find a day so I knew bc i would be leaving back soon, he didn’t reply.. so I left it. Hours went by nothing. I told my friend, she took his number and called private without me knowing :/ he picked up!! So I later text saying I don’t know what’s going on, but I will respect that bye friend. The next morning he text saying hey, I replied with hi 2 hours later. He wrote how are you feeling, 2o min later I said pretty good. THAN he proceeded to ignore me again so I wrote if you don;t want to talk to me than don’t text or play games. I don’t want to waste time. I am really sad because I care so much for him, and am his friend and had faith he would be a MAN and just not play this game of hot and cold anymore… we are just friends. I am away and busy so I don’t expect much from him but a polite I can’t meet up but have a safe trip back maybe next time or just if he doesnt want to talk to ne stop talking don’t talk to me than, ignore. The week is over and I am going back to my University I didn’t hear from him….

OH, and he kept saying he would come visit me in the state I am in now bc it is a tourist state, and said we would have fun and just hang… he was saying/asking would it be awkward, i said no but if we meet it would take the awkwardness away….

So will he ever text me? Because I secretly do want to hear from him again??? Why does he do this? is he fooling me? Please help, my heart is broken again. I been hurting for almost 4 year becouse of this guy… this is a long long long story that is very condense. He is kind of a jerk, obivosly a player since he left to find a sex buddy. I feel like he doesn’t care, yet I still do. He says I am a great friend and that he has love for me, but why alway do this?

Do you think he will ever call me or text me? I need you help!!!!! please 


My response was:
Fashionfab, I definitely feel that you'll be hearing from him again.  However -- right now, he is just way too immature to give you the kind of treatment that you want.  I know that you care about him, but his games & rejection are intended to make YOU always feel like you have something to prove to him -- yet he's the one who needs to grow up and STEP up!  He has control of this situation & he knows it.  In order to get it back, stop being the one to initiate texts.  If he wants you, make him work for it. :)  And if he wants friendship, that's fine too, but same rules apply because he needs to learn to treat you with respect. 

Feel Better NOW: Boost Your Self-Esteem Instantly

Feeling down on yourself?  Instead of succumbing to those "blah" days (or years), reclaim your life by strengthening your self-esteem.  Here are a few tricks to get you started; trust me, these will work wonders on giving yourself the internal makeover that you need to feel lovely.

You've probably already heard that old tip about taking stock of things you're grateful for, or things that are good about you.  This is a fabulous tip, and it's always good to remember that you have some good qualities.  But instead of just taking stock of the good, how about also composing a list of things you'd like to change or improve?  Be kind, and constructive, but real.  Acknowledging the weaker points in your life and addressing them can help you make improvements.

When you've made your list, be real with yourself about starting to improve these things.  Even if you just stick to your guns for a day or two, revel in the fact that you have the power to change!  You are taking control of your life and working to get to a goal.  Enjoy that.  The journey is just as important as the destination, so savor each part of your process.

Use other people, but "in a good way."  You have a lot to offer other people.  Give freely of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help once in awhile as well.  We've all been put in one anothers' paths to give generously and to receive graciously.  You may not always get what you want, but it never hurts to ask.  

Treat others with respect, and make everyone around you feel important.  This will ensure that you're treated largely the same way.  If those around you do not respect you in return, it may be time to reevaluate yourself as well as your relationships with others.

Be driven in your efforts to improve, but forgive yourself any setbacks.  Just stick to it!

20 Awesome Tips for Surviving a Bad Breakup

1.  Remove the temptation of easy access.  Delete his or her number from your phone, block 'em on Facebook, get rid of old emails.  Unless you work together or share children, there is really no need to initiate further contact.  (If there was no major betrayal before the breakup, you may wish to maintain the friendship; in this case, just lay low for awhile and get some emotional distance.)
 
2.  Do not keep tabs on your ex.  This means no Facebook stalking (covertly or otherwise), no asking around, no driving past his or her house.  If it's over, it's over.  Let them wonder what you're doing or whom you're with now, but resist the temptation to keep that wound fresh.

3.  Let it out.  Write all your feelings in a notebook, a personal blog or journal, anywhere that you can vent and detox those negative feelings.

4.  Decide that, since you have now detoxed, to turn over a new leaf.  Think of this as a positive opportunity to make a fresh start, and adopt a positive attitude.

5.  Take care of yourself.  Eat healthy, exercise, and generally treat yourself well.  This is especially true if you were with someone who was not terribly concerned with your physical or emotional well-being.  When you take responsibility of your own well-being, you're taking control of your life.

6.  When you're feeling down on yourself, try thinking of all your positive qualities.  Make a list if you have to, in order to refer to it for future falterings.

7.  While you're in the habit of making lists, try making another one of all the reasons you're better off NOT in the relationship that you used to be.  If your former partner was annoying, unsupportive, selfish, or boring... write it down.  Absorb it, realize that the end of the relationship is a positive thing, and move on.

8.  Socialize with friends.  Call people that you haven't spoken to in a long while.  Re-establish touch with long lost friends, and enjoy reconnecting with those who love you.

9.  Pursue new interests, or revive much-beloved older ones.

10.  Take the focus off of yourself.  Realize that other people have issues too; do something wonderful for another person, and enjoy the glow that comes along with it.

11.  Pleasure yourself physically. 'Nuff said.

12.  Make changes to your apprearance.  Yes, it can be a bit of a cliche, but the truth is that seeing a cool new you in the mirror can help to alter your own perception of yourself.  Change your hair, try a new fashion style, get your most trusted cohorts together and devise an interesting new look for yourself.

13.  Change your surroundings.  You may not be in the position to move, but sometimes when you feel down in the dumps, and everything reminds you of your ex, you want to switch things around.  Move the furniture, paint the walls.  Burn some sage and detoxify your space.  If you're not interested in switching around your space, even a good thorough cleaning can make you feel fantastic.

14.  Throw yourself into your work for awhile.  Don't become a workaholic, though!

15.  When you're ready to see new people, try dating.  Keep in mind that "rebounds" usually don't work out, so don't go hunting for a new relationship right away.  Just enjoy socializing, flirting, and meeting new and interesting (or not-so-interesting!) people.

16.  Make new friends.

17.  Find enjoyment in solitary activities like reading, video games, or just walking through your city and seeing the sights.

18.  If your ex dumped you for someone else or was a particularly big jerk, think about the next person they end up with.  Instead of feeling jealous or tearing them down, realize how being with the ex totally sucks.  Feel simultaneously sorry for the "latest victim," and relieved that your ex is no longer your problem.

19.  Truly evolved people never stop growing, changing, and learning.  Try filling your mind with new information and perceptions.  Expanding your mind will expand every part of your life.

20.  Love yourself and love others.

Healing Tips For a Broken Heart

Each and every person in the world is unique.  We all come from different places and have endured different experiences throughout our lives.  However, there is one thing that will always unite people with one another, and that is that we all have feelings and emotions.  At one time or another, we have all experienced loss.  Just about everyone knows what it feels like to suffer from a broken heart.

Love is the most powerful force on Earth.  Sure, you can argue that other feelings are more important, and indeed they all play their own roles in our time here.  However, love is truly the tie than binds us to one another.  When we experience the loss of that love through a breakup, a death, or some other unforseen circumstance, the pain can be so intense that we feel as if we may never recover from that loss.  While it's true that you may never again be the same after this experience, there are ways to heal and to move on with your life.

The first step is to understand that love will often change our perception of the way that things are.  I'm not saying that your relationship has distorted your view on reality, but perhaps the bond that you shared with someone else may not have been as strong as you previously thought.  It may have been other feelings mingled in with that love -- dependency, comfort, sexual passion, a shared commitment towards your family, or any number of other life changes.  Most relationships will end sooner or later; love does not always last.  If you experienced a breakup, then naturally there were problems on your end, on the other end, or both.  Focusing on the reasons that the relationship ended will give you a new sense of perspective and acceptance.  From this, the healing can begin.



Your heart may feel as though the emotional wounds might never heal.  However, you must understand that with time, the hurt and the sorrow that you are experiencing will subside.  As I said before, you will not be the same person.  But you will definitely grow stronger from the experience, and as time goes by, you will begin to heal and feel more like your regular self again.  Give yourself the time to grieve.  If you're sad, acknowledge those feelings -- don't just stuff them inside.  Express them.  Feel them.  Yes, it will be painful.  However, being able to acknowledge the hurt and the despair in the wake of this loss is a vital part of the grieving process. 

The most important part of this process is to always keep in mind that with each passing day, you are healing more and more.  Just like a physical wound, it will hurt just a little less every day.  And, like a bodily ailment, you need to nourish yourself with the things that are needed to help the healing process -- and to avoid things which are bad for you.



The funny thing about a broken heart is that you won't always feel like it's broken. There will be times when you feel sad, no doubt, but there will also be times that you feel guilty, angry or even relieved. But, until you are completely over your former partner, you can be sure that there is some heart break playing a role in your emotions. So, how do you go about mending a broken heart?

To be blunt, you need to confront the problem. While you may be able to take temporary comfort in denial, it will only delay things from getting better. You have to be completely honest with yourself and how you feel.

Being honest is the only way you will be able to work things out. It won't be easy, but you need to figure out why you feel so heartbroken. Do you feel betrayed by your ex? Do you feel you betrayed them? Was there a death? Were they unfaithful? Do you feel guilty? Do you think you could have done more? Do you think you did all you could, and just can't understand why you broke up anyway? Whatever it is, identifying the real problem is the key to solving it.

Once you have figured out what the root of your broken heart is, you can fix it. For example, if you're feeling guilty, then you need to forgive yourself. But if it was something your partner did, then you need to forgive them. You have to be willing to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

You also need to be realistic about mending a broken heart. Because it isn't always easy, you may not be able to do it on your own. If you find you're just not getting any better, then it may be time to seek help from a counselor...again, whatever it takes. Give it time and face it head on, and you will be feeling better before you know it.

Why Didn't My Love Spell Work?

Spells are essentially prayers or wishes. There are as many spells in existence as there are goals, wishes, and desires. Some of the more common desires that people do spellwork for involve finaces or health, but the most popular spell out there is still the old-fashioned love spell. Many folks swear by their own spellwork, or that of someone else. However, there are still some people out there who may try a hand at spellwork without yielding the desired results.

Why, then, do some spells work perfectly, while others fizzle and fail entirely?  There are many reasons why your spell may not have been so effective.

To understand the most basic reason, you must first understand what spellwork is.  In its most basic definition, spellwork is about concentrating your spiritual energy and focusing it on a particular goal.  Just like a prayer or a wish, a spell requires focus and concentration.   If you are unable to devote the right amount of focus to your spellwork, then its efficacy of the spell will be compromised.  Concentration and focus are vital when doing any sort of spellwork.

Another issue in the effectiveness of one's spells is the materials which are being used.  It is important to try following each instruction as carefully as possible, and to supply the right ingredients for each spell.  In some cases, you may not have the access to every ingredient that is requested in the spell you are using.  Sometimes certain articles can be substituted, and sometimes not.  It also depends on the practitioner; what works really well for one person might not work as well for another.  You need to learn what works for you.

It is also important to understand that someone who is new to spellwork will not have the same results as a seasoned practicioner.  Newbies might feel that casting a spell for personal gain might be an easy shortcut to getting what they want.  However, simply downloading a spell from the internet and following the instructions is not always going to be sufficient.  Experience can help even a weak spell have more powerful results.  If you're not that experienced with spells and you haven't gotten the results that you're seeking, don't give up.  The experience that you gain from your failures will help you to learn what works for you, as well as what doesn't.

Negative energy can also make even the most well-intentioned spell fizzle instead of sizzle.  If you are unable to believe in your own abilities, then why would the universe take this spell seriously?  Faith is a key ingredient to productive spellwork.  Having negativity surround you can also have a serious impact on the efficacy of your spiritual workings as well.  Make sure you keep positive and supportive people around you during this time.  If your spell is to get rid of negative energy, such as in a cleansing spell, you must try your hardest to have faith that the work will be productive.

Patience is also a vital component to successful spellwork.  Some people will do spells, expecting miraculous overnight results.  While this may be the case in movies or books, real magickal work takes time to manifest your desired outcome.  In fact, sometimes it can take years!  If something is worth all of the trouble of concentration, positivity, diligence, and faith, it is also worth the patience to see this situation play out to the end.  Sometimes, you don't get exactly what you'd expected; in time, you will get what is best for you, which in many cases can surpass even your most ardent wishes and expectations.  Help the universe to answer your request by working toward this goal as best as you can, while being open-minded and patient.  The results can be well worth it.

The bottom line about spellwork is that it's complicated.  Every person's ability is different, and as with most things in life, your results will vary.  However, you are likely to see more results when you make the effort and be persistent.  Keep trying, and you may see wonderful things develop!

When Will He Call Me? Why Isn't He Calling?

As a professional psychic and spiritual life coach, I am contacted almost daily by women who ask me heartbreaking questions: "Why won't he call me? When will he contact me again?" It's often about someone who may have shared only a brief connection with her, such as a man that she has recently met. However, this question is asked about an ex with whom she shared her life, someone of whom she has trouble letting go. I can always sense the pain and wistful sorrow of someone who needs the answer to this question. And, while sometimes I can see the man in question picking up the phone or running into the querent again sometime in the future, very often I don't sense any pending form of contact. It kills me to tell her that the phone won't be ringing anytime soon, but I do have to be honest in situations like that, no matter how hard it is for her to hear the truth.

Why, then, would someone be hung up on this lack of communication? Some women will hold out the hope of a love who will return for weeks, months, or even years. I've heard from quite a few who are unable to move on with their lives, always in limbo, always waiting for him. If you're waiting for contact from someone where none seems to be forthcoming, please know that there are millions of people out there who feel your pain, and have gone through it before. There are many reasons why the contact won't come. Often, it is best to acknowledge these reasons so that you can move on with your own life. Here are a few of the most common realities that we may need to understand:  the reality of these reasons can be harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts!

1. He has already moved on with his life -- or wants to. In each relationship, there is always one person who is able to carry onward faster and easier than the other. Both people may be able to do it with relative ease, but someone always has to be "first" with that. Perhaps, in your case, he simply requires less grieving time. Or in the reverse, maybe he'd rather not re-open old wounds which he is struggling to heal. At any rate, calling you would seem counter productive in this case; he may still care for you, however contact with you is simply not on the list of things to do if he'd like to heal and get on with the business of living.

2. He is afraid. If the relationship ended on bad terms regardless of who is at fault, perhaps he realizes that there is still a lot of anger, bitterness, or resentment. Since the relationship is over, he doesn't see a need to call and rehash old issues that have already been set in stone. This is especially true if he was the cause of this break in your relationship. Think of it this way: If you hurt or betrayed someone, would you really want to contact them again just to see how they're doing? Females are more often inclined to answer this question with a "yes," because we tend to need closure and approval in ways that men do not. Many males would simply prefer to avoid any further messiness once they've been spattered with a bit of someone else's emotions. And if you're already broken up, he just doesn't see the point in putting himself through the emotional wringer again.

3. He is angry or hurt. If you were the one who initiated the argument or breakup, you can bet that his ego will be smarting for some time to come. There may be some residual annoyance, resentment, or embarrassment left over from the break. This type of wounded pride will produce a great deal of reluctance to speak with you again. Even the strongest people are capable of succumbing to such vulnerabilities. If he was the person who initiated the breakup, he may still be harboring pain or resentment, in which case, he is simply not interested in rekindling any sort of communication with you.

4. He has other irons in the fire. Regardless of whether he's moved on from you with ease, or is still secretly pining away, it is entirely possible that he has found someone new. Perhaps he's deeply in love with this new person, perhaps he's just found someone fun with whom he can enjoy whiling away some time. Either way, if a man is getting his needs met by another woman, then it's very likely that he just doesn't feel a need to speak with you anymore. Or, even if he is a more sensitive type who does still care for you -- or even still holds a torch for you -- if he's with a new woman, communicating with you would be inappropriate. After all, would you be OK with your new lover calling his ex on a regular basis?

5. He is waiting to hear from you. We've already discussed cases where the anger, resentment, or rejection are serious enough to keep him away. But in some of those cases, your ex might be hoping that you're the one to initiate contact. If he's afraid of your anger, picking up the phone to say "No hard feelings," would be a step in the right direction. If he's still hurting or carrying his own resentment about the breakup, he may still be silently hoping for some type of closure. In a case like that, perhaps a well-written letter or email would assist him in making this transition.

No matter why the relationship ended, or how the other party is feeling, you must remember that not all people are meant to be permanent fixtures in our lives. Sometimes when fate brings people into one another's lives, they are destined to spend only a finite amount of time together. The most important thing is to enjoy those who love you for as long as they are near, and to accept a parting of the ways with grace and dignity. A new love may be just around the corner; if you focus too much on your past, you may very well miss the wonderful opportunities that will present themselves to you in the future.