"When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile."

Writer Regina Brett's life lessons are great little nuggets of wisdom.  There's something for everyone!  I'll be reflecting on this week's lesson:  "When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile."

Regina has sure said a mouthful here!  You should always try to take the best possible care of yourself.  As we all know, chocolate isn't exactly health food for the body, but it sure can make the mind and soul happy!  They say that dark chocolate can actually be good for the heart; don't take my word for it, though, feel free to Google away!  I think that her point is that sometimes, a little indulgence in a guilty pleasure is what makes life worth living.  Go ahead, enjoy your life a bit!



Visit Regina's website here.

"Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone."

Writer Regina Brett's life lessons are great little nuggets of wisdom.  There's something for everyone!  I'll be reflecting on this week's lesson:  "Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone."

"Misery loves company."  This old chestnut is pretty well-worn into the collective subconscious.  When we share our disappointments with someone who can relate, life doesn't seem to hurt so much.  People who are hurting over the same loss can find strength and comfort in grieving together.  Even if you're crying and the other parties involved are not, accept the love and help of those around you who wish to be there for you in your time of emotional need.  Chances are good that in the future, they'll need to be with you, too, when their time comes. 


Visit Regina's website here.

"Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does."

Writer Regina Brett's life lessons are great little nuggets of wisdom.  There's something for everyone!
I'll be reflecting on this week's lesson:  ""Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does."

People often worry unnecessarily about what other people think of them.  It's human nature!  We want to look just right; we can become consumed with looking the part, acting like we know everything, speaking with confidence.  "Fake it 'til you make it" is an oft-heard mantra in the self-help game.  It's not terrible advice at all, but sometimes you have to take a step back and realize that most people are too absorbed in their own needs to be confident, to look great, and to sound intelligent -- just like you are!  Learn to laugh at yourself sometimes.  Realize that you are good enough as you are.  Aspire to your dreams, but never feel the need to put on airs or to feel shame for the person you are.  If you screw up, laugh and learn.  Then, when you're ready, try again!



Visit Regina's website here.

How to Cut Toxic People & Negative Friends Out of Your Life

Connections with other people are one of life's greatest joys. Interacting with those that you love and who love you can make the difference between an awful day and an amazing one.

However, we all have people in our lives who are less than perfect. In fact, no one in this world is perfect! There will be times when our best friends, loved ones, and life partners will have bad days. They might grumble, they might be negative, or they may even be snarky and mean to us. Or, we might be the ones who are feeling negative, and will do the same to other people. This is normal and natural -- everyone has good days and bad. If we love each other, we'll put up with it, because the bad is often outweighed by the good.

But there are also people who don't quite fit this mold. You know the types I'm talking about -- the drama queens, the judgmental jerks, the negativity sinks, the time wasters, negative friends, and the users. (I have a book about emotional vampires, which you can peruse here, which goes into greater depth about the types of emotional vampires that we deal with on a day to day basis.) When you care about someone, but they are depleting you, perhaps it's time to have a heart-to-hear with them about what's going on. It is okay to speak up and explain to your negative friends when your needs aren't getting met. Don't assume that you're being selfish just because you're standing up for yourself and your own well-being. (Also… here's a radical thought: What's so wrong with being a bit selfish now and again, anyway?) Dump that toxic friend! You do not need to spend time with someone who's draining away your energy.

If you've already had these conversations with those negative friends, and you're still searching for ways to end a friendship gracefully, chances are that your needs are still not being met. I'm assuming that you've already taken a good, long look at the friendship, including the parts that you had played in your dealings with this emotional vampire.

You may be feeling as though you've tried all of the solutions that you can -- speaking from the heart, setting limits, enforcing boundaries, or saying "no" once in awhile, only to continue to be met with disrespect, negativity, or a lack of reciprocity. It's now time for you to cut this toxic friendship from your life, so that you can invest that time in focusing on bigger and better things.

There are two ways that you can go about this: The easy way (which is often harder!), and the hard way (which is often easier!). Either can be effective; it simply depends on the type of negative person you are cutting out of your life.

The easy one has one basic step: Just cut them out. Quit calling or texting them. Stop taking their calls, unfriend them online, quit inviting them to your functions, and stop going to theirs. If you have mutual friends, you must also resist the temptation to talk about them with those friends. The drawback of this is that there could be some backlash, particularly if you're close. However, if this "friend" has done an egregious thing to you, betrayed a major trust, or committed some significant act of betrayal, it may be the way to go.

The hard way involves keeping the negative friend in your life. However, you'll simply be spending less time with them. (I must admit, I've done this method before! It works!) This method is much better for people that you do like, but are just too difficult to be around all the time. Maybe they're very high-maintenance, very negative, or just really different from you in uncomfortable ways. Perhaps they don't respect your boundaries and don't seem to respond well to discussions or other attempts to correct it. However, if they genuinely mean well and are not going out of their way to hurt you, the "hard way" is worth a try. It will take a lot more time, but will also be much easier on your friendship. Encourage this person to branch out and do new things -- this way, there'll be less time for them to bug you. ;) Pare down your communication: for example, if you speak on the phone every day or two, try cutting down to a couple times a week. If you hang out every week, try canceling from time to time and see if you can get it down to a couple of times a month. Make a plan to reduce the amount of time that you spend with him or her. Write it down on your calendar if you need to, but stick to the plan. On the occasions that you do talk or hang out, keep things positive and cordial. I'd also recommend that, during any conversation that you do have, you try to insert details about things that are keeping you so busy -- talk about your kids, your job, any hobbies or interests or obligations which might take up your time. You don't need to complain about these types of things (unless they truly are driving you nuts!), but making sure to acknowledge them will help take the edge off with your friend.

If you have mutual friends, and you try the above method, you may be required to spend time with this person anyway. That's okay! Sometimes being in a group with the toxic person can make things a lot more palatable. You'll both have other people to talk with, and you can even spend time together in a more controlled setting.

A few words of caution: If you're trying valiantly to keep things civil and the other person is not being accepting of the way things are, things could get dicey. Try the following phrases to diffuse tension:

"I understand."

"I'm sorry."

"Let's talk about this later, when we've both had time to calm down."

Whether you actually agree with the above statements is not the point. Diffusing a tough situation is the name of the game. Anyone who is going to throw tantrums, though, might need you to revert back to "the easy method."

Does this technique sound passive-aggressive? I know that some aspects of it certainly are. However, when you're dealing with an emotional vampire, sometimes it's much easier to do things gently as it helps to minimize the drama which is the emotional vampire's lifeblood. It also helps to preserve your sanity, as well.

Having an Awesome Life, Lesson #9: The Miracles of Kindness

Are you feeling depressed?  Bogged down by your problems?  Annoyed at just about everyone else in the world?  Maybe it seems like others have an easier, funner, better life.  Perhaps you're feeling bored, stuck in a rut, or just plain inadequate.  Maybe you have no idea what direction your life should be taking.  What can you do then, you might ask.

The secret to this is actually very simple.  If you're having trouble getting your own life to the place where you want it -- whether you've lost your way, or feel at a loose end -- you can find a way to feel better in a snap.  Try showing some kindness to others!

Helping other people can give you a whole new lease on life.  It can make you feel like a hero, because that's just what you'll be.  It can help to eliminate boredom, because it will give you plenty to do and lots of satisfaction with doing it.  You will always have something on the agenda if you try volunteering for something, doing charity work, and connecting with people who share your values.  Helping other people can also make your problems seem really small and much easier to handle than they do now; by focusing on others and seeing issues that are truly devastating, it makes your complaints about the annoying co-worker who chews with his mouth open a lot more trivial and manageable.

Remember that you don't need to go running off to your nearest non-profit organization in order to help someone.  Flip through your mental inventory of loved ones, friends, family, and neighbors.  How about shoveling the snow off of your neighbor's car while you're doing your own?  Next time you're making dinner, throw twice as much in the pot to cook and take some over to a friend who's too busy or tired to make some for herself.  Offer to do some errands for that sick relative.  Even spending a few minutes to help make someone else's day a little better can do wonders for them as well as for you.

Best of all, you will get so much personal satisfaction out of helping other people.  It's better than the self-esteem boost, the extra activity, and the inner makeover of your own issues.  The great feeling that you'll get from being one of the good guys, and from seeing others benefit from your efforts, is one of the most awesome things you can experience.  And that will carry over to some serious awesome life points!

How To Deal With the Loss of a Pet

Here's a picture of my beloved Clovis, who will have been gone for 10 years today.  She was my first bunny, and I can't tell you how much I lover her still.  What an amazing girl she was!  She was only 4 pounds, but this Holland Lop taught me about bunnies, and a lot about myself too.  Even now, I know she's watching over me from the beyond.

Not everyone can understand how it feels to lose a cherished pet.  Whether you're experiencing with the loss of your cat, trying to handle the death of your dog, or dealing with losing another pet who has passed away, the shock of grief can be surprising to you.  Perhaps you did not expect this loss to affect you the way it is doing.  However, many people across the world have experienced this pain.  You're not alone.  We all need a hand in dealing with our pain sometimes.  Here are a few tips to help you get through this difficult time.  

Give yourself ample time to grieve.  This cannot be overstated!  Folks who are not animal lovers will never understand.  Even though our pets are not humans, they are are still a part of our family.  You won't feel better overnight, so allow yourself a few days to get over the initial shock and grief.  If you can take a day or two off of work, go for it.  Take a "mental health day" or two if you feel that you need it.  Give yourself a bit of time to feel your emotions and to adjust.

Talk with others who will understand.  Not everyone is going to acknowledge that your pet is worth mourning.  I still remember when my favorite rat, who had lived almost 3 years, passed suddenly when I was across the country.  I got the phone call from my brother, and later when my great-grandmother called me to see how I was doing, she said "You shouldn't feel that way about an animal."  (I loved my Gram dearly, but she just wasn't an animal person!)  When Clovis was ill in the hospital, one of my in-laws told me not to worry, I can just buy a "Clovis #2" if she didn't make it.  Neither of these statements were meant to make me feel bad; they both came from people who love me!  But some folks will get it, and some won't.  It's a lot better to talk about your pet (and your feelings) with those who do get it.  Anything less will just make you feel worse, belittle your feelings (unintentionally, I'm sure!), and just piss you off unnecessarily.  

Share the memories with folks who knew your pet.  This is a common healing technique that people often use with their kids, when a beloved dog or cat dies.  But why limit it to young people, when it can be beneficial to just about anyone?  Talk about the good times.  Remember the funny things that your cat used to do.  Talk about how cute your dog was when you first brought him home.  Look at pictures, tell stories, and enjoy the stroll down memory lane.  Remembering is a wonderful way to begin healing after the loss of your pet.

Keep their things close by.  You'd think that this might make it hurt more, but in those first days after your pet dies, having their toys, their special blankie, or their other important items near can actually be comforting to you.  Over time, you may want to start boxing up their things.  Toss some of them if and when you feel ready.  You can also donate things that are still good, or maybe just save their things.  I still have Clovis's "bunny bed" (it was actually a small dog bed that she'd snooze on in the living room sometimes), and her soft stuffed carrot that squeaks -- a full decade later!  I also have my Seamus's "cone of shame" from the bunny vet.  I don't think I'll ever give them away.  Right now, they're in my storage space, but it feels nice just knowing I can visit them whenever I feel the need.

When you're feeling ready, adopt a new pet!  I know you'd feel like you're "cheating" on them... but after a suitable time, you may want to open your heart and home to a new dog or cat.  The loss of a pet can be traumatic and upsetting, but after your pet has died, you may find that you want to get a new one at some point.  I waited about six weeks after Clovis died; I knew that she would have wanted me to adopt a bunny who was homeless, and who needed me.  We wound up adopting two, and they were with us for seven great years!  (And after they were gone, we adopted two more bunnies!)  Knowing Clovis gave 4 other bunnies the chance to be adopted and loved!  When your pet dies, try to think of what would do the best good.  Taking that into consideration can help you to make the right decision.

Mental/Cognitive Symptoms of a Spiritual Awakening

Mental/Cognitive Symptoms of a Spiritual Awakening


Changes in dreaming.  You may be experiencing some vivid, crazy dreams!  Everything is brighter, more detailed, and much more vivid than you have remembered your dreams to be.  Sometimes, you may be frightened to go to sleep because of the detail of your dreams can be slightly alarming.  Perhaps you find that you're remembering the dreams better as well.  One's dream life is another way for the higher powers to communicate with you.  Or, perhaps you're experiencing lucid dreaming, where you have more control over what it happening to you.  Try keeping a dream journal and writing down what you remember of your dreams, as they are often clues and messages from your own inner self.

Psychological, mental, or emotional confusion.  You may reach an epiphany where you begin to see all of the loose ends in your life.  You feel as if you need to get these things straightened out, but may also feel a sense of overwhelming at the thought.  It can be a daunting task to know where to begin.  The best advice that I can give you here is to take baby steps.  Decide which things that seem the easiest, or things that seem the most important, and get started on tackling them.  Although you may feel like things are a real mess right now, you can straighten these things out one step at a time.

Learning quickly, and working things through in a much more efficient manner than you did before.  You seem to be picking things up a lot more easily than you previously did in the past.  A rapid sense of understanding and quick learning seems to be pervasive in all aspects of your life.  Some people call this "being in the zone."  This is one of the benefits of a spiritual awakening: feeling that connection with other people and things, as well as to yourself, can be of great benefit to you spiritually and personally.  You may also have more internal fortitude to deal with personal issues which you previously did not feel brave enough to tackle.  Again, this is another benefit to be enjoyed.  Part of a spiritual awakening is finding that courage that you never knew that you had, and allowing it to be a new source of strength that you can call upon when you need it.

Brain fog is another common side-effect of a spiritual awakening.  You may experience moments between complete clarity, and total brain fog.  The creative, emotional, and psychic abilities are also often affected for the positive during a transitional period.  The left side of your brain -- the one that is in charge of keeping order, memory, organization, and focus -- may become duller when comparing to your right hemisphere, which controls your creative, visionary, and psychic impulses.  As your right brain becomes stronger and more thoroughly utilized, the left side may occasionally suffer some drawback from either being underutilized or from lack of interest in certain things which may previously have been more important to you.  This can result in forgetfulness, "brain farts," or procrastination in doing things that require additional focus and concentration.  You may need to push yourself a little harder in order to strike a balance.

Impatience and the consciousness of time as it passes.  As you experience the changes that go along with a spiritual awakening, you become keenly aware of the seconds as they slip past you.  You want to make the most of each morsel of time that you have, to harness all of the gifts that you currently possess. This may manifest as a feeling of impatience or even a sense of overwhelming as you struggle to determine how best to use the time you have.  Try to make lists and keep focused on one task at a time.

A feeling of restless energy which makes it difficult to relax.  With all of the physical and emotional changes that you are experiencing, it's no wonder that you're having trouble centering and calming yourself into a state that is fit for sleeping.  You may have trouble falling asleep, or once you have slept awhile, issues with staying asleep.  This is a fairly common phenomenon during the time of spiritual awakening.  Some people find it helpful to sleep in cycles of a few hours throughout the day, enjoying frequent naps rather than one 8-hour sleep session.  Do what feels right for you.

Memories from the past break through to the present.  Sometimes, we repress memories intentionally.  Other times, things that seem insignificant at the time may resurface during a spiritual awakening.  Pay attention to what's going on around you, and see if there's a way to draw correlations between what you're remembering and what you're currently living.  Don't force more memories to resurface; they will do so when the time is right, and when they do, you can use them to learn more about your current life path.

Feeling dizzy, experiencing vertigo.  Sometimes, we need a little extra grounding.  Sometimes you may feel a physical or spiritual lightness after overcoming a spiritual or emotional state of chaos.  We may feel dizzy, unbalanced, or fear falling.  This is a very common symptom of a new spiritual awakening.  Take care of yourself, rest, and give yourself some time to adjust to the new physical state.  Some say that you need to ground yourself by adding more protein into your diet; check with your doctor and do what feels right.  Be very careful, take things slow, and don't push yourself beyond your means right now.

Erotomania: Is It Real?

I drew this picture of Jenna Elfman as
Ellena Roberts, wearing an orange prison
jumpsuit.  I love drawing with PhotoShop!

If you're at all familiar with the Lifetime movie "Obsessed," you must be wondering about the details of erotomania.  The therapist in the movie described it as "a condition where one believes that one is loved by someone, when in fact, one is not."  That is just the tip of the iceberg.

It is a type of mental health disorder where the person believes that someone else -- often a stranger, and usually a celebrity or person of high status -- is in love with him or her.  Patients will often manifest an entire relationship that exists solely in their own minds.  The disorder occurs in people who have bipolar disorder during mania, schizophrenia, a psychosis of some type, or a disorder involving delusions.

When a person experiences an episode of erotomania, he or she often interprets the actions of their "love interest" as directed solely at him or her.  The "love interest" may, in the erotomaniac's opinion, be sending them secret messages via actions, gestures, or facial expressions, as well as messages via regular media.  The erotomaniac may also return this imaginary affection through contacting the love interest, through calling, emailing, sending gifts, or even visiting the love interest.  

Although these gestures are not expected or wanted, the love interest's denial of this "relationship" is often viewed by the erotomaniac as some type of scheme to conceal their relationship from the public.

In "Obsessed," the main character, Ellena Roberts, was erotomaniacally obsessed with Dr. David Stillman, a renowned surgeon that she pursued relentlessly.  Toward the beginning of the movie, the viewer is lead to believe that their relationship is real but clandestine, as Dr. Stillman is married and a very public, well-known physician.  As the movie progresses, we begin to understand the depth of Ellena's madness.  Her delusions and compulsions extend far beyond simply Dr. Stillman, and in fact are seen as not just a nuisance, but a potential threat to the safety of others if left unchecked.

The movie, "Obsessed" is, in fact,  based on the true story of Diane Schaefer who stalked Dr. Murray Brennan, chief surgeon at Sloan-Kettering in New York City, for about eight years.  She sent him letters, called his home and his office, brought gifts, and even managed to sneak into his home to greet him in a see-through negligee.  Although the fictional Ellena Roberts (who is played by Jenna Elfman) never threatened to harm her doctor in any way, the real Diane Schaefer is quoted as saying to Dr. Murray: "I can't live while you're alive on this earth.  I am going to kill you!  Kill you, or kill myself -- I am degraded by your being alive."

Emotional Signs and Symptoms of a Spiritual Awakening

Spiritual awakenings can trigger amazing things inside your mind, heart, and of course, your spirit!  A spiritual awakening can also have interesting effects on your physical body.  In this entry, we're going to look at some of the changes which a spiritual awakening can cause in your emotional arena.  (We'll look at other types of changes later this year.)

Here are but a few of the signs of a spiritual awakening:


A stricter sense of morality.  As your spiritual awakening is experienced, you start to understand the importance of living your true will.  Along with this understanding comes a desire to treat other beings with honor and respect.  Secrets, lies, or actions that deter you from your true will may become increasingly difficult to participate or tolerate.  You place a new importance on honesty and reciprocity in all dealings with others.

A conscious need to seek your soulmate, other half, or twin flame.  When we experience a spiritual awakening, we may have the desire to share this experience with someone close to us who can understand.  In the event that you are single and seeking that person, your commitment to the search may have intensified since your awakening has come upon the horizon.  Remember that if you want this encounter to happen, you must continue to work on your own life in order to prepare and welcome this soulmate.

An anxious, nervous sense that something significant may be about to occur.  You may be experiencing worry, suspicion, or the perception of a significant impending event.  Try not to allow fear or worry to get the best of you.  Take things slowly and work on one small issue at a time.  The feeling about what's to come may be a natural reaction to any surprise, good or bad. 

A heightened sense of emotional sensitivity.  Even small things may suddenly become overwhelming to you.  You may cry easily, become sad or upset at things that may perhaps not have affected you so much in the past.  You may also have unexpected and intense bouts of inexplicable bliss, profound elation, comfort and peace.  The heart chakra may also be presenting with aches, pains, or a sense of pressure.  This is often due to your chakra opening and accepting new information or energy.  Try to be open to your newfound sensitivity; let the feelings ebb and flow naturally.  Try some cleansing exercises or deep breathing as you allow the chakra to naturally expand, strengthen, and grow.

A new need for solitude and alone time.  During a spiritual awakening, you may feel that being around others is more draining of your emotional and psychic resources.  Even if you're very gregarious and love people, they can be especially draining and taxing as you're more attuned with your own inner changes lately.  Perhaps you just want to stay home more instead of going out and doing the things you used to enjoy.  Or, instead of running with your usual crowd, you are now preferring to keep to yourself.  You may not be depressed or anxious, but you might just need this time alone.  Go with it an enjoy, but do your best to keep connections with others alive -- you don't want them to think you've forgotten about them!

A newfound need for spiritual connection and meaning.  Your spiritual awakening will spark a craving for purpose and a deep desire for understanding of the world around you.  It is also possible that, for the first time ever, you find yourself longing for something you cannot name.  An inner peace or a connection to spiritual ideas in order to make you feel whole.  Listen to your heart, and go where it takes you.  This can be an exciting time in your life to learn and grow!

Moments of newfound clarity.  Perhaps you're going through a significant epiphany in your life now.  After what may be an entire lifetime of living or thinking in a certain way, a shift in perspective (through whatever means) has caused you to see things in a whole new light.  You may feel a stronger attunement with your higher power, or with a force that is greater than yourself.  You may find yourself suddenly more concerned with humanity or healing the world around you.

A sense that you have gone through some changes, or that you are currently experiencing change.  You may not feel the same as you used to feel.  You may not even be able to pinpoint what those differences are between the old and new "you."  However, the differences are there, and you can sense them even if you are unable to put the changes into words just yet.  Remember that that best is yet to be.  Continue to move on this spiritual journey and you will be able to find these answers. 

A heightened sense of creativity.  This one is huge for many people!  It could be that the changes you've been witnessing inside yourself are simply giving you more to think about, and therefore you are feeling more inspired than you ordinarily are.  However, you may also be attracting more creative impulses, or setting off an enhanced ability to draw inspiration from external sources.  As you pick up these new ideas, do your best to keep track of them for future use.  They may be needed not just for new projects that will require future attention, but also as a way to chart and track your own spiritual progress.

A deep need to find your true sense of self and life purpose.  What has worked for you in the past is just fine, but when a spiritual awakening occurs, maybe your old ways of doing things are simply not going to work for you anymore.  You may feel restricted by attachments, people, or lifestyles which do not suit your true purpose.  You may need to let go of toxic relationships or bad situations that do not enable you to live your true will.

Meaning of a Black, White, or Grey Aura

Black and white are not technically part of the color spectrum, but shades of those hues, including metallics and grays, are often prevalent in auras of all types.

People with these colors may be troubled.  Blacks, greys, and whites are often temporary or transitional auric presences that appear during times of great emotion and drama: either for good or for ill.

A silvery-grey color is often associated with a strong mind-body connection.  People who practice yoga, faith healing, or other forms of spiritual-physical improvement programs will often have shades of this color within their auric presence.

Black is a troubling color to see, as it often indicates extreme emotional or spiritual stress.  Those who are experiencing a crisis, abuse, addiction, or depression can reveal black within their auras.  Again, this is a transitional color, and as the spirit heals, so too can the aura.  Try some aura cleansing rituals if you need a positive change.

Heather grey can indicate a prolonged illness or a tendency toward pessimism, despite the experiences of the aura bearer.  It can also indicate a highly sensitive and fragile state of being which may need extra care.

Charcoal grey is seen in the auras of people with more severe depression, mental illness, or even suicidal tendencies.  It can also present in people who are feeling trapped and hopeless in their lives or situations.  These people need tending and nurturing, and more importantly, to find the ability to climb out of such a state before the aura darkens further.

White is a shade that is seen often in people who are seeking spiritual truth.  There can also be a shyness or introspection that sets these people apart from the rest of the crowd.  People with white in their auras may also be protected by a guardian angel, benevolent spirit, or bestowed with good fortune.

People may ask what a black aura means, what a grey aura looks like, or the meaning of a white aura.  The truth is that all of these colors and more can be incorporated in their aura patterns.  You're unique and have many different facets!

Command Respect & Jump-Start Your Self-Esteem!

Here are a few more ways to feel successful and great with people, while making a good impression.  Take these pieces of advice, and watch others' behavior toward you change for the better. :)

The first thing to remember is that no situation is going to be all about you.  There are always other people that are feeling the impact of just about everything.  Choose your battles wisely.  Sometimes, it's perfectly fine to put on your diva shoes and demand some extra attention.  Other times, you'll need to remember to hang back and let others have their own moments.  Pay attention, and try to show empathy toward others.  Let people know that you do care about them, their feelings, and their experiences.  People will appreciate it and remember your kindness.

As tough as it can be, actively seek out the good in others.  This can be especially effective when dealing with people you dislike -- when you have to put up with someone who annoys you, try to think of the qualities that they have which you can appreciate.  You don't have to be best friends with them, but giving them a chance, or at least acknowledging that they aren't 100% awful can go a long way toward a better relationship.

Listen to people when they speak -- really listen!  Ask them questions about what they say.  Say their names, but not too often; people like it when other people call them by name.  Use open body language; much of what we're saying is conveyed nonverbally, so remember that your physical cues are being read, whether consciously or not, by anyone with whom you are interacting.  And don't forget to give people your attention; interrupting verbally is rude, but interrupting them mentally is just as bad.  (And yes, people know when you're not mentally present.)

Fashionfab Seeks Advice

Today, I saw that my Keen blog had received a question asking for my input.  So, here's my take on the situation...

"Fashionfab" wrote:
Hi!
I need some major advice please!!!!!
Okay long story somewhat short lol. I was with a guy for 2 years I loved him, and I thought he loved me… we spoke about marriage but after a year he back away and said he has a strict family and they will pick his wife and he can’t do anything about it (this is actually true it a culture thing from where he is from) BUT he broke up with me via text out of the blue… we met one day and 2 days later he sent a message… of course I was crushed this was my first relationship. Okay so throughout the breakup I made mistakes and texted him, told him why blah blah… but I stopped later.
After about 2 years later he messaged me on e-mail saying the major reason why he broke if off was he knew it wasn’t going anywhere but refuse to tell me.. and two he wanted a girl to have sex with and I wasn’t giving it to him because I am a virgin (oh I am now 23) and he said I was a girl for a man to marry not to mess with. So he found a new girl and brags that she and him ONLY hang in a parked car and why couldn’t I do that. I just LOL at it. So the past 2 months him and I have been talking just as friends. He would always repond to my texts (which before he would ignore or cuss me out etc, and this is 3 year after the break up). I told him it great hearing from you and I hope our path cross… he replied saying God willing our paths do cross I really hope that. So I just replied saying yeah. we would text throughtout the day mostly the morning, talking about all sort of stuff, TV, our lives, just friends talking. So he keep complimenting me and I just say thanns nothing more to make him feel like I want him back (BUT I DO STILL CARE A LOT FOR HIM). He than proceeds to say he is loving the way I live my life and he is envious and jealous. I moved away from the state I used to live in that he is still in and now in law school… and he always says he is jealous of me, which I don’t like.. always saying I am beautiful, that he misses me, wants to see me, calls me a “G” but I just say don’t be your got it good too… anyways he asked to see me, I said may be when I am back. So I later told him may be if we meet in public NOT A CAR, and just get coffee. He agreed and said he would find time. I said sure. He told me last week that may be this week we would me, well, I text him saying hey did you find a day so I knew bc i would be leaving back soon, he didn’t reply.. so I left it. Hours went by nothing. I told my friend, she took his number and called private without me knowing :/ he picked up!! So I later text saying I don’t know what’s going on, but I will respect that bye friend. The next morning he text saying hey, I replied with hi 2 hours later. He wrote how are you feeling, 2o min later I said pretty good. THAN he proceeded to ignore me again so I wrote if you don;t want to talk to me than don’t text or play games. I don’t want to waste time. I am really sad because I care so much for him, and am his friend and had faith he would be a MAN and just not play this game of hot and cold anymore… we are just friends. I am away and busy so I don’t expect much from him but a polite I can’t meet up but have a safe trip back maybe next time or just if he doesnt want to talk to ne stop talking don’t talk to me than, ignore. The week is over and I am going back to my University I didn’t hear from him….

OH, and he kept saying he would come visit me in the state I am in now bc it is a tourist state, and said we would have fun and just hang… he was saying/asking would it be awkward, i said no but if we meet it would take the awkwardness away….

So will he ever text me? Because I secretly do want to hear from him again??? Why does he do this? is he fooling me? Please help, my heart is broken again. I been hurting for almost 4 year becouse of this guy… this is a long long long story that is very condense. He is kind of a jerk, obivosly a player since he left to find a sex buddy. I feel like he doesn’t care, yet I still do. He says I am a great friend and that he has love for me, but why alway do this?

Do you think he will ever call me or text me? I need you help!!!!! please 


My response was:
Fashionfab, I definitely feel that you'll be hearing from him again.  However -- right now, he is just way too immature to give you the kind of treatment that you want.  I know that you care about him, but his games & rejection are intended to make YOU always feel like you have something to prove to him -- yet he's the one who needs to grow up and STEP up!  He has control of this situation & he knows it.  In order to get it back, stop being the one to initiate texts.  If he wants you, make him work for it. :)  And if he wants friendship, that's fine too, but same rules apply because he needs to learn to treat you with respect. 

20 Awesome Tips for Surviving a Bad Breakup

1.  Remove the temptation of easy access.  Delete his or her number from your phone, block 'em on Facebook, get rid of old emails.  Unless you work together or share children, there is really no need to initiate further contact.  (If there was no major betrayal before the breakup, you may wish to maintain the friendship; in this case, just lay low for awhile and get some emotional distance.)
 
2.  Do not keep tabs on your ex.  This means no Facebook stalking (covertly or otherwise), no asking around, no driving past his or her house.  If it's over, it's over.  Let them wonder what you're doing or whom you're with now, but resist the temptation to keep that wound fresh.

3.  Let it out.  Write all your feelings in a notebook, a personal blog or journal, anywhere that you can vent and detox those negative feelings.

4.  Decide that, since you have now detoxed, to turn over a new leaf.  Think of this as a positive opportunity to make a fresh start, and adopt a positive attitude.

5.  Take care of yourself.  Eat healthy, exercise, and generally treat yourself well.  This is especially true if you were with someone who was not terribly concerned with your physical or emotional well-being.  When you take responsibility of your own well-being, you're taking control of your life.

6.  When you're feeling down on yourself, try thinking of all your positive qualities.  Make a list if you have to, in order to refer to it for future falterings.

7.  While you're in the habit of making lists, try making another one of all the reasons you're better off NOT in the relationship that you used to be.  If your former partner was annoying, unsupportive, selfish, or boring... write it down.  Absorb it, realize that the end of the relationship is a positive thing, and move on.

8.  Socialize with friends.  Call people that you haven't spoken to in a long while.  Re-establish touch with long lost friends, and enjoy reconnecting with those who love you.

9.  Pursue new interests, or revive much-beloved older ones.

10.  Take the focus off of yourself.  Realize that other people have issues too; do something wonderful for another person, and enjoy the glow that comes along with it.

11.  Pleasure yourself physically. 'Nuff said.

12.  Make changes to your apprearance.  Yes, it can be a bit of a cliche, but the truth is that seeing a cool new you in the mirror can help to alter your own perception of yourself.  Change your hair, try a new fashion style, get your most trusted cohorts together and devise an interesting new look for yourself.

13.  Change your surroundings.  You may not be in the position to move, but sometimes when you feel down in the dumps, and everything reminds you of your ex, you want to switch things around.  Move the furniture, paint the walls.  Burn some sage and detoxify your space.  If you're not interested in switching around your space, even a good thorough cleaning can make you feel fantastic.

14.  Throw yourself into your work for awhile.  Don't become a workaholic, though!

15.  When you're ready to see new people, try dating.  Keep in mind that "rebounds" usually don't work out, so don't go hunting for a new relationship right away.  Just enjoy socializing, flirting, and meeting new and interesting (or not-so-interesting!) people.

16.  Make new friends.

17.  Find enjoyment in solitary activities like reading, video games, or just walking through your city and seeing the sights.

18.  If your ex dumped you for someone else or was a particularly big jerk, think about the next person they end up with.  Instead of feeling jealous or tearing them down, realize how being with the ex totally sucks.  Feel simultaneously sorry for the "latest victim," and relieved that your ex is no longer your problem.

19.  Truly evolved people never stop growing, changing, and learning.  Try filling your mind with new information and perceptions.  Expanding your mind will expand every part of your life.

20.  Love yourself and love others.

Healing Tips For a Broken Heart

Each and every person in the world is unique.  We all come from different places and have endured different experiences throughout our lives.  However, there is one thing that will always unite people with one another, and that is that we all have feelings and emotions.  At one time or another, we have all experienced loss.  Just about everyone knows what it feels like to suffer from a broken heart.

Love is the most powerful force on Earth.  Sure, you can argue that other feelings are more important, and indeed they all play their own roles in our time here.  However, love is truly the tie than binds us to one another.  When we experience the loss of that love through a breakup, a death, or some other unforseen circumstance, the pain can be so intense that we feel as if we may never recover from that loss.  While it's true that you may never again be the same after this experience, there are ways to heal and to move on with your life.

The first step is to understand that love will often change our perception of the way that things are.  I'm not saying that your relationship has distorted your view on reality, but perhaps the bond that you shared with someone else may not have been as strong as you previously thought.  It may have been other feelings mingled in with that love -- dependency, comfort, sexual passion, a shared commitment towards your family, or any number of other life changes.  Most relationships will end sooner or later; love does not always last.  If you experienced a breakup, then naturally there were problems on your end, on the other end, or both.  Focusing on the reasons that the relationship ended will give you a new sense of perspective and acceptance.  From this, the healing can begin.



Your heart may feel as though the emotional wounds might never heal.  However, you must understand that with time, the hurt and the sorrow that you are experiencing will subside.  As I said before, you will not be the same person.  But you will definitely grow stronger from the experience, and as time goes by, you will begin to heal and feel more like your regular self again.  Give yourself the time to grieve.  If you're sad, acknowledge those feelings -- don't just stuff them inside.  Express them.  Feel them.  Yes, it will be painful.  However, being able to acknowledge the hurt and the despair in the wake of this loss is a vital part of the grieving process. 

The most important part of this process is to always keep in mind that with each passing day, you are healing more and more.  Just like a physical wound, it will hurt just a little less every day.  And, like a bodily ailment, you need to nourish yourself with the things that are needed to help the healing process -- and to avoid things which are bad for you.



The funny thing about a broken heart is that you won't always feel like it's broken. There will be times when you feel sad, no doubt, but there will also be times that you feel guilty, angry or even relieved. But, until you are completely over your former partner, you can be sure that there is some heart break playing a role in your emotions. So, how do you go about mending a broken heart?

To be blunt, you need to confront the problem. While you may be able to take temporary comfort in denial, it will only delay things from getting better. You have to be completely honest with yourself and how you feel.

Being honest is the only way you will be able to work things out. It won't be easy, but you need to figure out why you feel so heartbroken. Do you feel betrayed by your ex? Do you feel you betrayed them? Was there a death? Were they unfaithful? Do you feel guilty? Do you think you could have done more? Do you think you did all you could, and just can't understand why you broke up anyway? Whatever it is, identifying the real problem is the key to solving it.

Once you have figured out what the root of your broken heart is, you can fix it. For example, if you're feeling guilty, then you need to forgive yourself. But if it was something your partner did, then you need to forgive them. You have to be willing to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

You also need to be realistic about mending a broken heart. Because it isn't always easy, you may not be able to do it on your own. If you find you're just not getting any better, then it may be time to seek help from a counselor...again, whatever it takes. Give it time and face it head on, and you will be feeling better before you know it.

The Real Story Behind Lifetime's Movie, 'Obsessed'

Jenna Elfman plays Ellena Roberts in Obsessed.

Maybe a New Age blogger shouldn't necessarily post reviews or recommendations of movies, but I love what people call "bad" Lifetime movies!  Because so much of the counselling I do involves relationships, I find that something, no matter how small, can be learned from even the silliest plot.

Obsessed is one of my favorite Lifetime movies.  It was released in 2002 and stars Jenna Elfman as the sexy and lovely (but totally bonkers) Ellena Roberts, who stalks her victim-slash-love interest, Dr. David Stillman, a famous surgeon with a happy marriage and family.  Her obsession for this man eventually crosses the line from fantasy into a warped reality when Ellena's harrassment of Dr. Stillman becomes out of control.  Eventually, the harrassment evolves into criminal activity.  Ellena suffers from a form of mental illness called erotomania, wherein the patient truly believes that he or she is romantically involved with someone when in actuality, they are not involved.

Ellena has many tricks to stalk her doctor, including guile and manipulation, impersonation of friends and relatives, even getting jobs which grant her access to private information about Dr. Stillman and his family.  Her insanity is surpassed only by her intelligence and craftiness: during her harassment trial, a court-appointed analyst (played by Vlasta Vrana) pointed psychiatrist declared her to have "seven of the ten traits of an assassin."  This movie has lots of fascinating twists and turns of the plot, making it a riveting story.  It's a guilty pleasure, but it's too good to miss!

Fun fact:  This movie was based on a true story.  Diane Schaefer is the actual person on whom the character of Ellena Roberts was based.  Diane Schaefer stalked Dr. Murray Brennan, an oncologist from Sloan-Kettering Hospital in NYC for years before her conviction in 1990.  She was sentenced to 2 years in prison.  The lawyer who defended Schaefer, Joyce David, has put the movie-inspiring article on her website.

There is also a French movie called "À la Folie... Pas du Tout" (He Loves Me... He Loves Me Not) which features a similar plot.  I'm not sure if this is a remake or just coincidence.

You can also find out when Obsessed is playing on TV by going to its website on Lifetime.

So, who loves this movie?  Lifetime movies based on true stories are the best, and Obsessed is one of my personal faves!  Leave some comments below! :)

The Beauty & Mystery of Agate

 Agate is a lovely type of crystal with a smooth sheen; it is part of the quartz family.  It occurs naturally in North America, as well as Australia, Morocco, and some South American countries.  Many different types of agate exist, and quite a few of them feature multiple layers of color.  Agate is often a bit opaque and can be found in a stunning array of shades -- red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, brown, pink, white, grey, and more.

As with many types of crystal, agate has its own special healing properties to improve the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being of its users.  It is often used for relaxation and balance, to ground and provide tranquility to its owner.  Agate is also useful for improvement of logic skills, eyesight, to bring hidden abilities to the forefront, and promote agility.  It can also be used for pain relief, and can promote healing of the lymphatic, circulatory, and respiratory systems.  Agate can also promote good digestion and a healthy appetite.

Each color of agate has its own specific healing abilities as well:

Fire agate is a gorgeous multicolored stone that often features reds, yellows, and browns prominently.  It can enhance the user's natural sense of courage and alleviate fear and anxiety.  This type of agate is also helpful to enhance psychic abilities, blood circulation, and the nervous system.  It can also aid in digestive issues.

Rose agate is an excellent choice for soothing wounded emotions.  It can promote forgiveness and healing of a wounded soul.  It is said to enhance the owner's capacity for love and caring.

Botswana agate is an amazing type of agate streaked with white and many shades of grey, sometimes brown and pale blues as well.  It is said to promote physical virility as well as fertility and passion, inspiration to artists, emotional peace and protection.

Moss agate is named for its mossy green and white speckled appearance.  It evokes associations with nature and freedom.  Moss agate is thought to help with health issues such as skin problems, inflammation, and infections.  It can also help the owner feel less emotionally trapped and promote a sense of freedom.

Lace agate has a delicate blue color range.  We often associate it with positive thinking, happiness, and relaxation.  It can be used to help calm stressful situations where emotions run high, or to cleanse the user of negativity and promote optimistic feelings.  Physically, it is said to be good for joint health and flexibility, thyroid issues, fever, inflammation, and trouble with the neck and shoulders.

Violet agate is another excellent choice for fertility help.  It is thought to be especially useful to women who are pregnant or trying to become pregnant; violet agate can also be used to lessen the pain and problems of childbirth.  Additionally, it can be good for helping promote feelings of empathy and understanding between people.  

Brown agate comes in all types of rusty red and brown shades; everything from coffee to caramel!  It's an excellent choice to promote digestive health.  It can also be used to enhance the workings of the liver and pancreas.  Brown agate can also work to help pets and other animals, as well as to ground and stabilize the user.

White agate is an excellent all-purpose type of stone,  but most specifically it can be helpful in assisting the body in expelling toxins and promote regenerative healing.  Spiritually it does much the same thing, helping to clear the mind and soul of negativity and to enhance one's ability to not only think with clarity, but also to learn and develop further abilities faster and with greater ease.

Are You Dealing With a Sociopath?

Approximately 1% to 4% of the population is afflicted with sociopathic tendencies.  These traits are often inherited, though can be treatable if detected early enough.  However, once a sociopath reaches adulthood, rehabilitation is difficult if not impossible.

Many people interchange terms like sociopath and psychopath.  There is a difference.  While sociopaths have predatory natures, and are often manipulative without guilt or remorse, this doesn't necessarily mean that they are all violent people.  Some may have violent tendencies, but only a very small percentage of violent sociopaths are serial killers.  It is more likely that the sociopath you'll deal with will be a con artist, liar, or master manipulator.  Sociopaths come in all walks of life, social classes, genders, and ages.  They blend into society with little or no effort, and are difficult to spot immediately.


Here are the traits of a sociopath as defined by Dr. Robert Hare, a well-known expert in criminal psychology.


Dr. Hare's Checklist (Sociopathic Traits)

1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and un empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

Regina Brett's 45 Life Lessons

Regina Brett wrote this column several years ago. Many sources attribute this to a 90-year-old woman, but Regina was actually about 50 when she dispensed these pearls of wisdom. Enjoy!






~~~

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Taking Back Control of Your Life

Last year, because of the questions I commonly get asked by clients, I decided to make an instructional video on how to live a happier life. Even so, a lot of the traffic that I get seems to point to the notion that some folks are so discouraged with their situations that they have no idea where to even start!

It can be a difficult thing when your life is so overwhelming. You look at each part, seeing one mess after the next; figuring out which place to roll in your sleeves and get working. If you tweak one part, the rest may just fall to pieces. Fear and negativity keep us stuck in the comfortable, yet unhealthy, present, and both emotions make us reluctant to move forward into the unknown. If you feel that you're experiencing a spiritual crisis, you need to stop worrying and figure out how to regain control of your life. It can be difficult -- let's face it, it'll very likely be hard as hell in the beginning -- but stick with your goals. The end result will be worth all of the pain of growing.

Try following these 9 pieces of advice for just a week. They certainly cannot hurt you, and will very likely help. 

1. Take care of yourself physically. This doesn't mean that you need to spend every second at the gym and only eat carrots and celery for the rest of your days. But it does mean that you have to start treating yourself the way you try caring for everyone else in your life -- your spouse, kids, parents, or even your family pet! Would you deprive them of adequate sleep? How about healthy food and lots of water to keep them hydrated and nourished? These little things can be hard to remember to do when it's you, but you simply cannot take control of your life without catering to your basic needs. Appropriate rest, food, and exercise will put you in a far better frame of mind. This is especially true if you have health problems; working on improving your overall health may not cure the worst of what ails you, but it will maintain (and probably improve) your functioning parts.

2. Practice daily gratitude. This is the most vital thing that you can do for yourself on an emotional level. If you're constantly criticizing and finding fault with your surroundings, then you will get just what you ask for. However, if you open yourself up to gratitude and appreciation of what you do have, then more will flow your way. Each day, make it a point to think of what the universe has blessed you with, and enjoy it. There are people who have a lot less than you do.

3. Don't make assumptions about people. It's common for our fears to color the way we see ourselves, and other people. You may be afraid of not being liked or accepted by others, worry about being gossiped about, or feel concerned that something you've done has upset or offended someone. If these things are bothering you, it's better to get proof. Better yet, you can open your mouth and ask people if something is wrong. Your worrying is most likely for nothing. Wouldn't it be nice to relieve yourself of that kind of burden?

4. Stop black-and-white thinking. Most of the people and things in your life aren't all just "good" or "bad." Making generalizations about your environment and the people within it is a sure-fire way to keep your world very limited, and your mind small. But when you open your mind and realize that a million shades of gray exist between the good and the bad, you're opening yourself up to a new world. Rather than allow preconceived notions to control you, you are taking control of your own thoughts and putting yourself in the driver's seat.

5. Eliminate negative self-talk. We all have that nasty little voice inside our heads that can't seem to shut up when we're at our most vulnerable. This voice is nothing more than a fear-based illusion, trying to hold us back. While some fear or apprehension is a healthy thing, negative statements that we make to ourself can hurt our feelings just as bad as, if not worse than, if someone else were to say the same things to us. (And in fact, some negative self-talk is based on things that we have been criticized for in the past!) But if you're patient with yourself, and keep pushing forward despite that snarky inner dialogue, eventually that voice will fade. Until the time when your positive voice is the stronger of the twi, try not to pay attention to the negative stuff. It will get quieter and quieter with each small success you achieve, and the positive self-talk will grow. 

6. It's not always about you. Like negative self-talk, negative reactions can hinder your ability to see things clearly. This is less about a voice in your head, and more of a knee-jerk reaction in a stressful situation. For example, if your boss or teacher wants to speak with you privately, you may assume that you're in trouble about something. Or perhaps people around you are laughing, so you worry that you're the subject of some joke. Occasionally your mind may go there, even if there isn't any evidence to support a negative theory. Try to put the situation into perspective and realize that there are many possibilities that you haven't even considered. Take the focus off of yourself, and realize that everyone has their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Yours may not even enter into the equation.

7. Enjoy physical contact as often as possible. Now, get your mind out of the gutter; I didn't say you have to jump on top of everyone you meet! But don't underestimate the healing power of big ole hug! Participating in physical contact with other people -- friends, family, and pets -- will soothe and heal you in a way that words never can. If hugging is awkward for you, start slowly by shaking hands, patting people on the back, and giving high-fives. There are many, many studies which have been done on the benefits of physical contact, so make it a point to enjoy those benefits as much as you can.

8. Be a social butterfly. Solitude can be a wonderful thing. But too much alone time can put you at risk for loneliness or awkwardness when it does come time to interact with others. The more people you can surround yourself with, the happier you will be. That doesn't mean you need to go out clubbing every night of the week. But, expanding your social circle by a couple of people -- and going out of your way to keep those contacts participating in your life -- is a reward in and of itself. Being around healthy, positive people will make your own life feel much more positive too.

9. Help others, volunteer, and give of yourself. This has so many benefits that I'm only going to list a few. First and foremost is the obvious benefit to the one who's receiving the help. Additionally, you'll feel good for doing something wonderful and helping someone else. The psychological and spiritual benefits are great as well, because you're practicing #6 at the same time, and taking the focus off your own problems to address something else entirely. Helping others can open up your world in ways that you've never thought possible, and expose you to people and experiences that will enrich your life.

These are only a few tips that can help you feel stronger and more empowered in your life. Remember that happiness is not always going to just fall into your lap. Relationships are always going to require work, especially the relationship that you have with yourself. Make the effort to make lasting positive changes, and you will enjoy a newer, richer life experience.

Photo Credit: Thanks to snapchris.com (aka tibchris on Flickr) for making this picture available under a Creative Commons License. The model is the lovely and and inspiring Nikita Patel. Thanks to both of you for sharing!

The Ten Traits of an Assassin

Jenna Elfman plays Ellena Roberts in
the 2002 Lifetime movie, Obsessed.

In one of my favorite Lifetime movies, Obsessed, from 2002, Jenna Elfman plays a character by the name of Ellena Roberts who is infatuated with a well-known surgeon.  When her infatuation crosses the line from fantasy into reality -- in the form of Ellena harrassing Dr. David Stillman and his family -- her behavior becomes criminal.  One of the reasons that I love this movie so much is because so much of the plot is ambiguous, leaving the viewer to wonder just what the initial nature of their relationship was, and exactly what the hell was going on in Ellena's head?  The way that Ellena views the world is also very different than reality: colors are a bit more vivid while the "focus" is more fluid and romantic, as opposed to the hard matter-of-fact point of view as voiced by her victim, Dr. Stillman.  While a lot of the dialogue may be overdramatic and lacking credibility (such as Vlasta Vrana's psychiatrist character declaring that Ellena Roberts has "seven of the ten traits of an assassin"), the story's interesting twists and various plot devices makes this movie a guilty pleasure that you can really sink your teeth into. 

Like many people, I couldn't help but search the internet to find out the real traits of an assassin.  Unfortunately, it would seem that the writers of this classic have invented such criteria.  What might they look like?  Here's my list:

1.  Lack of conscience.  This has got to be the number-one requirement in traits of an assassin.  If the subject feels the least amount of remorse, it will be difficult to carry out destructive tasks.  Regret should rarely occur, and when it does, can be easily replaced with delusions and rationalizations.

2.  Cunning.  An assassin must be able to "think outside the box" and determine as many methods as possible toward achieving the final outcome.  Unconventional or unusual ways of looking at the world -- or clever ways of acquiring and applying knowledge -- is an advantage to the assassin.

3.  Versatility.  The ability to use many tools in order to get the job done is vital, so the subject should be able to learn quickly and adapt to new surroundings.  Assassins will also treat other people as useful tools in order to complete their work.

4.  Charm and glibness.  Because assassins often need to infiltrate their prey's surroundings in order to get the job done, the assassin must have extra-special powers of persuasion.  Knowing how to manipulate other people will go a long way toward completing their malicious goals.

5.  Pathological tendencies.  It's a lot easier to be a mercenary of any sort if you're more able to justify your nefarious actions.  Assassins never feel remorse, and in fact, may have an "avenging angel" complex.

6.  Risk taking.  Someone with assassin tendencies will naturally be duplicitous and have no problems with treacherous or tricky scenarios.  He or she can easily adapt to treacherous conditions, and may even enjoy the thrill of dangerous situations.

7.  Restlessness.  An assassin doesn't like to sit still for long.  Someone who is truly cold-blooded or devious very likely craves drama and excitement.  Any adrenaline junkie will tell you that once you've experienced a rush like this, it's hard to stop looking for thrills.

8.  Untrustworthy.  An assassin will do or say anything to gain access to their prey's demise.  Lies come easily.  Cheating, stealing, and lying -- all destructive acts -- come easy to the assassin, especially if there is something to be gained from them.

9.  Chaotic life.  Problems may abound for an assassin, who has difficulty understanding and respecting the boundaries of others.  This type of poor judgement often manifests in chaos and drama of his or her own making.

10.  Nothing to lose.  While this trait may appear to contradict the previous one, you must get inside the mind of an assassin to truly understand. A person like this may have fragile (if any) real connections to anyone or anything, and can easily abandon those connections if it's advantageous of him or her to do so.

Because Ellena didn't actually perform any violent acts in the movie, it would seem that her crimes (at least the ones that she committed) were more of the emotional variety.  I would classify her as more of an emotional vampire than an assassin.  However, many of the traits above do seem to describe her character.

This movie was based on a true story, about a woman named Diane Schaefer who stalked an oncologist in New York for many years.  She was eventually sentenced to 2 years in prison during the 1990s.

Photo Credit:  Thanks to Greg Hernandez who made this photo available under a Creative Commons license.  (It has been altered, the original can be found here.)  I appreciate it, and I'm sure so do those who have come here searching for the 10 traits of an assassin! :)